My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dot, I am so pleased to hear that Alan is looking and feeling better. Now as for you..... get yourself into the middle of the huddle and let us take care of you until you are feeling a little more rested. Remember that saying.. 'Who cares for the carers'? Well you have to listen to that and take care of yourself as much as you can. (easier said than done is the usual cry).  So come on, into the middle for warm hugs and lots of love.  You give so much to others so now it is definitely time for you to be cossetted.

Rosemary, not long now until your lovely Sam's wedding. I am sure you will enjoy it once things get under way. I know only too well how difficult things can be at these big family occassions.

Love and angel hugs x x x  Patricia x x x

Patricia, I do hope you are taking care of yourself as well, I know it is easy to say to others and hard to do for ourselves.  As some of you have said, I also found that life is grey now, no colour, no real joy but moments that I do feel up and those moments are getting longer.

I have my furnace fixed, just in time for the biggest one day snowfall we have had in 4 years.  It has been messy driving the last couple of days but the sun is shining now, just pretty cold out so of course, I have not walked the dog in a few days.  I will start back tomorrow. 
My new floor is down, light oak and looks just beautiful.  My neighbour across the road came over and offered to paint the room for me today for a very good price.  I hadn't thought about repainting but it will look so much better so will now have a very nice new spare bedroom.  Hope to get some of the furniture back in tomorrow and try to get some of the house sorted out. 

Hope you all have a good weekend, at least I am not dreading them as much as I did last year.

Hi Bren. I am very impressed that you are getting yourself so organised. I bet it looks lovely and yu will feel good knowing that you have achieved one of your goals. Well done. I am still in disarray. I somehow cannot motivate myself long enough to organise things the way I would like.... Maybe one day soon ( I hope).

It is my mum's anniversary on Monday (4 years) time flies when you are...... )

I can't believe that this time last year I was preparing for my son's wedding. It is their first anniversary to morrow.  They are now parents. My daughter has qualified in her chosen profession. My other son's girlfriend has a badly broken leg. So much has happened in 12 short months. I am rambling now so will head off and maybe come back later.

Love and angel hugs to all who post here. x x x Patricia x x x

Morning all .

Sorry i've not posted but i do read almost everyday and i try and keep up with whats happening . I think about how my life has changed over the last few months and how if i couldn't post on mac everyday i would be shaking and need to post . I still need to read and wish i could offer more support but i do send you all hugs and love .

 We're having a pretty rough time with dad at the moment (again) The operation he had to replace cancerous bone in his jaw with bone form his leg has caused him nothing but trouble . After so many operations since , the  infections he gets constantly , he has now started complaining of something "sticking out of his face" and yes after my sister looked (i cant) she actually found that the bone they outin his mouth is now potuding from the scar that they caused . Sounds horrific , yes it is . The hospital wont see him till wednesday . The one consolation is that he isn,t in pain with it anymore . It caused more pain a couple of weeks ago when it forst started moving and caused a massive absess . The Gp just gave him more anti biotics thinking it was just another infection .  So all in all we all pretty fed up that in the last 3 uears since we lost mum all dad had had is crap , how he keeps going i'll never know but as we all know life is life and he's still here .

Patricia 4 years ?? Hugs for you my friend xx

Ailsa , i hope yopu manage to arrange the meet in Manchester (i'm sure you will ) but as i've said , sorry i cant be there but its the day of dancing on ice that me and my sister have booked to go and see . xx

Gayle , i hope your feeling better after your op now and your not working to hard xx

Dottee hope things are a little more settled now with Alan , i know how stressfull it can all be and we're always here to listen xx. Rosemary not long for the wedding now , i just hope we get to see some videos from your speech and remember the penguin possee will be with you in spirit xx 

Sorry i've not mentioned everyone , my brain is going to mush now (nothing new) . I'm still not well and had to phone in sick on friday , 1 st time since i went back after losing Gordon and to top it all my step daughters are down  visiting , their staying with my daughter as i couldn't face it here (after everything that has happened with them ) but i am supposed to be meeting them all for lunch today , not sure what reception i'll get as my kids was going to try and bring up the fact i'm seeing K now .

 Oh well i;m swimming xxxx

Take care all

Lynne xxx

Morning everyone xx

Like Lynne I do still pop in every day although I dont always post. Always thinking of you all xxx

Lynne, your poor dad. Hope Wednesday comes quickly and he gets some answers. Poor all of you too with the worry and waiting. Hope you feel better soon and lunch goes ok today. Not long until Take That!!!!!!

Dottee hope Alan starts his treatment again soon. Look after you too. I know how hard it is but we just keep going and forget about `us` xxx

Beccy I know how you feel when you say `whats the point` I think we ve all been through that stage but your family love you and you ll never be a burden to them. A point does become obvious again eventually. How s the gym going? I found that used to give me a boost when I felt low. Big hugs to you.

Pam are you ok? Are you away again. Sorry cant remember xxx

Ailsa hope we re still doing Manchester  meet, even a small one for a few hours will be great!!!

Gayle hope you re feeling better and enjoying your weekend.

I ve not had a great week, wasnt sure why but looking back I think I ve worked it out. It started with Jade Goody s anniversary, brought a lot of memories of Pauls `terminal` diagnosis around the same time and him getting poorlier and poorlier. Also cant believe I m approaching 2 years. This 2 nd year has found me happy in a new job, met a lovely man so lots to be grateful for but think I have hit a realisation that I am moving on more than I realised and I ve really struggled with it this week. Tears been flowing!! Also spoke to Pauls dad again about G as feel (I did mention to him last summer I was seeing someon but it has never been mentioned again I ve been feeling like I m doing something behing their backs) he was ok about it and said they appreciate me telling them, but that really put me on a downer too. But I ve done what I promised Paul, getting on with my life. being happy (well most of the time lol!!) and I ve met someone.

Big hugs to you all. Just keep swimming!!!!!

Helen xxxx

Sorry memory like a sieve!!!

Rosemary hope all the plans for the wedding fall into place perfectly!! Sure they will. I remember when I got married my mum walked down the aisle with my sis in law as my brother gave me away. It was a lovely day and my brother did a fab job!!!

Big hugs to you xxx

Morning all ,

just a quick update , the hospital have agreed to see dad this morning as even more bone is sticking out of his face , its like his whole jaw is crummbling , he's in quite good spirits really , i think its me and my sisters that are taking the worry on as usual .

 The lunch went ok with the step daughter , one of them had left early (she had a date!! ) the other was fine and i gave her some personal stuff she had bought her dad for fathers day , she was over the moon . We had quite a laugh really , doing lots of remenicing , but her dad always made me laugh any way and continues to do so . Nothing was said about K so i think i'll leave it like that for a while .

 Helen , so sorry you had such a bad week and i really hope this one is better for you . I know what you mean about when Jade died , i sobbed and sobbed that day and i to didn't reealise 12 weeks later i would be sobbing again . Yes not long for Take that now . must book my train tickets ..

 Hug for Patricia today on her mums 4 th anniversary ((hug))

Fiona , how is your dad s doing now ? is he out of hospital ..

 Judi where are you ????????? Misss you xx

 Hugs and love for all and hope you all have a peacfull  week xxx

Take care Lynne xxx

Hi all

Its been a whole week since i last posted and I would love to say its because everything is going well. I have been going along ok for a while, mentally protected for the return to work, focusing on trying to train for this run that is seeming more and more impossible for me........ and then i just seem to have waded into a vat of glue, thick and overwelming. just thought i was having the 'usual' ups and downs earlier in the week, but by friday evening i was going under. I should have been going out with work collegues for a meal as one of the other registras has moved on and got a consultants job. But although I managed to put myself in the shower and wash my hair in preparation to go out, the thought of happy small talk or worse being the one in the corner unable to join the small talk, ment i just could nor motivate to leave the house. That of course makes you feel guilty for not going.

My brain has been to some very dark places this weekend and I have had some thoughts I though I was not going to have again. I am pleased to say I seem to be lifting a little yesterday and today but i still seem to be a bit stuck.

I ahve learned that I should be careful what I put on facebook, after what I wrote on friday night I found my sister knocking on my door on saturday lunchtime, thats a 110mile drive. I was feeling bad enough about my impact on the family without now feeling a ruined her weekend. But it was good to see her and my brother-in-law, it was a distraction for a while.

I dragged myself out of bed, eventually, this morning and I am at work, so thats a start i guess. It is just so relentless this grief isn't it, you push on hoping to see the end of the tunnel and realise that it just keeps going. Too many metaphors today, but it seems the only way to explain how it feels. But of course you guys know.

I am going to shut up now, there are so many good things happening for some of you that i don't want to bring you all down.

Becky , don't be afraid of bringing anyone down , we all have ups and downs and thats what the forum is for . I'm so glad your sister came to see you , my heart went out to you on friday night as we all have been there , my thoughts lasted a nano second as i know how hard Gordon  fought to live and he would be so cross with me if i gave my life up , mentally or physically and that was a turning point for me ,i was determined to make him proud (not sure if thats always the case ) but i try to live my life as he would have wanted to live his . You've come so far Becky and once you've slipped back that far you wont do it again (hopefully ) It is a rocky road but it does get smoother with time .

 Take care

 Lynne xx 

Oh Becky, I am so sorry you are having such a tough time but PLEASE don't ever be afraid to say how you are feeling on here. This is a 'safe' place wherew you can be open and hosmest without fear of up-setting your nearest and dearest. We may get upset for you, but we are here to offer love and support. I feel that I want to 'mother' you as you are so close to my own children in age.(so please forgive me if I do just that).

Lynne, I do so hope that something positive can be done to i,prove your poor dad's quality of life. My hearet aches for him. Thanks for your kind words.

Fiona, how is your dad doing? I hope he is beginning to improve. Keep cuddling young Charlie and he will get you smiling.

Bren, have you got your new bedroom finished yet? I have not got enough motivation to finish anything. Shameful I know. I have however started completing some of the smaller projects I commenced over the past couple of years so at least I am doing something (hopefully that will progress to the larger projects in the not too distant future)

Gayle, are you feeling any better after your recent hospital admission? I do hope that it has improved your life somewhat.

Lynda, fingers crossed for the birth of the new arrival. (Not long now). Hope all goes well.

Well I am hoping that all penguins (whether I have mentioned you or not) are managing to have a reasonable day. I am just a little weepy today as I am missing my mum terribly. I can't believe the torrent of emotion this morning. I guess I am just so sad that she has missed so many happy events over ther past 12 months (or has she??). Also missing Ray like crazy. (Seeing Kanon, which I am always pleased about, just makes me miss him more than ever).

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x