My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all

Bren i am glad that you enjoyed your time away but I hope your heating gets fixed soon.

Leslie I am realy happy for you and I am glad you posted on here, it is nice to hear some positive news. I am glad things are working for you and your man.

Ailsa i hope your weekend  was ok, it will be nice for you if your daughter and son-in-law come to stay for a while especially now with you needing some direction. a bit of human company helps the days past much better.

Gayle i hope you are healing well, are you back at work tomorrow? You are so well organised, my check is winging its way to you, hampered slightly by me not being able to find an envelope in the house so having to buy some (i am sure I have hundreds somewhere). Should get to you probably tuesday, i missed the post on sat.

Patricia I hope you are well and i am glad your extended family has avoided the disaster in Japan.

Pam are you back in the UK yet? or is there another week sunning yourself?

I went to occupational Health on friday, I told them about how I was getting on back at work. We agreed a plan for trying to gradually increase my ward contact with patients and then to aim to be back on full duties. I don't mind the fact that she was suggesting I don't restart on the on call rota till after I next see her but as that will be in nearly another 2 months I think the boss won't be pleased. I admit it seems a little caucious to me too. The boss won't say anything, but you know when they are stretched and you feel guilty about not helping. But as several people have told me they will cope and I should just look after me for now, when I am stronger I can worry about work coping.

Its been a weekend with no plans again, so have bussied myself with far too much TV, wwashing and ironing clothes, food shopping and running and going to the gym. Still haven't got the hoover out though, must do that tomorrow. And the garden needs attension or all the hard work Mark put in this time last year will be lost to weeds.

To those I have missed, sorry, but big hugs all round ( oh how I miss the hugs)

Becky

Becky, not that it is any of my business, but I think occ health are right to fend off the oncall duties for you. So what if the boss is not happy. You have a responsible and stressful job and need to be FULLY able before doing the oncall's too. Look after yourself, because trust me, the job won't look after you. I still find times when I struggle and my job is nowhere near as important as yours.

Brenda, so glad that your trip was beneficial. I hope you manage to enjoy a few good walks with the dog now you are both home.

Ailsa, how was your weekend??

Gayle, keep on smiling and remember what a great job you are doing and how proud you are making Wully x x x

Dot, sending you some supportive hugs as I know you are having a difficult time right now.

Love and angel hugs to everyone x x x Patricia x x x

Gosh, it is very quiet on here. I hope that means that most of you are having slightly better days.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Well Hi all you lovely penguins,

Am now back from my holiday.  Place was  great, weather fantastic, so why did I feel so flat.  Watched all the couples enjoying themselves and wished I was part of a couple again.  Don't get me wrong, I think the holiday was good for me, but where was the excitement, the joy of the trip.  Where was the colour.

I also got back to some bad news.  A good friend of mine who was diagnosed with cancer and had operation about 6 months before Martin was diagnosed had passed away.  She fought so well.  Thought they had got all the cancer, but such is the nature of the beast that it came back again. 

I am beginning to feel that all the structure of my life is slipping away.  I have lost purpose and just can't get my head round anything.  Talk about Mr Fuzzy Wuzzy!!

Am going down to Essex at the weekend to visit some old friends.  It will be the first time I have been down there on my own and the first time I have driven there.  I know the route so well, but am not looking forward to the first drive on my own.  I do have trouble listening to music since I lost Martin, so I have invested in some talking books and they are a godsend.  Does help with the loneliness.

This bereavement thing is the pits isn't it.  It is so hard trying to make this new life fit.  I have decided to keep busy and not let myself think too hard.  Thinking is not good, it brings so much heartache with it.

Sorry for the negative post, but know you are there for me.  I am determined to keep swimming, after all what is the alternative.....................

((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) to you all

Pammie xx

Hello all - I'm typing this really fast as my internet connection is not good at all at the moment and I must phone BT again, I managed to get on yesterday and withing 10 minutes it was down again!  Anyway hope you are all doing well, the sunshine helps a bit doesn't it. Pam glad the holiday was good, although I know what you mean about the "flat" feeling and everything has lost it's colour, I don't think we get even sepia anymore just black and white a lot of the time - I feel a bit lost with all the wedding plans as in some ways I'm actually dreading the day, not just because I wish Steve could be there but I just feel so alone in all of it - Daniel will be with Georgina, Sam will be with Wayne (of course) and as Dan is giving Sam away that means I will be walking in on my own and of course leaving on my own at the end of the night.  I wouldn't let on to Sam at all as she is so excited and she deserves the very best day we can make, but most nights I just long to be wrapped up in a special hug that says "it's alright I'm here". 

The other thing we are coping with is mother-in-law not being well (she has a bladder infection) which means not only was she possibly too weak anyway but now they won't consider her operation at all and so the cancer will do it's worst and she will be joining her man quite soon - which actually I don't think she is too worried about, it's just Heather and I know what we have to go through to get her there.  I just hope for now that she gets well enough to come to the wedding and enjoy the day. 

Right I will post this and hope it holds long enough to get through, if I can I will be back later to reply properly, meantime lots of love and hugs to you all, take care penguins xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Rosemary - I know I'm not the one you want to hug you but will this comforting (((((((((((((hug))))))))))))) from me be OK instead??

Love and more comforting ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) for everyone

Dot xxxxxxxxxx

Rosemary,

I know what you mean about life losing its colour.  Even today, on a glorious spring day, my spirits fail to lift. Most of the work funalising Gary's estate is done now, so I have even more time to fill, and not much will to do anything.

Just a thought, is there a male relative or friend who could escort you to your , place in for the wedding ceremony.  At our daughter's wedding her favorite uncle walked me to my place as of course Gary came with the bride.  Do you have a lovely new outfit for the occaission?

Take care, hugs coming your way

Daffie  xxx

Hi everyone.  Daffie I am glad to hear you have managed to finish most of the work on Gary's estate.  You and Rosemary just had me thinking about who I would walk in with if one of my daughters decides to marry.  Most of the men in my family are one half of a couple but then I suppose their partners would be walked to their seat ahead of the ceremony so with your suggestion no-one has to walk in alone.  My dad is my obvious choice but I have a godfather as well and brothers & brothers-in-law.  It would be nice if you could think of someone to fit the bill Rosemary.  I was sorry to read that your MIL has an infection Rosemary.  It is awful that it will affect her treatment.  I hope she is soon feeling a good bit better.

Pam I am glad you thought your holiday was a good thing.  You were very brave & I hope you enjoyed a rest.  Good luck with the drive to Essex at the weekend.  I'm so sorry to read about your friend losing her fight with cancer.  Take care and keep your chin up as even down you seem to have the right attitude - that we have this to do so we must.

Bren I saw on FB that you have heating again!  I am glad you enjoyed your trip to Montreal and that you are back inspired to get out for more dog walking.  The weather here has been nice recently so I feel more like getting a bit more fit now - I am doing 2 RFLs this year so I need to get on the my wii fit I think.

Becky it sounds like the right thing coming from the occupational health bod.  Another couple of months before you go back to oncall work can't be a bad thing - your boss will cope.

I have the kids all coming round for food on Sunday this weekend.  We are celebrating my son's girlfriends 30th birthday.  I have asked them round for chilli and I will do her a birthday cake.  I am hoping to get the guys to lift my heavy garden furniture back out onto my deck so there is method in my madness.

Well I am having a catchup with a friend tonight - meeting her at 7 so I had better go and get ready.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Patricia I hope you are okay as well - sending you a big (((hug))) xxx

Morning girls

It's lovely to hear good news and Lesley I'm so pleased that you and Mick are happy together.......Good luck and much more happiness to you both xx

But I hear that some of my penguin friends are struggling and am sending you all comforting ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and hope for a more peaceful time to come....... Take your time and don't try to run before you've learned how to walk on this bumpy road.....and yes I do know how difficult it is to follow that bit of advice!!!!

I'm not sure how many of you read my 'action man' thread - but Alan is in hospital - and has been since last Saturday!!!  He developed a high temp and came out in spots......The docs said first of all it was a tummy bug......then a chest infection......  His temp peaked on Monday night - and now he looks as if there's never been anything wrong with him - apart from the spots!!!!!  The docs appear to be mystified by the whole thing and have taken several armfuls of blood samples, a skin biopsy,and other samples too (won't go into details of those!!) - the only thing they haven't done is taken photos of his spotty tummy!!!!  So now my poor hubby is coming home today to rest and recuperate!!!!  And although they stopped his chemo (just in case) the docs have now decided that this is not the cause and he will be continuing his treatment....... So my news is a mixture of bad and good this week..........I'm worn out with it all and hope to put my feet up for a while this weekend...... I only just managed to stay afloat - as I felt as if I was swimming against the tide...........

But I do feel stronger now and able to offer love and more comforting (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to all of you

Dot xxxxxxxxx