My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all the lovely messages and texts.  It really got me through the day and I definitely wasn't as worried as I would have been.  Everything went fine and I got home on Monday night (although pretty out of it on morphine).  They removed a couple of polyps and I go back in 4 weeks to see the consultant.  I've been doing okay, just pretty sore and swollen so can't do up my trousers lol.  The boys came back on Wednesday but they have been great and have been helping me out as they understand that I can't bend over or do much at the moment.  Hopefully in a couple of days I will be less sore.  No pub again this weekend!!  Cabin fever is starting to set in though but I will just have to be patient.  I enjoyed the first couple of days lying about doing nothing but soon got bored of that so managed to get my website finished for my business and an ad in the local paper.  However I got my first client last week and it is quite a big one.  A local mechanic has just opened a garage so I was all excited about that.  Thanks for the comments about the photos on FB.  The boys looked great in them.  I got an offer through Groupon for a photo canvas so decided to take some new pics and get one for my mum for her birthday in a few weeks time so looking forward to seeing how it comes out.

Ailsa, hope your day off managed to pass okay.  I understand that frustration about these psychic nights.  I have been to a couple of poor ones too.  I am organising one for the playgroup at the start of May but I know these psychics and they are generally very good so fingers crossed it goes okay and makes us lots of money.

Dot, glad to hear Alan's chemo is going okay so far and I hope you get lots of good results.

Big hugs to everyone else

Gayle x x x

Hi all

Gayle I am so glad your op went ok, I hope the swelling goes down soon and you are less sore.

Patricia dont know about you but i hate night shifts there is no worse time of night then the wee small hours, so i am impressed you were awake enough to write a message. Hope the rest of your nights are ok.

Ailsa I hope you find a new focus soon. I am lacking a bit of focus myself at the moment. I ahve made t back to work ok but seem to have lost motivation for anything else. I am ok when i am at work but even my motivation to leave the house for work is going, late for work this am, just could not get out of bed, not tired just did not want to move. That has reflected in my running. little motivation this week, i last ran on sunday, then today i finally went to the Gym but realised i had forgotten my trainers! I went for a swim insted because i had my swimming cozzi. so I guess i am still swimming! but it has definately got slower these last 2 weeks and felt a bit like going backwards today! Obviously not the physical swimming!

I go to see occupational health at work again tomorrow, I guess she will want to know how my return to work is going and where next. what next is bothering me. The only thing next is to treat the ward patients, but i will freely admit (on here anyway) that I am scarred of that still and feel I can not cope well with unexpected sudden judgements at the moment. The sort ok thing much more likely to happen with sick inpatients. Can't really tell the boss it like that though, you can't really turn to your boss and say 'I am scared of my job'! I know they are wanting me to increase my workload and to go back on the oncall rota, the locum finishes at the end of the month, and the other regs don't like working with him anyway ( he is a bit work shy). But I feel a long way off dealing with really vvery sick patients in the early hours, it is only really the very sick that you see in the early hours of the morning.  Maybe I will need to be forced back into it to take the plunge but doing things at my own pace seems to have worked so far, I haven't run for thee hills yet. We'll see.

today is 8 months for me, and it seems surreal, like some stupid teen soap opera where people watch the suffering because they feel better about themselves. I guess I mean it does not feel real. I know hes not here, but it is like he has just gone away and will be back later and ill tell him all about it! Don't know how long this feeling lasts, it has probably actually got worse over the last few months, not less.

Oh i am such a misery a the moment.

Hugs all round, just because they are good.

Take care.

becky

Hello all

It is nice to be able to keep up on FB, I manage to go on most days and keep up with everyone but some things can't be posted on there for fear of upsetting family etc.

Well it's 18 months on now and I often can't believe how much has happened since Colin died, I certainly never imagined I could be this happy again. Today is a big day for me, Mick has found a job in my area and moves in with me today. I think about Colin everyday, on and off and still cry frequently but on the other hand I smile, laugh and feel loved again. I must have done something right somewhere along the line to get a second chance at happiness! I hope this post gives some hope to others just starting out on this awful journey.

To all my penguin friends, I really don't know how I would have got through that first year without your support. Gayle, Lynne and Helen... it was because of you that I met Mick in the first place, can't thank you enough. xx Also thankyou to a very special man, who helped me to grow in confidence, made me realise that I was strong enough to carry on and that I still had love to give.

I truely hope that we will all find happiness again lovely ladies and gents. Hopefully see some of you the next time you are in Manchester.

HappyAnna! xxxxxx   :-)

Ah Lesley thats so lovely to hear , so so pleased for you and it wasn't down to us you met Mick , we could only "advise " you , you still had to go out there and do it .. I too never thought i would feel happy again and i feel i have been given a 2nd chance at happiness , always scared its going to be taken away as it was before , but i'm trying to relax and enjoy . K is almost moved in with me , he's here more often than not and that will be our next step . To the ladies that are on this rocky journey , i still wobble and shake but i do feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel and i thank god everyday for the lovely penguins who i couldn't have done without . I too eep up with all the posts but sometimes find it hard to post now . Some of you will know what i mean . Stay strong ladies and i will say the "newbies " are doing a fantastic job of supporting each other and i hope we do give you some hope that there is a future , might not be able to see it yet but it will come .

 Gayle , Helen , Sue , Amanda , Lesley , Patricia , Ailsa ,Fiona , Rosemary , Bren and of course Judi are the penguins i met at the very begining of this Journey and i will be eternally gratful for your support over the last 21 months .

Take care all (i'm not going anywhere , this sounds like a goodbye speach lol ) but its not xx Hugs to all that need them and are struggling at the moment (((hugs))))

Lynne xxxx

Oh Lesley

HUGE congratulatopns to you. i am SO SO thrilled that you have found happiness with Mick and that jobwise it has worked out so that he can move in with you.

Life is too short to deny ourselves thwe opportunity of happiness - glad you've grabbed that chance.

xx

What a lovely post Lesley, so so happy for you and Mick.  Brightened my morning :)) x x x

Morning everyone!!

Lesley so pleased for you!!! Hope you re both very happy, you deserve it. I had similar feelings, I used to think I must have been bad in my last life all the lovely people I have lost in my life too soon but now I think maybe someone wants me to be happy again. I worry a bit like Lynne that it wont last or something will go wrong but got to enjoy it while I can. 

Gayle glad op was ok, hope the pain and swelling is getting easier. Your boys are so sweet and well done to them for looking after you xx

 Becky I still get the feeling of `it cant be real!!` and it ll be 2 years in May for me. Not sure why our minds do that to us? Maybe a protection thing. How did you get on with occupational health? Sure they ll understand and support you.

Big hugs to everyone for as good a weekend as possible

Helen xxxx

Lovely to hear you have found some happiness Lesley.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone.  Lesley what a lovely post.  I am so happy for you and thank you for sharing your happiness with us.  It gives me hope for the future.  I still struggle with seeing myself in another relationship.  I think Patricia hit the nail on the head for me - I am definately 'lost' right now.  I am sure I will figure it out when the time is right so not all doom & gloom.  There is always lots for me to do

Becky how was it with the occupational therapist?  I hope they are going to give you the time you need.

Helen, Lynne it is lovely to hear you are both very happy as well.  The thing I notice most about you both being in relationships is your chances to do some of the things I miss most from my 'old' life.  Watching footie in the local pub is a biggie.  It is so hard to do those things on your own.  I have to say though that as I am posting right now my son has just rung and asked me to pop round to his this evening so that will be nice.

Dot I hope you and Alan are okay today.  I think about you often...and Ellie-dog xxx

Gayle I am glad to hear you are making a good recovery even if it is slower than you want.  Good luck with your psychic night.  I thnk I just got a poor one but I was quite bored with John Edwards when I went with Judi, Fiona & Teri last year.  I will have to assume I am not easily impressed with that sort of thing.

I am trying not to pin my hopes on this coming off but there is a chance that my son & his girlfriend are going to move in with me for a while.  To give themselves a bit more spare cash for holidays they are considering renting their house out.  My house is big enough for the 3 of us and the idea of company around the place and sport on the telly again really appeals.  I get on with Suzanne and having a man around the house will be lovely too.  Life is for living and if this gives them a bit more cash to live their life and I get company as well I think it will be a good thing.  It will give me more opportunity to do some of the things I am missing as well - might stop me feeling so lost.

Well I should get on with something.  I got pleanty of reading done the other night Patricia and no Dot - I did not have to resort to War & Peace to nod off!

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hello all

I am home now, it was exactly what I needed, a good getaway and with someone who wanted to see everything, it forced me to get out and move.  We walked and walked all over Montreal, saw some great tourist attractions (lots of penguins at the Biodome, they were so cute) and of course they shopped!  I really needed that getting out and doing things.  So now that the snow is gone here, I am going to try to get out walking with the dog every day. 

I did come home to no heat, my furnace is broken and the part is a difficult one to get.  Luckily my handyman was nearby Friday night and he did try and he will find that part and fix it, so far I am ok, it is not so cold out and with little heaters and my electric fireplace it is not bad in here.  Can't believe I will be glad to go to work and warm up!  He also expects to get to my floor this week so I will be happy to get that mess sorted, I am not putting anything back into that room unless I love it so hope to get rid of more junk. 

Great news Leslie, I am happy for you, enjoy every minute.

Ailsa I do understand the being lost.  I feel I have no purpose right now, just getting through each day and I really don't want to look to the future, it is too scary alone.  But hopefully one day we will find our purpose.  In the meantime, keep swimming, there are good days coming for all of us. 

Patricia, I am so glad your family in Japan is ok, I also was thinking of you.

Gayle, I am glad your surgery is over and hope you are recovering nicely.  You are such a great mother, I can't imagine having to take care of anyone else right now, I can barely take care of myself.

to everyone, lots of hugs

Bren