My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning everyone.  As I was catching up on the posts here since I was last on I have cried and smiled.  Sue I must say the same thing as Helen - very wise words.  I have been feeling very sad recently.  Apart from the obvious I am trying to figure out why and what I can do about it because I don't like feeling like this and it is such a waste of valuable time.  I am struggling to figure out what my purpose is right now.  My purpose should be to make the most of my time but it is incredibly hard work on my own.  Everyone is getting on with their lives which means I have to try that much harder to join in.  My friends and family have their busy lives and have mostly stopped calling me to invite me along.  I make the calls myself now as I don't want to hide away and this mostly works but it is hard work and sometimes gets me down.  I miss everyday laughing and joking now I am on my own.  Smiling makes a person feel so much better but I seem to have to search very hard for smiles right now.  I love to read that Sue & Helen are both feeling happy and like you are both getting somewhere.  It really makes me feel like the effort I seem to have to put in right now to get included will pay off at some point and I will figure out what that purpose is I am looking for.

Janet (Janken2) welcome to the huddle.  I hope you had a pleasant day out yesterday and a nice meal.

Becky I have been trying to arrange to go to a zumba class what a while now.  The friend I am going to go with works shifts though I we keep cancelling.  I think I would enjoy it.  I'm glad your step-daughter liked her birthday gift as I remember you being concerned about what she might really like when we were in Liverpool.  It was nice you had a chance to visit mark's special place while you were at your parents.  I am aware that I am mostly the only person going to Chris's grave now.  My youngest daughter still goes from time to time and leaves flowers and lights a candle.

Patricia how ar you?  I have been thinking a lot about you and your family wondering whether your daughter-in-laws family are affected by the earthquake in Japan.  I so hope not and that they are all well and safe.

Pam from your text I know you are on your way to Gran Canaria so I hope you find it easier than you think once you are there.  You could do with a nice rest and some sun I am sure.  Have a lovely time.

Sarah it is nice to hear from you again as well.  Keep checking in and posting as I always find it helps me here.

Sheena it is good to hear that Kenny is doing okay.  It is such a horrible feeling when we have words with someone we care so much for.  It is inevitable under the pressure.  Don't dwell on it.  Lots of (((hugs))).

Gayle I hope you are feeling a little better today.  You sound so utterly tired.  You work so hard and have the 2 boys to think about all the time.  You are not well right now so I think it is far more likely that you are worn out than depressed.  You are right to consider that but I have watched my daughter as a single parent of just one boy.  She has been absolutely exhausted at times as she too has a demanding job.  You both seem determined to set the right example to your children and expect so much of yourselves.  It is so hard to work things out when you are tired but try to sort one issue out at a time so that the problem can disappear off the radar for a bit.  I am sorry you had the arguement with your parents but maybe they will realise that you need a bit more support for now regardless of what they think longterm.  They obviously don't understand just how hard this rollercoster is but then why would they?  I know my parents don't.  If your row gets you a little more help that is the best for now at least until you get your health sorted out.  One thing is for certain - they love you and worry about you.  Just for good measure Ewan and his plastic drill managed to make me cry while smiling - not a good look!

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

 

 

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all for the kind words and texts. Ailsa, I think you are right in that I am just shattered.  And I think we are feeling much the same way at the moment.  Just in a strange sadness kind of limbo state.  I have too much to do and not enough time.  I really need to sort things out and get myself better organised.  I haven't spoke to my parents about the argument and don't think they really get it.  I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday but we didn't discuss it.  I am going to try and rest a bit this weekend and hopefully feel a bit better about going into hospital rather than being frazzled and anxious.  The insurance company are now paying out after my consultant spoke to them so that is one less worry.  So I go in on Monday and I have decided to come home Monday night all going well.  Probably not the greatest idea but the boys will be away for a few days and I went to M&S yesterday and stocked up on snacks and ready meals so I don't need to have much effort when I get home and I can just try and rest.  Obviously I am nervous about it but just want it over with and hopefully get some answers.  I will probably be in a right tizz by monday morning but this time next week it will all be done.  I had a nice quiet night last night with the boys and we went and got a DVD and a takeaway so that was good and today we were supposed to be going to the museum but it is snowing here so we stayed home and worked on Jamie's ancient egypt project (or I did and very impressed I am with my pyramid building lol).  Tonight my friend is coming over to watch a dvd as I don't have a babysitter and tomorrow will be just getting organised so I don't have to do anything or think about anything till about Thursday. 

Anyway, I hope you are all well and have a good weekend.

Gayle x x

Hi everyone, Gayle "just in a strange sadness kind of limbo state" thats exactly how I feel just now too. I am not bad during the week as my mind is occupied at work, finding the weekends difficult. The snow and cold here today probably didn't help either as I would usually play golf. Whacking that wee white ball usually helps!! Penguin weather here today, can I huddle in the middle to keep warm and safe. Why us? Take care everyone. Jackie xx

Gayle, I hope you have a better week. Good luck with the operation.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi all

Gayle sending you best wishes and good luck for tomorrow, I hope you will have someone to look after you at least on the first night you are out of hospital. I hope things get better between you and your parents. I know I am extreemly lucky as my father and sister have been extreemly supportive over this past 9 months (my mum has her own health problems so we will leave that relationship out of the discussion!)  and unfortunately I am just me, no kids to look after. I think you are increadably independant and have soo much on you plate all the time I hope you and your parents find a common ground to understand each others perspective.

Ailsa I am sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment, a lack of something to focus on I guess and that horrible stage when it is something to focus on that is just your choice, as I have said before I also hate having completed something Mark would have wanted because he feels that bit further away. But I guess its all part of finding a way without them here (in person anyway). Work keeps me busy now most of the day, not sure if just not thinking about it is good but the days have begun to fly by again. All the worries and stress about if I've done the right thing and what is happening to my career are back. Though I admit when it comes to my career most of the time when the worry surfaces my instinct right now is I don't give a ****.

Pam I know I have missed posting before your holiday but if you read this when you get back I hope the warm sunshine did your soul some good and you managed to enjoy yourself without it being too bitter sweet.

Patricia you always post such lovely supportive words, thankyou. Maybe we will meet one day and I'll be able to say that in person.

I have a memory that is a bit sieve like and have forgotten alot of what and who has said what in other posts so forgive me but huge hugs all round.

well i am trying to fill my weekend as i had no plans this week, all family and friends have their own partners and families to be with and this weekend its just me and the cat. I did Zumba again on friday night, I do like it but I wish there were not so many mirrors in the studio at the gym! you think you are doing what the instructor is doing but when you catch sight of yourself it is nowhere near as attractive!! lol. But be reasured neither is anyone else in the class,lol. yesterday I did the gym again and the knees are holding up so far but i have taken a step back in my training, but have realised that if i think my knees maybe starting to hurt its not because im unfit its because i should stop, when i cant breath thats because im unfit, lol!!! Today is housework day and i plan to do a bit of outdoor running if i can find the motivation!

I hope everone else is having a more interesting weekend then me and I hope you can find something to enjoy, at least a bit.

keep swimming

Becky

Becky I am worn out just reading your post. Zumba, the gym, running, housework, I need to lie down now. Take care that you don;lt wear yourself out. As so many on here can tell you, it is your way of filling your time so you can't 'think' about your life as it is now. I never have a minute to myself these days but that is not by choice. I am awlays driving to one or other person to help them out. 'Superwoman'? No. I just find it hard to decline when I am asked to do anything for anyone else. By the same token, I also find it almost impossible to ask for any help for myself (in fact I am more inclined to decline). What's that you say? Stupid and silly? Well yes I am but that is nothing new. I have always been a giver and I cannot see that changing any time soon. Now after reading that it is cleaning day I feel that I really must get a move on and tackle those essential jobs which are waiting so patiently for my attention.

To all the penguins who are needed support, get into the middle of the huddle, my oh so long arms will support you. For those who are in a better place right now, I hope the better times continue.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

p.s. Thank you to all who have enquired about my Japanese family's welfare. They are safe and well and many miles from the terrible tragedies.

Evening all.  Gayle I hope you are still making a good recovery after your op.  I am so glad for you that it is out of the way.  Becky I hope you found something to fill the rest of your Sunday at the weekend.  Right now I feel like I am killing time and that makes me sad.  I have tomorrow off work because I have been out tonight and thought maybe I would be too tired to work tomorrow.  I had one days holiday to take before the end of the month.  I went to see a medium in a local club tonight and he was very disappointing.  I am very sceptical about this sort of thing and he really hasn't helped the cause.  I would say there was only one possibly credible conversation all night.  The rest was very vague.  There was one biggie but to be fair he could even have taken that information by looking back a year or so in the local papers.  It is good if someone gets some comfort from it but I have seen little else to impress me this evening.  I drove so now I am home with no work to get up for tomorrow but really not tired enough to go to bed.  That will just end up meaning too much time to think.  This is exactly the problem I am having right now - no purpose.

I hope everyone else it okay tonight.  This very wide awake bunny is off to se if reading for a bit will bring the need to sleep on.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Oh Ailsa, I am so sorry you are feeling so lost at the moment. I know that feeling all too well. I do hope that reading helped you to get off to sleep. I have been so busy helping everyone else just lately that I have not had any time to myself. It is very wearing but also quite satisfying. On Tuesday I went to SeaLife centre at Scarborough to see my adopted penguin 'Muttley'. She is quite cute and came and stood by the fence where we were listening to a talk about the penguins. The 'keeper' was very surprised at that because apparently she does not stand by anyone normally. Anyway, we had a good day and learned lots about penguins, seals, otters, seal turtles, sea horses and sea dragons. mmm.... we learned and then I proptly forgot duh.

Gayle I hope you are feeling better now after your hospital stay.

Fiona, did you manage to enjoy your birthday this year? I hope so.

Well penguins old and new, I hope you have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning all

Hope everyone is still swimming - or at least doing a 'doggy paddle'?  (Or should that be a penguin paddle?) My life seems to be all doom and gloom just now - and not necessarily because Alan is having treatment again.  We're two weeks into more chemo treatment and so far so good!!!!  I guess time will tell as to how he will be with it.......It's early days yet.  We had a bit of a panic last week when his head and neck turned bright red and itchy - but it turned out to be a reaction to another drug he'd been given to combat gout!!!!  He looked as if he'd fallen head first in a big nettle patch.........

I feel that I'm drifting and definitely have no structure to my days.....after years of working full-time and looking after house and family to find myself retired and with time on my hands is really weird.  There is no reason to get out of bed (apart from Alan's hospital visits) but I do because Ellie-dog and I enjoy our early morning wander round the park..........The old girl (ummm - I mean Ellie not me) wanders slowly along now as running is out of the question - she has arthritis in her hips and is often in pain........Some days even half an hour's walk distresses her.............I feel another big vet bill is not far away as i try to find something to help her cope with her pain and discomfort...........

Ailsa - I hope you managed to read yourself to sleep - 'War and Peace' is a good book to get you to sleep - if it doesn't bore you it will knock you out when you drop it!!!!!!  Been there - tried that - and got a black eye when the book fell on my face!!!!

Patricia - were you staying up late or out of bed early this morning....... Were you suffering from information overload on Tuesday?  Your penguin sounds cute and obviously knows who her 'adopted mum' is!!!!!!

Gayle - hope all is well with you now and that your problems are on the way to being sorted out now??

It has been very quiet on here recently - so I hope that means better days for some of our penguin huddle - but if your days are not so good then waddle into the middle so that we can look after you and keep you safe........

Love and comforting (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to all

Dot xxxxxxxxx

Ah Dot, well spotted. I was still awake for a very valid reason. I was at work but on a very rare 'break' so decided to check out a few things. I do hope that things do start to improve a little in your life. It is very hard when you find yurself drifting along. The 'War and Peace' reference made me laugh, especially the part about it falling on yuour face (sorry).

Well I guess I better had off and try to catch a few more zzzzzzz's before heading off to do my next shift.

I hope that all you 'penguins' are having the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x