My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

So many posts filled with sadness, regret, lonliness, fear for the future. I cannot reply individually but would like to offer my unswerving support and love to you all. It is a rollercoaster ride which none of us wanted to take. The highs and lows and the neverending swerves are surprising and often terrifying. I often ask myself what I did to deserve this unwanted ride. The answer is always the same... NOTHING. I did absolutely nothing but life dealt my husband a rubbish hand and now I am left to deal with the consequences as are all of you.

My motto 'Take each day one second at a time' because for me at least things can change in the blink of an eye. I rarely make plans more than a few days in advance because when I do, they are likely to be thwarted and then I have to make excuses for why I cannot do something or go somewhere. I have lived like this for about 3 or 4 years now. I seem to have got myself into a wierd and unreal situation. I do not live I survive.

This was meant to be a post of support not one of senseless babble.

Anyway. Love and angel hugs to all (both established and newcomers) x x x Patricia x x x

I would like to give all you pengiuns who are having a bad time at the moment  lots of penguin ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) Is it because of Spring on its way with all new births that is making us so blue.

I am with my friends at the moment, who we used to go on holiday with, and we are going off to Gran Canaria on Saturday.  Am trying to get some enthusiasm up for this, and hoping that some warm sunshine might lift my spirits some. 

I went for lunch with my friend and her pal this lunchtime and Angel by Robbie Williams was playing.  They were talking about every day things and their husbands and all I could think about was Martin and me dancing to Angel.  I was there on the dance floor with him dancing and feeling so sad.  It just seems that I am in this bubble with my grief and everything is going on around me and I am here missing Martin so much.  I don't know if it is getting ready for the first holiday without him, but I am back to missing him so very much and the pain is so great.  I am acting the part, smiling, trying to act normally (whatever that is) and I am slowly dying inside. I thought it was getting easier but I was wrong.  He is in my head, I see him everywhere.  But he is not with me.................

Oh Pam - I can only offer you a big comforting (((((((((((hug))))))))))) and say that I think of all my penguin friends often through the day - a group (((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))) would be good for us all........... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yes folks, I am struggling too at the moment.

I just feel like I am ticking off the days instead of actually 'living' my life.  And to make it worse people keep telling me that I should be getting on with my life because that is what my Mum would want me to do, blah blah blah.  Of course she would want me to, but at the same time I KNOW she would understand this path of grief that I must walk. And I know that she would be proud that I am continuing to take care of myself and my house and my work and everyday things etc. 

BUT I'm finding it so very hard.  I miss her so very very much, my best friend that I done everything with.  Almost everything I do reminds me of her.  I'm feeling really lonely sometimes.  If I could just rewind to how life used to be, before she got ill of course.

I am going on a weekend break soon and I am dreading it.  It's the first time I've been away without her and we used to always go on holidays together.  I know it'll do me good but at the same time I'm feeling like I can't wait until its over, which is pretty sad really.

I'm also going through a phase of feeling bitter about anyone that tells me happy news, like new babies or weddings or whatever, stuff that my Mum will never see me do and I wanted to share stuff like that with her in future. 

Crikey I sound so depressing, lol!!  Many days I have coped quite well I think, but at the moment I'm right back a couple of months or so, to how I felt at the beginning of the year.  Please let me feel better soon. 

Hugs to everyone here and so glad that we are not alone in our feelings.

Sarah x

Evening everyone

Gayle big hugs to you. You are allowed to shout and sound off every now and then, you are so busy all the time. We all need some help at times xxx

Becky I do know what you mean about feeling guilty for getting on with life and `managing` dont beat yourself up. You know its what Mark would want you to be doing. Yes I have heard of Zumba and after going back to the gym tonight that is my next mission!! My friend goes and loves it!!

I am in a good place and I must admit I do tend to hold back on sharing it. I didnt in the early days and I know me `doing well` helped keep others going. I suppose because I am happy with a new man I still feel guilty in a way although I dont in other ways as I know its what Paul wanted. But yes life is good although I have had a few moments lately thinking how on earth am I coming up to the 2nd anniversary??

Ailsa I hope you find other ways to keep busy and find the satisfaction that doing your jobs has brought you. I know how important these have been and also helpful in getting you through.

Pam enjoy your holiday. Big hugs to all the lovely penguins who pop in here. Remember......just keep swimming!!!!!

Helen xxx

Dear Helen,

Please don't hold back on sharing your good news and happiness..

i remember only too well all the gloom and despondency that we shared when we originally hijacked Ailsa's thread!!!!  Was it really almost two years ago?  Please forgive me, anyone who has joined more recently, but we were, without exception , all in that dark place without a single glimmer of light or hope between us.

And yet....... somehow the world has gone on turning inexorably, and we have moved with it. Many, many times we have stood still, gone backwards and even felt like jumping off, but the love that we each shared with our spouses has shored us up  and we are now in a different place. We still have our days when it all comes back to us,but I for one feel as though i am getting somewhere with my new life. It's different - I am different, my life is completely different, and I owe it to Alan's memory and legacy to make the most of the situation.So, dear H, be happy, and move forward in the sure knowledge that Paul would -indeed, WILL- be happy for you.  Life isn't a dress rehearsal, we only get one shot at it- how awful if we wasted any chance of happiness that might come our way.

xx

Please, please keep posting your good news and your happiness.  We, who are still in the early stages need this to give us hope that it does get easier.  We can tell you how bad we feel, but you have been there and you know.  But we do not know how we will feel further down the line, so it is really good to know that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.  We need this, so please do not stop.  xxx

Well I have packed and am ready for my holiday tomorrow.  I am finding it really hard, the first holiday without Martin.  I don't know how I am going to be, but know it is something I must do.  As you have said, life goes on and I must go on with it.  So onward and upward as they say.

I wish all you lovely penguins as good a day as possible.

((((((hugs)))))))) to all

Pammie xx

I hope you have a good holiday.  I appreciate how hard it must be to go without Martin. 

I like feeling part of the penguin group.  Sometimes I feel very very lonely.  Life seems to be going on round about me and I am in a vacuum.  Kenny still recovering, but the future is very unsure.

We argued yesterday, about something trivial, and I feel so low today.  I want to make every second count, but life gets in the way.  Pressures of work, family, money etc are hard to deal with just now.  We need a break.  Kenny needs a break from doctors/hospitals/treatment/feeling awful etc. 

I feel better knowing I am amongst friends and penguins who are always happy to provide comfort and hugs.

I am scared of the future but hope that I can make the most of the present.

Anyway, I am posting to wish you all the best for your holiday.  Enjoy the sunshine if you can.

Sheena

Thank you Sheena, I am going with a positive attitude and will see what happens.  What more can I do. 

Don't get too upset about arguments.  When you are in the situation you are in it is so easy to get scratchy with each other.  I know sometimes Martin used to snap, but I tried to push it aside as I knew he did not really mean it,  but the nature of the illness does make them bad tempered sometimes. 

I tell you what my lovely penguins, whether I get on OK or not while I am away I am determined to keep swimming xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Big ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you all

Love

Pammie xx

Sue, such wise words as always. You are so right!!! It is down to our lovely men that we are doing what we re doing. I promised Paul I would make the most of life and be ok and I am at last doing that for him. Was so much harder than I imagined but I am getting there after lots of swimming!!! Sue well done to you, Alan will be so proud of you!!!! xxx

Pam have a good time, I hope your first hols helped as much as mine did.

Sheena I remember the harsh words we had when Paul was down and tired with the treatment but they really dont mean it. We are the ones closest and they take it out on us xxx

Penguins have a good weekend

Lots of love and hugs and thanks for all being here

Helen xxxx