My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone - or should I say penguins!!  I hope you don't mind me gatecrashing your forum - I too have lost my husband, Will, he died last July (19th) to bowel cancer - and I have been living the same type of life as you all seem to be doing - I am just thankful I found your conversations - it has been refreshing to know that I am not going round the bend - you all seem to be going through the same roller coaster life as I am. 

I feel that my life seemed to end the day my wonderful husband went to sleep for the last time!  I have always been one of lives copers, friends and family always come to me to help them with their troubles, but now I live aimlessly from one day to another. At the beginning of December I dislocated my shoulder, then on 12th December I lost my Mum, she was 90 yrs old, then I had a serious chest infection for which I was in hospital for 3 days, I am still off work recovering from it.  I have been told by my GP it will take quite a long time for me to recover.  To cap it all my husbands family - his children - have been accusing me of having money from Wills estate that I am not entitled to...I have proved to them via his will (that he hadn't actually signed but I am keeping to all the same) and also probate that anything I have had has been quite legally and morally right - they have actually had a lot more money than I have!

I have days where I just cry all the time then other days when I cope with what happens on that day.  Everything revolves around when Will died - does anyone else do that?  People will talk about something that happened and I automaically think oh that was before Will died or that happened just after Will died etc

I am dreading Monday - another first! Will always did something special for us and now it will be almost just another day.  Someone on here said before that it was the thought of not seeing them again not feeling them hug you etc - that is just how I feel - alone desloated sad unhappy and so much more.

Will was my life - we met later in life - I was 47 he was 55 in 2004, we married in 2008 and he died just 2 days before our 2nd wedding anniversary.  He made me feel so good after me having an abusive first marriage, he was caring, loving, amazing, my mr wonderful. On the Weds before he died and the consultant had just told us he had only weeks not months to live my darling Will broke down crying and said 'what about Janet how is she going to cope' that may tell you the measure of my husband - at that awful moment in our lives he was concerned about me not him!!

So when I read your comments I thought I wonder if they would mind me adding my comments...someone else on here said if people have not been through this then although can be sympathetic they dont KNOW whats its really like -   and you all do - you have 'been there done that' etc etc and I suppose I wonder if you have had your question answered - what happens now?

I look forward to reading more of your very upbuilding and tear jerking comments

Janet

Hi Janet .

Of course your not intruding and your more than welcome to add your coments . There's so many of us on here now and we are all at different stages of this crappy journey and so there is always someone ready to give some really good advice . Your story has so many similar things as mine , i too was in a second marriage after a long first marriage , i thought i'd met my soul mate for life little did i know that i would only have him for 6 years and he died 6 days before our second wedding anniversary . I'm now 19 months into this roller coaster called life . Things do get a little better (some times) but i couldn't have done it without my lovely penguin friends and although i've met someone else now , it doesn't take away the pain and i still cry lots . Please keep posting Janet , it really does help and maybe one day you'll come on a ",meet " too

. Hi to all my other penguin friends , my brain is frazzled today (to much wine yesterday ) sorry . Hope everyone is doing ok and hope the weekend is being kind to everyone .

 Take care all

Lynne xxxxx

Welcome Janet to our conversation.  It is an awful thing that we each find ourselves needing to be here but you will find comfort and support here.  I'm so sorry you lost your husband Will.  You sound like you have been through the mill a bit yourself in December so I hope your chest is very soon much better.  I identify with so much of what you have said.  You are right about the friends on here really knowing what it is like.  As for whether there has been an answer to the question - what happens now - I think each of us would have a different answer to that one.  For me whatever happens now seems to happen very slowly.  I am hitting significant dates again now in the lead up to the 2nd May.  I have been shocked to find the dates still knock me for six but pleased as well to realise that the upset is definiately something I am more able to cope with this year.  I am stronger than I was this time last year.  I am healing as far as my shock & grief at losing Chris is concerned but I am still regularly brought down by missing him, my sadness and my isolation.  We have always said we must take baby steps & one day at a time & keep swimming to keep our heads above the water but the process can be frustratingly slow.  The best thing about finding this site is talking to new friends and realising that everything I feel has usually been felt by someone else.  We are each doing things differently but it is great to know we can come on here.  I am officially a 'coper' as well.  I am good at putting on a front on like so many others who have posted but I am so glad this site exists and keeps me sane (a bit at least!!!).

I hope everyone has a good day.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Morning Lynne - our posts crossed.  Hope the head soon clears. xxx

Morning Penguins, Well it's not a good day here very wet and windy. Welcome Janet sorry to hear abour your husband keep posting we will try and help you the best we can. Gayle hope you are doing ok and your eyes are improving, i would like to try laser treatment but don't think i am brave enough. How is your dog doing? Is Jamie and Ewan doing ok are they on holiday from school this week?

Lynne you are going to be busy, i have just had someone in to give me a  price for doing my living room so off to buy paint etc today,  Glad to hear you and Kev getting on, you deserve to be happy Lynne and as we all know life is to short to worry what others think. Hope your dad getting on ok after yet another operation., it must be so hard for him. I am looking after dad from today for a week as my sister off to Tenerife on holiday she needs a break as she looks after dad the most. I will have to be there morning teatime and bedtime he is so hard work as can do nothing for his self other than get his clothes on and thats even a struggle. O well we promised mum we would look after him and thats what we are doing.

Helen enjoy your holiday at the Lakes, Ailsa you are always busy wish i had your energy good luck with the painting the garage. Becky hope work doing ok it must be hard for you. Pam well done in booking your holiday.

Patricia how are you doing and how's your new granddaughter doing i am sure she will be growing fast?

I had a friend phoned me last night to see if i wanted to go up and have a wee drink so that was a nice change rather than sitting in on my own on a Sat night it was great to catch up. Well only seven weeks to New York i am so looking forward to going it will be nice to spend time with Kim as well, mind you we are both dreading leaving Charlie he is at a great age now and so funny although keeps me on my toes on a Thurs now i just fall in to bed at night but i love looking after him. I just wish Derek could be here to enjoy him as well. In some ways he looks like Derek when he was a baby.

Well i better get some housework done before i go for paint and shopping. a big hug to everyone.

Fiona xxxx     

Hi everyone - Judes here. I just want to send so much love and hugs to all of my old (and you just know that I don't mean that in a 'rude' way! Just that you have been my friends for oh so long!) and to all the fledgling penguins. 

As some of you know I have been 'missing' for quite a while.  I know it will sound a little odd but I have been on the outside reading all your posts and really, really have been with you, but just not been posting.  Not really sure why!!??

My darling Kat has had the all clear from the vet, the end of a very long five weeks of near daily visits to the vet when we thougth she may not pull through, all from an accident with a door and her tail!  Incredibly worrying and seemed to take up all my brain power - combined with work related things.  No excuse for not joining you but the only way I seemed to be able to cope. 

I have in the last few weeks been approached by another firm of lawyers and the upshot of it is I am starting a new, much more responsible, job at the beginning of April.  It is actually quite scary as it has the word Manager in the title ..... which is something that most people would burst out laughing at.  It has taken me a lot of soul searching and questioning my ability ..... particularly my ability to be a 'grown up'!  Those of you that know me will know that in my head Ed was the grown up - I just swanned through life being looked after.  But I am absolutely sure that he sent me my current job and this is him now saying "ok, Judes, you have proved you can do it, I always said you could, now it's your time to go out and show everyone else".

One of the reasons I don't post so much now is because I seem to have reached a place where the majority of the time I am able to look and think of my time Ed with total pleasure and smiles and not tears.  Yet I know that it was not so long ago that every word some of you newer penguins could have been penned by me.  Not sure when this 'change' took place, but know that when I was at my lowest the last thing I wanted to hear was "it will get better", I just didn't believe a word of it, so am slightly nervous of posting anything of that ilk.    Don't think for one minute my love for the most amazing man has diminished - nothing could be further from teh truth.  It is just as if now his love and confidence in me gives me strength rather than flooring me with despair. 

So, new job ...... new VERY short haircut ......... healthy but still daft dogs and a Boy that continues to delight me and is making me incredibly proud.  And I am happy ...... not and never will be the same kind of happiness I experienced previously, but more about me and what I can achieve myself.  HE gave me that. 

Shall go now, off to buy a jacket with really big shoulder pads ..... that is what managers wear isn't it ... power dressing!  But know I am sending love and hugs to all.  Judes xxxxx   

Hi everyone

Judes I totally understand when you say about not believing it could ever get easier when peole said it in the early days and I must admit I bite my tongue from saying it but it is true. I think you can only discover for yourself further down the journey!! Also we all know we never love our lovely men any less than we did so why do we feel the need to explain....yes I am becoming happier but still love Paul as always xxx Congrats on the new job xxxx I have only got `deputy manager` in my title but still shy away from using it lol!!

Fiona New York sounds fab!! No winder you re excited xx

Janet welcome and so glad our `conversations` help you. They have definitely helped me through the last 21 months xx

Ailsa Chris`s grave looks lovely xxxx I cant believe we are coming to the 2nd anniversaries, surely not!!

Well have a good Sunday penguins, I m going to order a new cooker. Cant put it off any longer!!

Helen xxxx

Ailsa, now you have explained to me about your garage ceiling it makes perfectly good sense.  It has now made me feel better as I thought perhaps I had to paint mine.  Glad to know that is one job I do not have to do xx.

Oh Janet, I am so sorry that you have had to join this 'club' but also so glad you have found us.  I lost Martin September last year and if it had not been for this site I don't think I would have made it.  All these lovely penguins old and new are such a spirit raiser when you are down.  All I can add to what has been written before is, just keep reading and if you feel strong enough, posting.  No-one on this site judges or derides.  We all know how you feel and probably have been through and are going through all you are now.  When you read the penguins who are farther down the line than us, you do realise that you will get through.  It will not be easy and you will never forget, but I firmly believe you will learn to make a new life and I hope, one day, find the contentment that is so missing in our lives at the moment. Lots of penguin (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you xx

Lynne, as long as you enjoyed yourself  I am sure you can put up with a bit of a frazzled brain.  It is good to hear that you had a good time xx

Fiona, hope you had a good evening last night and what a great trip you are making.  I have never been to New York.  Martin and I often talked about it but we never got there, but you never know, one day I might make it.

Judes, your post is so uplifting.  It just shows us newer penguins that we will make it.  We just have to realise that it is baby steps and a lot of time. I think my problem is I try to rush things, but am realising that you cannot rush greiving, you have to take it one step at a time and then one day sometime in the future I know I will get there.

Well, I have had a really terrible morning.  To start at the beginning I only have one brother left of my older family.  I obviously have my two daughters and my grandchildren who are great, but have lost my mum and dad and MIL and FIL. So my brother was the only one left who I felt I could lean on, as you do not want to burdon the childlren too much.  Well, my brother has always been terribly unrealiable and very self absored, but since Martin passed on he has been good.  I thought he was there for me.  He was supposed to be coming down for a visit at end of February, well he phoned up this morning to say he would not be able to make it.  Wont go into why, but not a very good reason.  Well I just fell apart, don't know where it came from.  Thought I was doing so well,  still missing Martin like mad but feeling that I was starting to get on with my life and then BAM!! I have spent the morning in floods of tears and felt I was back to square one.  Brother said he would phone later when I was not so upset.  Well, suprise, suprise, no phone call.  I know it should not get me down, I should know by now what my brother is like,, so how can I let it upset me so.  I am feeling a bit better now and the tears have stopped.  So I think I have got over the worst.  But isn't it strange how things that should not upset you tend to do just that.  Now I am sitting here very red eyed and feeling that I will now not be able to rely on my brother as I thought I could.  I really thought he would step up, being that we are the only ones left.  But then, thats life I suppose.  Sorry for the waffling, but had to get that one off my chest.  I can't really talk to my daughters about it because I know what they will say.... 'you know you can't rely on him so why does it suprise you'.....       Well it did, I really thought that this time.............

Still enough of that now.  Hope all you penguins have as good a day as you can.

Lots of penguin (((((((hugs)))))))) to you all

Pammie xx

Hi there everyone and thank you so much for you warm welcome - there was a little trepidation on my part because as I wasn't certain about joining the group but I would like to thank Jude for her comments - you have no idea how much I enjoyed reading it - to know that at some point in the future there is a possibility that I might have happiness again - though it does seem such a long way away right now..

I am also off to the Lakes with my sister we shall be staying with my cousin near Ulveston I am sooo looking forward to some serious relaxation and then on 21st March Im going to USA with my youngest son John and his fiancee Caz, again something I'm really looking forward to but very sad that I'm not going with Will as this was something we had planned with each other for a few years but  was not able to fulfil it.

Gayle - I had my eyes lasered in Jan 2007 and have never looked back - was that a pun then? it has been so good not having to wear contact lenses or glasses, having said that I am now having to wear glasses when Im reading - they did tell me that my eyes would deteriorate naturally as I get older - Im now 54, but for normal every day things I do not need them.

Pammie thank you for your welcome - so you and I are 'new' penguins - it seems that this awful disease is almost getting to epidemic proportions...I know from what other people have said that the first year is supposed to be the hardest - all of the 'firsts' to overcome - but its more than that - its every day the knowledge of not seeing my baby anymore is very difficult to cope with - but then other days I am positive and get on with the day and tackle what is in front of me

My sister has been my lifeline but she is a human being and therefore not perfect - we went on holiday last September for 10 days to France with 2 of her daughters and her grandson - it was just 7 weeks after Will had passed away - the holiday was ok BUT there was the inevitable argument and my sister was so weak-willed and because she couldn't make choices it caused a big family argument - which has now been resolved - my point is it came at a time I was vulnerabe and not able to deal with it - and I felt she was being so selfish...maybe this is something your brother is doing - maybe he is feeling he cant support you as much as you would like - he is human also and therefore open to letting people down just when you least expect it or need it.  Even though you are in  tears about it now and feel very let down - maybe when you are feeling better you will be able to tell your brother how you're feeling and how his reaction had affected you

Well fellow penguins I think I now need to get with my Sunday and I look forward to meeting you all again here soon - I already feel helped and support by you - thank you so much

Janet

Afternoon all - and I'd like to add my welcome to Janet and other new members of our penguin huddle........sorry a senior moment - I have difficulty remembering all your names.  But though it's such a sad way to meet and make new friends it helps to know that you're not on your own doesn't it??  Baby steps are the way forward....and they can be the most tottering of baby steps at times - most definitely of the two forward and one back variety!!

I haven't written here for a while although I do keep reading and trying to keep up with you all...........

Ailsa - I'm so pleased that your project is almost finished - the window looks lovely and I'm sure will be much admired by your visitors.  Something different to contemplate........

Judes - so pleased to hear from you......Do we have to bow to you now you are reaching the heady heights of manager-ship?  Or is that just for the minions at work??

Janet - have a lovely time in the Lakes and later in the 'good ole US of A'.

Sorry girls - the brain cell has stopped working again - so will just send ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to everyone xxxxx

My news??  Well just now there isn't much to tell...Alan is still plodding along struggling to keep his pain under control and at times only just managing to walk!!!  We have another appointment at Haematology Clinic in a couple of weeks and hope that we will learn more then.  His blood results are still going up at a steady rate and I think we may soon be at the point where the rounds of tests and scans will begin again to get a clearer picture of just how he is....and then we will know what is to be done.  He agreed to visit the hospice last week. So we went to have a look round and he is now going to go to the drop-in session on Friday afternoon and I can go to the carers' group at the same time.  Whether he will continue to go is another matter!!!!  We shall see...........

Love and more comforting (((((((((hugs))))))))))) for you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx