My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening penguins!  Before I forget does anyone know Desmon200 or Viv20?  I have had friend requests from both but their profiles don't have anything on and no-one I know seems to be a friend already (so why am I asking I wonder?), I haven't accepted the requests just in case they are odd people stalking the site.  Why do we have to worry about such low life?  I hope I'm not being mean to them but if they wish to pop up and introduce themselves I'm sure I would feel better than just a random friend request.

Anyhow, here I am, dried out now after a day in London with little sis - it's her birthday and she wanted to go and see the Wildlife Photographer of the Year Exhibition at the Natural History Museum. It was very good, although not sure worth the trek up there in the rain and the £9.00 to see it, fighting our way through hordes and hordes of school children visiting the dinosaurs, took me back to a few school trips I helped on and I was glad of the freedom to go and have a quiet lunch in the restaurant (no sandwiches, queues for the loo and wet knickers to sort).  I am so tired now too and although my knee coped well I think every other part of me is aching from the walking we did.  Becky you could have done a run through Hyde Park alongside us - I would have looked after you and made sure you didn't need your inhaler but at least you will know to keep one to hand now.  It's horrid isn't it, I felt when I lost Steve that I had finally had to "grow up" and look after myself as well as everything else and I didn't like it one bit (getting more used to it now but still hate the looking after me bit).

Gayle you are marvellous and I'm glad your eye op went so well, hopefully all is feeling good now.  I guess they couldn't do mine - too old now, but maybe Sam will have hers done sometime, can they fix an astigmatism?  Strangely when she had her accident it reversed it, she was long sighted before and is now short sighted (I think I have that the right way round, she needs glasses for driving now), she can also do maths much better than before too and remembers phone numbers, credit cards and account numbers really easily (be warned).  How is Billie?  The boys and I have been sending lots of healing and love her way, hope she is ok.  I have at last managed to get some of the cuddly animals together and am in the process of sorting cars with Daniel (the miniature version not his big ones) so hopefully will be able to get a parcel heading your way soon.

Lynne sending lots of love to your dad, he is such a fighter isn't he?  Poor chap he really has been through so much though, the only good thing is that it must be wonderful for him to see his family growing up so beautifully - and of course having his lovely daughter with him, well when you aren't running behind ambulances or getting up to some such mischief!  Ooh I miss you xxxx

Ailsa you go easy this weekend, one coat of paint will surffice and you can wack the next one up once it's dried out, Chris would be so proud of all you've done but you don't have to turn yourself inside out to try and get it done.  Why am I saying this, I know it will go in one ear and straight out the other side - put your feet up and take a break, have you read that book yet?  I so wish we were all nearer I could nag you and look after you so much better.

Patricia sending you a few hugs too, I know you are feeling very down still and I do wish we were able to help you out of the dark places.  Remember the sparkly rope is always there, never let go xxxx

Off to make a drink and get myself into bed I think, sending you all lots of hugs, don't stay out on the ledge it's far too damp out there tonight and the rain is heading north I think - come in, the kettle will be on, I have a huge bed and lots of space for penguins to camp out amongst all the stuff Sam and Dan haven;t taken yet (Ailsa would you believe I have had an influx of even more of Daniels stuff!!) but it's warm and dry in here and we could all be so cosy!  xxxxxxx

Hi Rosemary. i've reported both those people to admin, and have e-mails from them saying that they have been banned from the site - not sure why you're still getting requests from them. have you contacted admin? xx

Hi Sue & Rosemary.  I was reading some other threads on here earlier this evening and a lot of people were complaining about those 2.  I also read that they had been banned so hopefully that will be the end of it Rosemary.  I'm glad you are all dried out now.  I will take heed of what you say Rosemary and try to sit down for a bit this weekend.  I have been reading my book - I read some on the train to Liverpool last weekend.  Don't go expecting Sam & Daniel to get their stuff sorted that easily.  None of my 3 have lived at home for years but they still all have a good pile of their belongings somewhere in the house.  It's a good job I don't ever plan to move.

I don't get what is the matter with me this evening - I feel like time is standing still.  I have done loads since I left work 6 hours ago but it isn't even 10 yet.  I suppose I shouldn't complain but it feels very strange.  Perhaps I should try a small baileys when I finish the ironing and take myself off to bed.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

I have read through all the posts but my brain is not retaining the information (long story).

Suffice it to say I am thinking of you all and hoping you all have a lovely weekend.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Good afternoon all you lovely penguins

Have been out shofering a friend round Norwich today.  She came up from Essex to see a sick friend.  She is a member of our 'club' and it was nice to be able to help.  We need all the help we can get don't we.  I helped her out but it worked both ways and she helped me out just as much.  Another day with some purpose is good for me.  I am at a stage when I do find it hard to find any sort of purpose to my life.  I just aimlessly wander from one day to the next.  I am thinking I need to do something, although I do not feel I want to be tied to anything permanent at the moment.  I have now made up my mind that after March (which is a very busy month for me, I am glad to say) I will think about signing on with some agencies to do some temping.  Don't know if the work is out there, but can try.  My life is probably as it was when Martin was with me, I go out as much as when he was well and far more than when he was ill.  But for some reason, without him in my life I have lost that sense of purpose.  I keep asking myself what the point of it all is.  Don't get me wrong, I am no more down than usual but just can't really get my head around this new life with just me in it.  I am finding it hard to explain but am sure you all know what I am trying to say.

Becky I hope you enjoy your weekend in Hull.  It is good to get away isn't it.

Ailsa, I hope you get on OK with painting your garage ceiling, but am wondering why you would want to.  I can only sumise that your garage is more than a garage, as I think I only have rafters in my garage.  I do not think you are pathetic feeling a sense of achievement in buying something on your own.  I find all things that we now have to do on our own, that we did with our partners, gives us a sense of achievement.  It does seem weird doesn't it, that some nights just fly by and other ones seem to drag.  I know I am sometimes sitting here thinking it must be late and find it is only about 7.30.  I am hoping it will be better when the clocks go forward and the weather improves.  It will be nice to be able to get out in the garden a bit more.  I think sun and fresh air are great mood boosters.

Rosemary, I am glad they have sorted out those friends requests for you.  I cannot believe that there are people about that will use our circumstance for their own ends.  But then perhaps I am too trusting.   Glad you enjoyed your day in London.  It is good to have a break now and then isn't it.  It is not good to think that we have to look after ourselves now though is it.  But it is just another thing that we just do on our own and I hope that we emerge the stronger for it.

Patricia, I hope your mood has improved somewhat, I am thinking that you are really going through a bad patch at the moment and wish I could help in some way.  That is the only thing about posting, we find great friends and people who really know how we feel, but we cannot give real hugs and just sit down with a cuppa (or something stronger of course).  So am sending you lots of cyber ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Well I am out tonight.  So it will not be the normal Friday of feeling fed up and Billy No Mates.  Am going down our local club with friends who we used to go with.  It will make a change, the only thing is, have to put on the brave face and act as if I am having a great time.  And am hoping that, in acting the part, will actually enjoy it.  It is so hard isn't it.  Not knowing how we are going to feel and how things are going to affect us.  And then it is the same old 'going home to an empty house' syndrom.  Still if I drink enough wine it might not bother me to much.

Well am going to make myself a nice cuppa now.  Bit too early for a Baileys and think I better refrain if I am going out drinking tonight. 

So I hope you all have a good evening and a good weekend

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you all

Love

Pammie xx

Hello everyone

I have been trying to keep up with all of yPaou but I do lose the plot sometimes.  I am glad you had a great time meeting in Liverpool.  One day I will surprise you all and get myself over the ocean.

Pam, I know exactly what you mean.  I go to work and really don't want to be there anymore but don't want to sit at home either.  I  feel that there is no purpose to my life right now.  I go to work and come home and take care off the animals and maybe the house but what is the point of it all.  I have been getting out more with friends and distracting myself but still at the end some days I think why bother.  I also am not down and am feeling ok, directionless.  Maybe and I hope that we will find reasons and hope some day. 

I do make plans, tonight the dog and I are going to a friend's to spend the night and ave a girlie night out.  I am going to Montreal with a friend I met at one of my grief groups, she has never been there and we will be 'tourists' in my home town, that will be different from my usual just visit family and for Easter I am going to Newfoundland, I just have to make the flight arrangements and will have to stay at a hotel by the airport as my BIL now does not have room for my car, he is taking the dog but I can't park so will have to do a park n fly.  I have always make arrangements for our travel, plans, etc.  But now it is so much harder to do it all alone. 

Sending lots of hugs to everyone

love Bren

Unknown said:

Pam, I know exactly what you mean.  I go to work and really don't want to be there anymore but don't want to sit at home either.  I  feel that there is no purpose to my life right now.  I go to work and come home and take care off the animals and maybe the house but what is the point of it all.  I have been getting out more with friends and distracting myself but still at the end some days I think why bother.  I also am not down and am feeling ok, directionless.  Maybe and I hope that we will find reasons and hope some day. 

I too can relate to this statement.

I lost my Mum who was my best friend (and still is really, in my heart :0) ) and I just feel like I've totally lost my direction in life.  Sigh.  I done everything with her.  I'm totally capable on my own, I look after my dogs and my house and I make lots of effort to do stuff without her, BUT things are just not the same.  I feel so lost and confused.  I miss her so much.  Nothing is as exciting and meaningful any more.  Life's lost its sparkle. 

I also hope that one day we can all find some purpose and some hope.

Sarah x

Well I feel exactly the same as all of you.  Ken died six months ago and I really feel there is no reason to go on anymore.  I too do the normal necessary things, look after the house, feed our two cats who I really love, as Ken did.  Ther really is no direction any more, all I want is to see Ken again, hold his hand, hold him and hear him say he loves me again.

Life will never be the same againl.  I wouldn't want the same life with anyone else, it was OUR LIFE,KENS AND MINE

Yep ditto here, no meaning what so ever...and absolutely pointless.

And its been 5 months and 3 weeks

 If one more person says to me, you just got to get back out there, I think I`ll throttle them

K

Evening everyone.  I hope each of you are having a good weekend.  I am calmer today than I was on Thursday evening.  It turned out that Friday was a significant date for me and I think that bothered me even before I realised it.  Anyway I have a bit of a plan now for the significant dates if I can't forget them so things should be a bit better.  Like so many of you have said in the last few posts - I am struggling with a direction right now.  I am bored in my job but I am not sure I have the confidence to do anything about it just yet.  Maybe like you say Pam - things will change a bit with the longer days coming round.

Pam I never even thought how barmy it sounds if I say I am going to paint my garage ceiling this weekend if you have missed the start of the story.  I will explain - last year I began a project that Chris & I planned together so that I could have a downstairs bathroom.  It involved changing the garage on the side of the house into a store room and a downstairs loo.  I completely emptied the garage and painted the walls and floor and put lots of new shelving in there.  The put everything I was keeping back in.  Then the utility room was turned into a downstairs loo.  The dividing wall has the special round window in it.  I had a door cut in the side of the house through to the garage to give access from the house to the new loo.  People have to enter the garage to get to the loo so it needs to look nice - hence painting the ceiling to finish it off.  Clear as mud no doubt but once the garage ceiling is painted I will be just about finished.  I hope I have cleared the confusion up.

Right I should maybe be thinking about bed so take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx