My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

It was good to meet up with you at the weekend Becky.  It is good to be able to put faces to names.  It was also good to meet up with all of you that were there at the weekend.  I went from being quite nervous on the trip up to feeling good about meeting all my new friends by the end of the weekend. 

It was a bit flat getting home on Sunday afternoon, but I suppose that is to be expected.  Went out shopping with my daughter yesterday and that went well.

Woke up this morning to the sun blazing through the window and had a good day.  Went round to see some good friends and it went well.  Then, bam!!!!, got home and my mood nosedived.  Back to wondering what the point of it is.  But I now have learned that this is just the roller coaster ride, with all the mood swings, so I know I am getting further through this as I just have to hang in there and my mood should swing back up again.  Whether for a few minutes or a few hours I do not know.  But I t feel I am getting able to deal with this better.  Yes there are still losts of tears, and yes there are still lots and lots of sad and distraught times, but when I look back I am sure I am stronger than when I started on this dark road.

The friends of mine who we used to holiday with have now arranged a week away in Grand Caneria in March, so I think it will be good to get some sun on my face.  It has been so long since we went on holiday.  I am both looking forward to it and dreading it, as it will be my first holiday away without Martin.  But I will go, and I am sure I will both love it and find it hard.  But the point is, I will go.  Which is something I would not have done a few months ago.

So is this the start of the healing process.  I know I am only on the first leg and it will take a long time to get to the point when I can look back with a smile and not just think of all the ill times and sad times. But through meeting all of you who are further down that road than me, I think I will get through one day and hopefully come out stronger.

So lots of thankfull (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) to you all and hope your evening goes as well as it can

Love

Pammie xx

Pammie I am glad you have had some happy times recently. However, I am also sorry that you are now having some 'down' time. I do hope that you soon feel a little less sad. At the moment I am not much use to anyone as regards being supportive but I am trying very hard. Get yourself into the middle of the penguin huddle and let the love surround you and keep you safe until you feel a little stronger.

Fiona, how are you?? not heard much from you lately. How is dad doing?

Lynne, how are things with dad? Glad to see you finally got your delivery lol.

Dot, sending you supportive (((((hugs)))))

Take care penguins. Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening ladies . Well it was lovely to meet 2 new penguins amd well done to Pam and Becky , it was such a brave thing to do on your own . When we first met in Newcastle it was first for us all so it didn't seem strange at all . We should have warned you about the "flat " feeling you get afterwards but it usually passes pretty quickly . Once again it was a lovely weeknd and thanks to Gayle for doing such a good job of organising it again .

Thanks for asking about my dad Patricia .He had some more work done in his mouth last week (12 more stitches ) so he's "down " again . How he keeps going i'll never Know and he insisted on driving me to the station on friday and picked me up on the sunday . bless him ..

Well as some of you have seen on F/B i have taken delivery of my new shower bath today and cant wait to have it fitted (next wed ) I also hed some one come and measure up for a new front door , i'm carrying on where i left of last year with the jobs that need doing round the house. 

My relationship with k  is going well but as with anything there is always problems (not from us but families ) well life is short as we all know so i'll be doing what i want and not what is expected of me .. ooaah  did i really  say that lol ..

 Anyway take care .

Hugs to all

 Lynne xxxx

Thanks for being my roomy Helen even though you did make all the mess lol xxx

Hello everyone,

I'm glad everyone enjoyed the weekend.  It was great fun meeting up with old and new penguins although a few were missed and we had a drink for you all.  What a tiring weekend though!  I don't think we stopped for a minute.  Becky, glad your day went well yesterday and it was lovely meeting you and that sounds good to get a week in the sun Pam.  It will be hard going on your own but I am sure you will enjoy some of it. 

Well my eye surgery went well yesterday.  It took no time at all and was a piece of cake (even though I was a bag of nerves!).  Hard doing it on your own though and coming back to an empty house with no-one to look after me but thats just the way it is now.  It was hard coming home as my eyes were very light sensitive so I couldn't open them so came home and went to bed for a few hours.  When I woke up it wasn't as bad but sat in the dark most of the night lol.  A lot better today but still very sensitive and very strange!  Amazing vision which I am not used to so I still can't get over how well I can see.  I had a checkup again this morning and I have better than 20:20 vision which is amazing.  Just need them to hurry up and heal.  I was still very queasy today but they say that can either be the trauma from yesterday or the medication, however its antibiotic and anti inflammatory drops so I don't see how they can make you sick when they go in your eye?  Anyway, back to work tomorrow although looking at the laptop tonight is a bit iffy so hopefully in the morning they will be less sensitive. 

Had to get my dad to take the dog to the vet today as her ear was all swollen and I thought she maybe had a wee infection, however it was blood as she has burst a blood vessel somewhere and it is seeping into her ear.  She may need an operation next week if it fills up again after they drained it today.  Worse though was that she has lost a lot of weight since she was last there and they are a bit concerned so will do blood tests next week.  She is a big dog so it isn't noticeable to me and she seems okay.  She is a pest and I moan about her as she drops hairs everywhere but of course I love her to bits so got a bit of a jolt when my mum phoned me to tell me.  She was Wully's dog and they adored each other so I know I will be devasted if anything happens to her.  We got her when we came back from honeymoon so she will be 10 in a couple of months so she is getting old.  Fingers crossed its nothing serious.

Anyway, off to catch up on FB and everywhere else I have missed over the past few days!

Gayle xxx

Evening everyone

Gayle glad your eye surgery went ok and with such fantastic results!!! Hope doggy is ok, my Jack is hanging in but can see he is 11 now xx

I really enjoyed the weekend too and meeting up with penguins old and new xx Lynne you were a great roomy too!! I must have made the mess as you just slept lol!!

Yes the flatness isnt the best when you get home, I still feel it. Nice when you see the photos and remember though.

Work is busy as ever, boss of this week so Im `boss` for a week. Oh dear lol!!! Got another couple of weeks then a weeks holiday. First week off since I started end of August!! Cant wait. My brother is coming to stay then G and I are off to the lakes for a couple of days.

Hope everyone is still swimming!! Big hugs

Helen xxxxx

Morning everyone.  Gayle I'm glad to read that your eye surgery went well on Monday.  The excellent eye sight almost tempts me to find out if I could have it done.  I have my fingers crossed for the test on your dog.  She is lovely and there should be lots of not so bad explanations for why she has lost weight.  I hope her ear is soon better.  Thank you again for organising us all for the weekend.  Becky well done with work yesterday.  It will probably be a while before you can relax about some of the symptoms you are presented with.  It was lovely to meet you at the weekend.  You & Pam did so well coming to Liverpool on your own.  Pam I think you have the right attitude to the holiday.  It is right to go and the sun will do you so much good.  It will be hard but it will be worth it.  It was so nice to meet you as well in Liverpool.  Even after so long I still feel very down when I come home from a meeting.  I wasn't great on Sunday or Monday evening but I am better today - it is well worth it to see everyone.  Helen - good luck with being 'boss' this week.  I'm sure you will be a lovely boss.  It will be nice for you to see your brother before you go to the Lakes.

I have special plans for a few weeks now.  Mostly routine until the first weekend in March when everything seems to come at once!  Isn't that always the way.

Good luck with the shower bath fitting Lynne - It will be lovely.  I need to go and look for a new fridge-freezer this week.  Best be getting ready for work so take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Good afternoon all,

Glad you are busy busy Lynne, bet you can't wait for the bath to be fitted.  Good on you for doing your own thing.  Don't worry what people think, if you think it is fine then that is all that counts. You deserve all the happiness you can get x.

Gayle glad your eye surgery went well and hope you are nearly back to normal now and hope your dog is improving.

Helen, bet you are looking forward to your couple of weeks holiday.  The Lakes sound good x.

Ailsa, I am like you I think, reasonably quiet Feb and then a very busy March.  I have my brother coming for the first week.  That will be good, I haven't told him yet all the jobs I have got lined up for him.  Don't want to scare him off xx.

Well my mood has improved since Monday and back to the old roller coaster ride.  But think I am dealing with it a bit better now.

The weekend really helped.  It was great meeting up with you all and am looking forward to the next time whenever that will be.  It was suprising learning that a lot of you also felt down when you got home.  I think that helped, just thinking that it was not just me and I was not unusual.

Patricia, I hope you are feeling in a better mood, you seem to be having a bit of a down time at the moment.  I do not think the weather helps, I think we will all feel a bit better when the sun is shining more. 

What a difference today from yesterday.  Lovely sunshine then and now a cold dull day.  Will be good when the clocks go forward and the days are a little lighter. 

Well wishing you all a good day and evening.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Pammie xx

good evening to you all

hope you are all doing ok at the moment.

Patricia I hope that your mood is starting to lift now, you have been so supportive to us accept a hug and know we care about you.

Pam I am glad that the initial low mood on monday has improved as the week goes on. I hated driving home on sunday, the closer I got to home the more I thought about no one being there to tell about my weekend and no one to be bothered if I got home ok. But like you that feeling settles (I won't say passes because it is true) and you start to get on with things again.

Gayle I hope the light sensitivity has improved and it is great to hear it has worked so well. I would love to have good eyesight back without glasses or lenses but my eyesight keeps getting worse every 2 years when I get them checked. I beleive you have to wait until your eyes are stable before you can have surgery.

Helen I hope the Lakes go well, its been a long time since I last went but it was beautiful as I remember it. some time away is always good.

Lynne, new bathroom, how nice. And do whatever makes you happy, we do know all too well that life is too short and you never know what tomorrow brings so enjoy yourself.

I have been working this week and it is very strange, it feels far to much like nothing has changed when I am there. Its when I leave that my real life hits home again.

I have been running outdoors today, first time outside the gym. Didn't go well, the cold air set my asthma off and I couldn't run far. But it has been so long since my asthma last played up i didn't know where my inhaler was! I had to search all around the house for it and eventually found it in a handbag I haven't used in over a year. Little worrying thinking who would be there to sort me out if it had been more serious. I have been lucky that I have not been ill on my own yet but I know it is only a matter of time, I imagine it is very lonely and scary.

I am going up to Hull this weekend to visit Marks tree and give him some flowers. I have to work monday and will be 120miles away so can't visit him on the day but i am sure it will be a horrible evening. I think those moonpig adverts need banning!! I have mute button finger!

Anway, big Hugs all round, keep swimming and take care.

Becky

Evening everyone.  Becky I hope you have a good trip to Hull this weekend.  I have a very quiet weekend planned but have an urge to make a couple of trips to see Chris over the weekend as well.  I'm going to paint the garage ceiling on Sunday.  It will take a couple of coats but I think the one will do for this weekend.  I promise I will get this job completed by the time a year since I started it comes round!  Things never took this long when there were 2 pairs of hands.  I don't think I will ever get used to how much longer everything takes without Chris.  He used to do loads before he started work each afternoon.

I had to go and buy a new fridge freezer today as the fridge is not working in mine and I think the freezer is struggling.  I know I sound pathetic but I feel quite proud of myself for going and buying it on my own!!  I need to get a grip I know!  I have never done anything like this on my own before though - married too long, too young.

Pam I am glad it helps to know that the rest of us feel down for a bit after me meet.  We commented on it the first time we all met up and now we just know it is going to happen.  I would never let it make me miss a chance to meet up with everyone though - far more to gain from the lovely company and a small price to pay.

Well I had better get something done.  Becky - keep that inhaler close please.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx