My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello Libby, Ginny, Terri-annie & Helen. I am so sorry to hear each of us are going through this dreadful time. Posting on here made me feel like my feelings of guilt are very normal. I hope that maybe we can offer each other a little support and a boost even if it is only from knowing that we do not have to grieve alone - there are people thinking about each of us. Like Helen I have gone back to work this week. It has been a very odd week. I feel like a freak. No-one knows what to say to me. I felt very sorry for one lady I know who saw me in the ladies and asked me how Chris was doing. She hadn't heard that he had died. I had to tell her and it knocked her for 6. Her husband is in remission from anal cancer (sqamous cell version). She didn't know what to say and then sent me an email later apologising again. It really wasn't her fault but I couldn't seem to settle her at all. I have been allowed to come and go as I want for now so I have come home at lunchtime or soon after each day. On Wednesday I was in a meeting for a couple of hours. I got completely absorbed in the discussion and then, after an hour and a half, I suddenly remembered that Chris had died. It was a bit like what happens when I wake up in the morning and remember he has died. It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. It left me feeling sick for the rest of the day. People ask me how I am doing and I have to be honest and say I don't know. I can't get enthusiastic about anything since I don't have Chris to share it with.
How has your first few days back at work gone Helen?
Ginny - Chris was angry too. He was angry about how unfair it all was but also that there is no research into more rare cancers. He didn't begrudge the work that gets done on other cancers but he wished there was more time spent on rare ones as well. In the end he was really only worried about what he was putting everyone through and how much upset he was going to cause me by dying. He hated the way it had destroyed his body making it impossible to climb stairs or even walk.

Terri-annie - Chris and I often commented on the fact that we were grateful for the chance to talk so openly and honestly in the last few weeks of his life. Like you, I am so grateful for that. I know Chris knew he was loved very much.

Libby - I have read through the paperwork I printed from the direct.gov website.
I understand what probate is now but also know that I don't need to get it as Chris left no estate. The mortgage protection paid the mortgage off but that doesn't count as 'estate'. A payment protection policy paid our loan off and that doesn't count as 'estate' either. Our house is jointly owned so although that counts as 'estate' in one sense it does not get used to pay debts. Unfortunately I would need to know more about you to offer any proper help. All I can say is that I found out that you need grant of probate if your partners estate is worth more than £5,000. Jointly owned possesions don't count or money in joint bank accounts. Is your problem because Paul had things in his name only? You may have to speak to a solicitor.

I am banging on a bit in this post so I will finish for now. Take care everyone and try to rest over the weekend. Ailsa xxx

Hello Libby. It sounds to me like you need to step back and let Paul's twin brother sort some things out for just as you suggest. If things were in Paul's name it can all be sorted out but it will take a little more time. I am sorry to hear that Paul's brother is not too well but I am sure he will be able to sort things out for you. You sound exhausted but you are doing really well taking care of your children. They are too young to understand. I realise now that I am fortunate that my 3 have grown up. Even then there are issues - I am in the house on my own and I feel so lonely. Tonight is the first night I have tried to relax and watch TV. Like you and Paul, Chris and I used to watch TV together. I hadn't noticed that I was avoiding watching TV until tonight. I just keep bursting into tears. I have been sitting on the sofa with a photo album looking at pictures and talking to Chris, telling him how much I miss him.

You will be strong Libby - mums always are! Mums are the strongest force in the universe. Forget all the paperwork for now and concentrate on you and the children. Get as much rest as you can. Being tired always makes things worse. You can be strong for Paul and for the children.

Take care. Ailsa x