My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Patricia, you go and book yourself that spa day, no one deserves it more than you do!  Although I would love to go with you too.  Alice's song sounds lovely.  Helen so glad you had such a good day and that is it my brain is full.

I did not rest on my day off.  Our school board has an electronic system where teachers and secretaries book through a web site when they are ill or going to be off for other reasons and it calls in supply teachers or secretaries for us.  So I had booked myself off early in the afternoon on Monday.  Could have cancelled it but decided I needed the time off.  Instead I ended up rearranging all the furniture in the living room. Still not sure that I like it but it is certainly different and no more fur balls under the couch!

It is really busy at work now, June is always so stressful, I will be glad to be finished for 8 weeks at the end of the month.   I am off to my retreat tomorrow morning so will take Max to Brantford which is a 40 min drive tonight and leave him there with a friend for the weekend. 

I am looking forward to meeting Teri sometime next week, she must be here in Cambridge by now and the sun has come out for her.

And Alfie, I don't have problems with dept stores as Dan hated to shop but grocery stores are so hard, seeing all the things I don't need to buy now and picking up my sad little order.  Hope your holiday is good for you. 

I finally got the proof of the plaque I want to put at the base of the tree I want to plant in Gaspe.  It just says his name, 'Riding with the Angels' and "Always in our hearts",  He drove a Harley Davidson motorcycle when we first met.  That was hard but I will be glad when it is finished and one more thing off my list.

hugs for all who need them today and all weekend

Hi Everyone,

Well, we are back home after a lovely relaxing few days in Menorca\1 The hotel was lovely, the resort was beautiful, the food was good...

We were only there 4 nights but it was still time to get into 'chill' mode - and to be honest, I think that H needed it more than me. We spent a lot of time talking, and as I suspected might happen, it looks as though when her exams are over the flood gates are going to open for her. Am going to arrange some time off work so that I can be around for her as much a possible over the summer holidays, she has said she is already thinking about how last summer was spent looking after her Dad - Miles had his lung biopsy on the first day of the school holidays.

Anyway I have lots of pages of posts to read and find out how you have all been - there was no wi-fi in the hotel - I have missed you all! Hope you are all ok, will be back later when I've caught up.

Much love, Manda. xx

Welcome back Manda. Glad you had a good time. I hope H gets through her exams before the 'storm' breaks.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning everyone.  I hope everyone is okay today.  My mum & dad came back from Scotland on Wdnesday so I spent last night with them hearing all about their holiday.  They had a great time but I got home just too late to catch up on everyones posts.  Sue - really well done to Alice in her show.  The song is beautiful and you are rightfully very proud of her.  Alan will be too.

Patricia I hope you go ahead and book your spa day.  I am thinking about doing the same with my daughters once Becky gets settled back up here.  Hope the shopping in Castleford was good.  I'm glad you slept well the other night but it is a pity about your back.  I had a lot of pain in my back after lifting Chris.  The physio help to cure the pain but I have painful stiffness in my lower back when I wake up.  Apparently mine is caused by sleeping very still.  I moved about a lot when Chris was in bed and now I don't.  Yet another stupid thing to remind me he isn't there.  I hope your back pain doesn't last long.

Helen your pamper day sounds like it was just what you needed.  So nice that Liam was round later as well.  Did you have a good time last night?  I struggle looking at photos with Chris in right now.  The music on the ipod is a great comfort and reminds me of my old life.  I need to find a way of going to watch more local bands.  It is hard to do on my own.  Becky will go with me when she moves back up.  Have you decided on a photo of Paul for your bedroom?  If the psychic suggested it it is worth a go.  Yes - garage again this weekend!!  I was building the shelves I got from IKEA yeasterday afternoon.  Today I am taking a day off it to go shopping and do the garden.  Tomorrow I am going to take the wall down in the garage ready for the new one.  The window people were out yesterday to measure up to change the plain glass for privacy glass.  I also arranged for the electric meter to be moved next Friday afternoon.  It is hard work talking to tradesmen as I don't know what I am talking about most of the time.  They are all being very helpful though.

Lynne I think your colleagues must be amazed by you.  You have had such a lot to deal with in the past 5 years and yet you still make everyone giggle with your antics and your smile.  Take care and look after yourself as you certainly brighten my day and your work mates will feel that even more.  I have been concerned about the 'old' or even 'new' Ailsa recently.  Just the same as you wander about you, I am wandering the same about where my 'me' is and when I might get to glimpse her.

Fiona how was your Granny day with little Charlie?  Lovely I'm sure.  With everything you have had going on in recent years you must also be struggling to remember you before you had people to be so concern about.  take care.

Bren you should be going on your retreat today.  Have a good time.  Well done moving the furniture around. The plaque for the tree sounds very fitting.  Enjoy your meet with Teri next week.  I can't wait to hear all about it from you both.

Welcome back Manda.  It sounds like the short break was really good for you & H.  I know you will but watch out for H.  I know how I was feeling about my vivid recollections leading up to May.  It will be hard for you and H is so young.  You will be there for each other and it sounds like you are geat friends.

I hope everyone else is good today.  Judi will be on her way to Greece with Boy by now.  Hi to everyone looking in.  Ailsa xx

Morning Ailsa and everyone else , yes Ailsa i know what you mean about talking to trades man , i've got a builder coming this afternoon and i hate it as i know i cant just have 1 estimate and this is just the start , oh well if i want the work done i've got to do it . Good luck with yours hun .. I'm gutted that i wont be able to make the shopping trip on the 26th , i'd forgotten that its the weekend my sister has a big outdoor music fest so i'd promised to help her but even that will bring back memories as last year Gordon was in hospital in his final few days so hoping just to keep busy and get through those last days . I know Gayle is going through the same thing now , Hugs to you hun xx Tomorow was also the last time Gordon left the house , dam these dates . I',m very busy today , first its a visit with dad , than its the shopping that daught er "booked 2 booked me for a few weeks ago , then hair cut at 2 , builder at 3 and i'm going to the dogs tonight so that will keep me busy i think .. Whats everybody else up too ?

Take care ..

 Lynne xxx

Morning everyone xxx

Welcome back Manda, cant wait until all the exams are over and I m not even doing them!!! Nat and Liam are both quite stressed so roll on 2 weeks time xx The storm has started here already with tears and tantrums. Keep wondering how Paul would deal with it all but it doesnt really matter does it so just got to get on with it and hope I m supporting them and doing the right thing by them.

I had a good night with friends last night, lots of people watching hee hee, favourite past time. So funny!! Was naughty and had a kebab on the way home lol.

Ailsa not chosen a photo yet, will have to have a look. I have got one that makes me feel like he is in the room with me and could just talk to him. Maybe that one xx

Lynne big hugs to you, you `re doing so well and like Ailsa said you keep us all smiling. Gordon will be so proud of you xxx And Gayle too, how are you this weekend xxx

Might be shopping with Nat later after she s done some revision. She still needs some shoes for Prom. Then quiet night in watching Britains Got Talent final. Back to work on Monday, got busy week with few nights out for my birthday and looks like it will last couple of weekends too with different treats planned!!! Hopefully better than my birthday last year.

Speak later

Helen xxx

Hi all

Sorry its taken so long to reply from my last message.Ive been away for half term with the kids to my sil .

It was good advice from all of you and will deffinately take things slowly with the girl i like.

IAnyway weve all had a good time in kent and i shall sleep well after getting stuck on the m25 for 2 hours

I hope you are all well

Thanks Dave xx

Welcome back Dave, I am pleased that you have had a good time with the boys. Take care of yourself and remember to do what you think is right for you too.

Ailsa, Lynne, Helen you all sounded as though you were going to have a busy time today. I do hope that you have not all worn yourselves out.

Manda, Lesley, Gayle, Fiona and everyone else I have not mentioned I hope the day has been kind to you.

I spent the day with my sister. I think she is looking out for me. Fot the first time in a long time I actually spent some time sitting out in the sun but did the 'slip, slap, slop routine.I am not given to just sitting in the sun because I find I get a headache.

It is wonderful here at the moment (not). One of my neighbours is playing their music so loud that my head is pounding. All I can hear is the base beat. Going to go out shortly to get away from it.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hello all, sorry not been on for a while, going through a strange time where the words don't want to flow at all, think it's the upheaval and more change with Sam moving out and finding myself as so many of you have, here on my own.  It has been good in some ways though and given me some time to myself that I just haven't had for a very long time, also time to allow some of the grief out that has been kept inside so as not to upset the kids.  Anyway I am finding my way through and have been trying to keep up with you all every now and then, but do think of you all every day and as the sunsets over the ledge.  I was going to write a long catch up tonight but first Daniel arrived, which was lovely, and then my two sisters turned up not long after Dan had gone home (and then to work at 9 o'clock) just as I had started up the computer etc so off to bed now and will try again tomorrow.  In brief though big hugs to Gayle and Lynne and all you others with difficult dates hitting you right now, also love and hugs to you all anyway as it's not just dates that can hit you is it, oh and Patricia get that spa day booked they are a wonderful treat and not half as scary as some people think they will be.  Hopefully Judi is on her Greek Island by now and relaxing, or watching the sun go down with a cool drink in her hand.  Night night for now, lots of love xxxxx

Morning all

Sorry have not been on, can't remember if I said I was going away or not! Anyway just back from holiday with R&D and baby Dan. I had a lovely time, very different from the holidays we shared with Colin, he was missed so much and I had to adapt a lot. Obviously different too as pace very much slower with a baby! Anyway gave me lots of time to swim in our private pool and walk. The weather was great for the latter part of the week too.

I have not read back over the posts but I caught that Teri has gone off to Canada to meet Bren? Wow, fantastic, well done to you Teri, hope you have a wonderful time.

I should hear officially that my job is at risk on Wednesday, still not stressed about it! More stressed that I have to pretend to care for the next 6 weeks!

My mood is still good and has been now for the last month! Long may it continue! No tears for weeks, well only once but for a different reason entirely! Feel like I am finding my new self, don't get me wrong loved being the old me but can't be that person anymore as part of me does not exsist, Colin. So having fun finding the new me, sometimes scarey but mostly having fun and spending much time reflecting. Have made so many new friends and am getting out much more, can't wait for the Manchester meet later this month.  I suppose the one thing I do still find difficult is actually sitting in my front room all alone, I try but have to get up after a few minutes and do something, feels wrong and lonely. Yet am OK in the bedroom, strange isn't it?

Anyway back to work tomorrow. Starting dance aerobics on Mondays and Pilates on Thursdays, can still fit in swimming around these activities, busy, busy!

Hugs to you all xxxxxx  especially anyone who is feeling down  xx