Re-imagining the future?

Hi!

It's been almost two years since I lost my husband. Since then I have been trying to work on self improvement (trying to make myself a better person). I have gone back to the gym we used to do that together and when he got ill I just stopped going for those two years he was ill. When I went back the girls on the desk were so pleased to see me again and one said to me `you've did the hard part and got through the front door now we just need to sign you up for membership` it's a council run gym so because I am over 60 now I get a concession so doesn't cost much for me. When Jay (my husband) was here he was a proper `foodie` and loved to cook he always followed the celebrity chefs on TV what they were doing. For him it wasn't just throwing something in a pot or in the frying pan or oven this sauce and those spices had to be added before hand but the stuff he made was just delicious and he would make enough for an army even though it was only the two of us so in one way my waistline has seen the benefit you could say. These days I just make a ready meal for myself or just make something that's quick and simple.  I am a natural introvert and am happy in my own company so staying home a lot doesn't really bother me that much. Jay was quite a private person too so think we were both suited. It is a shock to the system when someone who was at your side for 40 odd years is now longer there. It's two years this coming month (June) since he passed but there are times I just still can't get my head around it that he is actually gone. There are still days I don't want to go out anywhere or see anyone but I just call these my `F**k It` days/weeks and then like unwelcome visitors they leave and I can try to push forward with things. I have gone back to driving too it was one of his last wishes that I go back to it again to have my independence. For a number of years I was unable to drive because of ill health so I went back to my GP and she gave me the all clear to go back to it again and I am building confidence with it all the time now. I really can't plan for the future just now so I don't really know what I will be doing in 5 or 15 years. I do know though at the end of this year I will be becoming a grandmother for the 2nd time. My son and daughter in law live not far from me with my little granddaughter and I look after her a lot just now. My son and daughter in law got married in February this year and it was a lovely day but just that bit bittersweet that his dad wasn't there but then my daughter in law lost her mother last year too to stomach cancer so they both had a parent missing on their special day. So a new grandchild due at the end of this year gives me something to look forward to. I am also looking after my sister. She has mild learning difficulties and has also had two cancer diagnosis of which she has come through. She however, is currently waiting on replacement valve surgery for her heart. This was picked up at one of her cancer check ups. Keeps me going too. Well my best wishes to you moving forwards. Take Care.

Vicky

Thank you for your response, Vicky. I love that you've gone back to the gym and also started driving again to give yourself more independence. Similarly, I have simplified my meals so that I don't make too much food and/or have to spend hours cleaning up after myself. Congrats on the upcoming new grandchild!

Hi there, it is ten months since my husband passed. As we know, grief is not a linear process as it ebbs and flows. I tend to work around it when I can. Recently, I have decided that it will take time for me to find new interests/hobbies that are of genuine value. So far, I have made an active effort to make new friends of different ages. Three so far. This is stimulating, as they have different life experiences, and this reduces stagnation. I like my projects, so the garage is next. I will repaint it, and learn to use all of the tools my husband has. I am also pushing myself to go on a mini-break to Benidorm with a close girl friend. It wouldn’t be my first choice, but I have an open mind. I enjoy reading, I go to the local library and I am back into serious reading, some fictional, some therapy based. I have decided that I would like to learn how to maintain the car. I have a spare bedroom, so I am thinking about using it as a second living room. This will include music, art and whatever else I come up with. I do get out and about a lot, and luckily our adult children are still at home. We also have our border collie, Jack. He loves his beach walks. The truth is, as my darling isn’t here, I need to find ways of living for myself. All the things we did together are gone. It is savage, and at times I still find it surreal. Travel is another area to further explore, as we did a lot together and that was a wonderful experience for us all. Sorry for my ramblings. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Kate, I had to read your reply several times in order to grasp all of the things you are doing. Sounds like you are thoughtful and focused on how you spend your time. I also like your perspective on taking your time to find new hobbies and interests that you value. Sometimes, I feel like I am rushing my next stages as I navigate the grief and sadness.

Making new friends is hard...at least for me. Prior to my wife getting sick, my sole focus had been on her and our kids. I didn't have a desire to meet new people and establish new friendships. Now, it's difficult to be alone but online forums like this one help me to put things in perspective and give myself grace.

I also enjoy travel and intend to do more of it in the future. I did take a week-long trip a few weeks ago. It was the first trip I had ever taken on my own. It was difficult but relaxing and gave me time to do some thinking and planning.

My best to you going forward.. 

Hi there, thank you for your kind comments. Giving yourself grace, is a gift to yourself. Unfortunately, we can*t outrun the pain by staying busy. I have acceptance, and decided my approach would be to just go with it. I refused to repress my emotions, as I thought it would do more damage long term. I am feeling emotional now, as I have had a full day. Night time and early mornings are the hardest. Time for a read, I think. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Hello Kate. 

Yours sounds so much like my home. I live in a 2 bed flat. The spare room which was my son's I turned into a little `sitting room` I have a TV in there and a sofa bed Jay and I did that when our son moved out so if someone wants to stay over I can pull the sofa bed down for them. Its usually my sister that stays over with me on occasions. If she needs to go anywhere like hospital appointments or similar and they are early in the morning she stays over with me the night before and we go there together she usually ends up staying a few days but it doesn't bother me its company if nothing else. I couldn't have her stay permanently with me I have sort of started to like my own space now and as a natural introvert the the solace appeals to me. Yes lots I still want to do and as you say try to look at living for myself still hard to grasp at times that the old life I had with Jay is now gone but sometimes its hard to know if what you want to do is the right thing to do. I'll keep trying to find what's the best way forward and no doubt I'll know when I do. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Yes Solocat!

That is the beauty of `ready meals` you just bin the container when finished- no dishes to wash and with takeaways too. I do cook for myself but as I said it will just be something quick and not as `messy` as what Jay used to make he was good at making the stuff but as with the mess and the amount of dishes to wash not so. I have a routine that I cook Sunday-Thursday be it a ready meal or making it myself and then on a Friday evening my granddaughter stays over and we have a McDonalds and I will get myself something in on a Saturday. What I make for myself does and is just enough. 

I thought that was just me, with ready meals. Eating them out of the container, to save on washing-up. 

Ha! ha! 

No don't think you're alone there. Everyone does. More convenient I believe also its been known some also use paper plates but I don't go that far

I too have no idea yet 3 weeks on Tuesday. Woke up with silly tears then settled down tonight lay down and tears come again. I of course have said goodnight to my husband who isn’t here cuddled up to his pillow even collecting his ashes I found actually comforting in a way as I’ve bought him back home he was in the lounge now he’s in the bedroom until I decide to scatter some.

Had two phone calls today from family and tried to hold it together but just some things start you off. Eating alone is not enjoyable I just scoff something but I did try a well know food delivery brand beginning with g I would never have done this before it was a gift my husband hadn’t used and I have to say the meals I’ve done so far I cook for two and freeze a meal have all been pretty decent and varied and away from what I would normally have cooked. Even going shopping the other day was So hard all the bits that my husband used to like and enjoy so this food parcel box has been great I will do it again in a month I think you order your food everything comes with it even a garlic bulb so you don’t have to even think much .

ive been keeping busy living in a one bedroom first floor flat I have nearly decorated the hallway before I have to return to work next week. All I could say is get stuck into something that you’ve been putting off or haven’t had the chance to do this may help in the meantime.