Everyone’s support troubles thoughts and honesty it does help you know it’s not just you feeling so low…

Quite often he just listened to me waffling on, nodding in the right places occasionally

That made me smile.
My beautiful Valen would be cooking away with me waffling on about my day at work (he worked from home since lockdown). 
Nodding but not commenting. 
Then I’d say something huffy like “well if your not interested”. 
And he would repeat back verbatim what I’d said

And the looking at photos. 
I smile at his smiling face. Remembering the occasion captured.  
Then cry at the thought of no more photos. 
But I’m so glad that I can look at them, even if I cry. 
They are all happy, full of joy, living life to its fullest pictures. 
They remind me of our amazing, albeit far far to brief, time together. 

It’s so bittersweet isn’t it.

I had a long chat with my brother earlier. 
I was on my way home and called him saying “I don’t want to go home. Valen’s not there. I really don’t want to go home”. 
And we talked about the irony that I am now doing something I really am enjoying. With a lovely walk to and from it. 
Which is only possible because of Valen’s financial savvyness.
But I’d rather be doing my old job that I grew to hate in a location I hated with a bus journey I hated. 
But Valen would so love what I’m doing now.
I talk to him about my day. 
My brother said “And you get the same initial response as before. I bet you see in your mind him in the kitchen nodding but seemingly not paying attention!” 
So I got home and told Valen about my day.

My darling Paul was also a good listener. We would sit out on the decking enjoying the garden and having a coffee. We would then discuss one of my “Project's”. This usually involved clearing the garage, decorating or something else that seemed important to me at the time. I had already made a list of the required actions, and the goal was to break down whose responsibility it was to actually do the chore. He had the patience of a saint, and indulged my little hobby. We spent a lot of time laughing, and him trying to get out of doing stuff. It is coming up to eleven month’s now, and yesterday I had a really difficult day. Lots of sobbing and really intense memories. I cried myself to sleep. I know it will lift again, but now I just need to sit quietly and gently think of our love. Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

I don’t know if it’s the weather, but I’m definitely feeling extra tearful. 
My beautiful Valen would have loved this sun. 
His little knobbly knees and Hobbit toes would be aired all day. 
I would roll my eyes at his insistence on hats and suncream - but would follow his advice. 
He would make huge amazing salads with his own dressing concoctions. 

People are saying “everything will look better with the sun”. 
Well, No. It doesn’t. But I nod along like a Stepford Wife that I’ve become with that smile painted on.

For the first time in my adult life I’m going to play hookey today. 
I know it’s volunteering and what I’m doing doesn’t affect the front of house, but I just don’t feel like going in. (Though I bet at 9 I do go )

Goodmorning I did get some sleep I’m just getting another cuppa before I get ready to face another day and head to work for 9.30.

We can get through today I know we will all struggle our way through it - the routine and normality of life has gone. 

I know what I’m aiming to do for tonight’s tea two quick sauce pans of ready made pasta sauce and a cheese and tomato stuffed pasta. 

if I can get though a day without tears that would be a start but already reading your posts I’ve had a few brief moments.

Hope you all have a better day today.  

22 weeks today, I lost the light in my life. Sue always listened to me,sometimes I can see her,eyes rolling, but she was always there for me as hopefully I was for her.

I thought I had got away with the nightmare last night, but I am afraid not woke up at the time screaming and crying. So now I will be spending the day alone again. Having been told by the friend,who had told me they were coming up this month to see me,they are not. So that's nobody up to see me,since Sue's funeral in February.  I was hurt but to be honest I expected it. I didn't think I was a bad person, we always tried to help people out and travelled to see them at a drop of a hat if they needed us. This one person we helped him out massively, when he got divorced. I know people move on etc. I just feel one act of kindness could help, as I feel like I am going backwards. So I am still a member of the pariah club.

You are not a bad person, you are suffering. People can be so bloody selfish. I have learnt that some people are “Just not available”. They don’t want to feel uncomfortable, or they just don’t care enough. I was due to go out last night, but decided not to. I needed to be at home. Sometimes, my emotions are so intense that I can’t control them. I am meant to be going to a birthday meal tonight, I can’t think of anything worse. I may force myself. I can get the bus, and come home when I want to. Sending hugs from The Pariah Club. 

Thank you. If you go to your birthday meal out, I hope you have an ok time.

Thank you. There is also a garden party in our village. I might pop in for a bit on my way to the bus stop. I literally go with how I am feeling on the day. If I am not feeling it, I will be home very early. Kate. Xxx

I am just, tentatively, dipping my toes into the go with the flow way. 
I spent some hours last night debating whether I would go to my “job” (volunteer) today. 
My brother, after he convinced me that I could come home and not to get on a bus to the train station and get a train to anywheresville and bugger off, said “why are you making that decision now? Make it at 9 tomorrow morning”. 
So I did and decided to “skive” off. 
And it’s been good.

Very hot and humid here. 
So another go with the flow was to strip down to bra and kecks to do the gardening and stuck my feet in the water in the bird bath I just cleaned

I have culled lots of “friends”. And indeed some family.
They who ghosted me I now ghost. 
So those who now it’s lovely hot weather and would like to come and stay with me, to “spend some quality time” with me, here on the seaside just a 10 min walk to the sea but didn’t want to in the winter……I have ignored.

Ha haaaaaaaaa. That is so funny. Good for you. Where do you live ? Perhaps, The Pariah Club can come and visit.. I’m only joking. Xxx