My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning everyone,

Ailsa, sorry to hear you weren't feeling well yesterday but glad after a wee nap it seemed to be back to normal.  Your counselling sounds very good for you and I'm glad you are finding it so useful.  I know what you mean about talking to friends - I think some people think we should have moved on because its been nearly a year.  People that haven't walked in our shoes and all that.  I can't believe you step for an hour!  You will be giving Helen a run for her money.  I have two tattoos that I got done in my early twenties and to be honest they are not sore but you get worked out about going beforehand.  I went to get another 2 last week and the place was shut so didn't want to go this week as they wouldn't have been healed for my holiday and I wouldn't have been able to go swimming.  I will wait until I get back.  I'm getting a star (as I have a star named after Wully) and a music note on my foot (when I work myself up to it again!).

I was talking to my friend Colin last night before bed and he knows about you all of course and he has said I can hire him out for cuddles lol. He is available to anyone who needs him whilst I am on holiday.

Well I am off to get a shower and get the boys organised.  They are so excited about their holiday and must admit I am starting to look forward to it myself.  Will be good to get a break.  Take care everyone and will speak to you all when I get back and I promise I will take pics.

Gayle xxx

enjoy, gayle - go carefully

Sue xx

Morning!!

Yes Gayle I  got the drunken text off Lynne, she is such a sweetie xxx think she s suffering this morning x

Gayle have a lovely holiday, glad you re looking forward to it x

Lesley big hugs, good on you for making your lovely food. It is lonely and I dont know when we ll get used to it, I spent a nice afternoon with friends but like you say not the same. Gayle I like the sound of your rugby player friend`s hugs, I ll borrow him too while you re away lol. A friend of Paul`s gives great hugs, he is 6ft plus tall and quite wide lol. Great hugs though!!

Ailsa so sorry to hear you were feeling poorly, glad you re bit better xx

Oh I didnt win on National, Liam and Nat got 4th. My horse wouldnt even start the race LOL!!!

Not much planned here today, need to do some ironing and might get out in the garden this affy. Back to work tomorrow

Have a good Sunday everyone

Helen xxx

Meant to tell you about my dream. Quite clear last night. It was bit intimate so obviously wont go into details lol but Paul had come back as if he had just been away and I was telling him things that had happened while he d been gone. I knew he had still died but he had come back and was well again. Very odd but nice xxx

Agh i've just done a long post and lost it aghgh so now i'll have to be quick . Sorry to the reciprients of my drunken texts but i did mean it lol . I'm off to my sons for lunch thank goodness , i'm not up to it today and we have to leave quite early for dancing on ice , cant wait ... I've just put a video on F/B of dad playing with the little 1#s this morning , he still wears a face mask as he still has his stiches in , hopefully be the end of the week he might be able to leave it off .. Helen what a lovely dream , i still have had only 1 dream about Gordon and i would love more .. I'll try and get on again after lunch , hope everybody is ok

 xxxLynne xxxx.

 Cant believe i lost my dam post xx

Me again , i meant to say earlier , last night whilst i was out with my sisters (yes hard to believe i went out) i bought the subject up with my eldest sister who has a pub that i would like to do some kind of memorial evening for Gordons sadaversay and she was all for doing it in her pub nad before we knew it we'd got so much planned (think the wine helped lol ) so on the 3rd July she is having a charite day in aid of Prostate cancer . We'veasked my neice (who sings in a duo) to sing a night , another neice does face painting so weare getting things under way now . At least it has given me something else to focus on rather than the 1st July . It wont be on the scale of Helens but hopefully we'll make some money and it will get all the family and Gordons family together again .. Anyway i'm now going to try and recover from last night .. never never ever again xxxx

Lynne that sounds great!!! It has helped me so much having something to focus on and actually making something good come out of all the sadness xx

I must admit I am starting to think about the year coming up quickly bit like everything else we ve done we all know the lead up is usually worse than the actual day xx Will need to keep busy over the next 3 weeks xx

Hope you re feeling better for your night out, I dont feel too bad today but Liam has been laughing at me, apparently he came into my room when I d gone to bed and didnt get much sense out of me lol I was asleep I told him!!! Just feel tired and bit flat today. Half way through doing the garden, it is lovely out there so back to the sunshine I think!!

Helen xxx

Hello everyone, it seems like lots of you are having a difficult time at the moment sooo here are some extra special angel hugs for you. It is difficult when you are coming up to special dates isn't it?

Lynne, I hope dad feels better soon and good luck with the fund raiser.

Helen, glad your fundraising event is well under way. How lovely that the researchers are hoping to attend.

Rosemary, I understand what you mean about your prospective son in law. My youngest is in a relationshipo with a girl who I think is totally wrong for him but I have to accept his choice. I hope that Sam and her love(sorry forgot his name) make a go of things and are happy.

Teri, how sad that there is a family rift when a new baby should be bringing happiness. Hopefully thinbgs will settle down and be sorted in the not too distant future. (((((hugs))))) for you and your son.

Lesley, lone meals are not the best and I think you don't get used to them you just come to accept them. I sometimes can't be bothered to eat when I am on my own but know that I need to eat sometime. At the moment I am eating my way through the freezer.(not the actual freezer, the food  I have put into the freezer lol).

Gayle, enjoy your holiday with the boys. I hope you manage to come homne feeling a little more refreshed.

Sue, how are you going on with your mum, has she managed any more mishaps whilst she has been with you? Are you doing ok yourself?

Ailsa, I am pleased to hear that you are finding your councelling sessions helpful. Please always remember that I am just on the other end of the phone if you need to talk. NEVER be afraid of upsetting me because you could never do that. The only person who upsets me is myself. You have my number hun.Don't let yourself get to the point where you feel you are going to explode it isn't good for you (((hugs))).

Dave, special hugs for you around this time. I am hoping that you and the boys are managing to gert through these early days without too much trauma but know that this is probably nigh on impossible.

Dottee, poor you. Fancy having to be looked after. I hope you feel better soon.

Judi, I do hope your neighbour was understanding and has not blamed you for the demise of the guinee pig.

Manda, are you ok?

I hope Fiona manages to get internet access soon. I know know much it means to her.

Well, as you can all see, I am back in jolly old England.

The journey home was inbteresting. First we got on the airport train. We were lucky and we got a seat. Hmmmm....... next stop the train filled up and we were packed in like sardines for an hour and a half. aaarrrggghhhh.......

Next we were queuing for the check in and stuffing ourselves with the strawberries we had intended to eat on the train but not had chance due to us being parted. When we got to the desk we had the youngest person ever (looked about 12) to check us in. It took forever and the whole queue behind us cleared before we were sorted.  Got through passport control and baggaqge control with no problem. Flight took off and was fine. First meal arrived. Mine was fine but they had Jennifer down as Vegan and brought hert some weird concoction that she was just about able to eat. The entertainment system was not working for the first couple of hours. They hagd some sort of problem with it. When they got it working, I watched the film 'Hoffa' with Jack Nicholson. and the the film 'Up' a cartoon film about an old man who goes on an adventure after his wife died. A sweet little film but it made me cry because I could see mnyself in that man with the things he was doing. i.e talking to his wife's picture. Hanging on to her things. trying to fulfil promises he made to her. (anyone see themselves here?).

The next meal Jennifer was offered was inedible  looking so she asked if she could the same meal I had as it was vegetarian pasta. Much more enjoyable. We played backgammon and Jennifer absolutely  wiped the floor with me. Landing was uneventful. When we eventually got off the plane and got through passport control, it was almost time to board the next plane. Hmmm...... baggage check.... Jennifer was frisked and said she felt like she had been violated the way the woman 'touched' her in personal areas. So unecessary. This plane was so tiny after the long haul one and I banged my head on the overhead lockers and nearly knocked myself out. (Well they were a lot lowert than the previous ones). Another meal. Yukk. What on earth was it???? Didn't eat it anyway.  Time going well. Flight fine. Started descent. Pilot asked crew to take their seats for landing. THEN the plane started to go UP!!!!  What on earth??? It appeared that the runbway was not clkear so we had to circle for ten minutes. I felt veryu sick and so did Jenn ifer and she went green. My ear was hurting to the point where I was nearly in tears. The landing was horrible and if it was the first flight I had ever been on I don';t thinbk I would ever want to fly again.  Safely through passport control. Baggage reclaimned. Taxi home.

Eventually got to mine at 9.30p.mFriday . Bed by 10.30p.m. Stayed in bed until 6am Sunday.  THE END.

Hopefully  back to normality now.   Tried my car but it appears that the back wheel is jammed. Will call RAC tomorrow to see if they can get me started but doubting it. Oh well more expense.

Take care all and thank you for reading my rubbish reports. You will be glad to know it is over lol Although I will probably let you know what the bride and groom thought of their honeymoon destiantion when I find out.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

p.s. I am sooooo glad to be home.

p.s. I have not had a lot of time to think whilst I have been away. Now I am here alone with TOO much time to think. Can't win.

Patricia,

So glad that you are back safely; thanks for your fab posts, I think we all felt that we were with you!

WELCOME BACK !!!!

sue xx