My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

oh, Lesley, i could have written the same thing!  Like you, my home is my comfort zone, and I can't be away from it for too long or the panic sets in.

at the school where i teach we are facing lots of changes. i love being there; the staff aare fab and have been hugely supportive over the last year and a half. Alan was a governor there for 12 years and also did a lot of voluntary work there.   we have a new multi-million pound school to move into in september, complete with indoor swimmimg pool. However, we are also faced with drastically falling numbers to the extent that one teacher and one teaching assistant will be made redundant in july, and it could well be me.   i just don't know what I'll do if that happens; my youngest daughter is still at uni, and there are no teaching jobs available locally as everyone is in the same situation. I might even have to sell my home, which is the last thing that I want to do, but it may be necessary.

at least it might force me to move on, literally as well as emotionally!

Enjoy your night with Dan

sue xx

Evening All,   Well i had a down day yesterday as well don't know what it was really that triggered it off. Just glad i was working today, we were not that busy as weather was terrible this morning but dried up this afternoon. I have kept busy tonight just finished ironing. Gayle i hope you do enjoy your holiday as you do deserve a rest as you are a very busy lady. Darren got another interview tomorrow he is still waiting to hear from his interview he had last week, so hopefully he will be lucky and get one of them. Helen i hope you have a nice time away with Nat. Just wish this weather would get a bit better then i could get out walking at night now the light nights here. Lynne i hope your dad gets on ok tomorrow. Judi glad you liked your card. Hope everyone else doing ok and i send hugs to you all. i am going to watch the end of Frost then bed as not sleeping any better. Fiona xxxxxxxxxxx    

Hi Lesley,   I have just read your post and i feel just the same as you, it has brought tears, and as you say we have our family but they have there lives to get on with, i had over 30yrs with Derek as well and they were happy years. Charlie has made a big differance to me just like Daniel has for you. Big hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx   

Hi everyone

Well it seems that in fact so many of us are in a similar place doesn't it.  I still have concerns about letting you guys know when I have a real 'down' time, not because I don't know that absolutely you will be there in a flash proping me up, but because I am so aware that it is nearly eighteen months now and I really want to be able to tell you that it does get better and easier all the time.  And it does to a degree, honestly - it is just that when it hits, it really hits.  But you do get more adept at picking yourself up again, really.   

Gayle my wee gem, I totally understand your concerns about the holiday - I know that last year when I went away with three friends I came back very unsettled and had Boy not made his suggestion for this year I would have avoided holidaying totally if I could have got away with it.  I think that the only way to look at this trip is to try and see it in another way.  Don't look at it as 'I'm going on holiday with the boys' because truth be told it will just now it won't live up to holidays with Wully.  Maybe if you can get your head around looking at it as a 'different' week' and thinking of the parts that will be of benefit to you - some sunshine, the boys swimming, some nice meals etc. instead of looking at it as a whole week that should by rights be the best week of the year, just look at it as some individual moments that will definitely be good.  In each situation just aim for the 'best scenario possible' and that includes evenings and drinks.  If you think it is going in that direction then gently remove yourself and the boys from the situation - yes, it maybe isn't the way you would necessarily like to spend that evening, but it might be the least stressful way of spending those particular hours.  Then the next day start afresh.  I know what I am trying to say ..... but as usual I don't think I am explaining it very well.  Just know that texts can still be sent and received from Tenerife hun xxxxxx

Fiona and Lesely, what a lovely way you have of explaining yourself.  I wish I could get the jumbled up words out of my head as well as you do.  I don't actually have a problem with the idea of spending the rest of my life myself, in fact at the moment I feel it is the only course for me, maybe it is because I still can't see me as a whole person yet, still just a half a one - maybe that is my problem!  Fingers crossed that Darren gets some good news Fiona, he certainly is doing his best isn't he.  Am very glad that the UnGrateful One has learnt some manners Lesley!

Sue, I can't imagine coping with all that uncertainty going on around you - outside forces appearing to be the decision makers.  I know that I have finally admitted that maybe moving is something I should be considering and Lynne is certainly thinking that way, but I am so sorry that this is a possibility of happening 'to you' rather than you being able to choose this path.  I have my fingers crossed that you will have a definite say in what will happen.   Sometimes I think you sound like me,  I feel that if Aliens landed tomorrow and asked me "What are you?" before I would answer, 'human' or 'a woman' or 'Judi' I would instinctively answer "I am without Ed" because that is first and foremost thing I feel.  Okay, now it does look as if I am losing the plot ......... I'm not, honestly!!

Ailsa, how lovely that you were able to go through all those notions that rattle around in our heads with Bex, excuse me if I am being presumptious, but it sounds as if she is really a lot more 'at ease' with herself than a few months ago, and if that is the case I am so glad.  Still no mention of the 'cunning plan' madam??  Dottee - I saw it was your wedding anniversary, so rubies plus one for you and Alan.  I love your bluebell calendar!  What a lovely way to always have mum pop in your head. 

Lynne - everything okay with you? Special hugs for our honorary senior penguin (no, not you daftie, your dad).  Helen I hope that you and Nat are enjoying Warwick, have some girlie time and spoil yourselves.  Rsoemary - I can only assume that you are lying down in a darkened room somewhere with a damp flannel on your head just resting from the action going on your way. Dare I ask if Daniel cut the grass ........??

Well I am absolutely certain that yet again I have used up more than my alloted words on here for today so will say ta ta for now.  And loads of love to you all.

Judes xxxxx 

Hi Folks.
I know I don't often bother you by writing my moans and groans down but I need to today. I am having MIL,  ( me being the prospective MIL)problems and  they don't get married until the end of the month. I don't know what I have done cos she won't speak about it. Apparently I told her that I was at the hospital the day Murray was born because my son asked to to go as he was looking for moral support. and that insulted her mother who did not turn up until 2 hours after her 1st grandchild was born. Is it me am I going mad I don't think I have done anything. We normally get on really well and we were fine last week but this allegedly happened on the 22nd March. I have been in tears all week my son said he is canceling the wedding because if she can come into the house (my house) and stand by the pram as if I was going to harm the baby then she will not be welcome. I just had a text from my daughter to say that Joni is going home again tomorrow, So I don't know where that leave me I don't get to see Murray as she told him he can't take him out because she is feeding him. So I am heartbroken all over again. Sorry I better go got myself in  tears again
Love Teri

Hello everyone.  I have left it so late to post again.  As I have the house to myself again I will have a chance to come on earlier tomorrow.  Lesley I think you are particularly good at writing down here what you are feeling.  I agree with what you say but still have such a problem with what happens next.  I just can't seem to get my head round what a future without Chris might look like.  Yet I am racked with guilt at the idea I might waste my life moping around and hiding in my house.  A good friend has been round this evening and said I should not be so hard on myself as it is still early days and so I do not need to worry about the future yet - I hope she is right.

Gayle it can be very difficult going on holiday with parents at the best of times.  Chris & I had a hard work holiday with parents not so many years ago.  I don't have any words of wisdom but because you have already acknowledged that there are somethings you need to watch out for I am sure you will be okay.  It sounds like you really need the rest after working so hard so maybe a couple of early nights won't hurt.  Good luck with it all and I like Judi's suggestion that you try to enjoy each day in isolation and then go on to enjoy the next day.

Sue I really hope everything turns out okay for you at work and that you don't have to move if you don't want to.  I've done the redundancy think 3 times recently and got away with it each time.  However I don't think I would have to move even if it did. ((((((hugs))))))

Helen, enjoy your trip away to Warwick with Nat.  Dot thanks for the date to remember for the bluebells - it is a lovely way that you remember your Mum & the dates.

Fiona I have been watching Frost as well this evening.  I hope you are okay.

Judi, Becky is a whole lot better than she was a few months agao.  She has always been a very strong person which made the problems a few months ago such a shock.  She seems more aware that things can go wrong now but seems much more her old self.  She is very possibly going to be moving back up here in the next few months and I think that prospect has made her feel very happy right now.  It has come a bit out of the blue.  I never thought she would move north again but looks like I was wrong.  It will be great to have them both close again.  As for my cunning plan to see Rosemary - it is something Becky pointed out.  Now that I have some time again I will send Rosemary a message tomorrow and see if I can make the necessary arrangements.  Watch this space.

Well I really must go to bed.  I am up at 6 as usual tomorrow and need to be out by 6:40.  I am a bit tired from the house full since Thursday.  So goodnight all. Speak again soon.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Teri I am so sorry you are having a bad time with prospective in-laws.  I don't know what to say to make it any better but I am sending you lots of ((((((((hugs)))))))).  It is so difficult trying not to offend family when we just don't seem to even remember sometimes what we have said wrong.  Take care of yourself.  Ailsa xxx

Wow, such a lot of long posts!

Teri, try not to take things to heart, I'm sure it will all work out, lots of emotions flying about right now (you and your prospective DIL) My daughter's MIL got offended too a couple of months back. As you know since Sept' things have not exactly gone right for me, with losing Colin, broken arm and bad back. Rachel and Dave spent a lot of time with me, as I couldn't move at all the first couple of days of the back episode, it was the last thing I wanted or needed but Dave's mother argued with him saying she needed an appointment to see her own grandson as he was always with his other grandma, me! She could not seem to see that at this moment in time I needed them to help and support me and pointed out she had lost her husband too but that was almost 4 years ago and she has her other grown up son living at home with her, so she is hardly alone is she? Anyway it has all settled again now and I hope your situation does too.

Ailsa, your friend is right, there is no rush to do anything. I keep being told that and it is not that I want to rush into another relationship, more that I just can't help but think of the future. It is my personality to try and compartmentalise my life, I like order and routine. To try not to do that causes me more upset than it does to do it, if that makes sense. You can't stop yourself thinking the thoughts you are thinking can you?!

Sue, like you we have been told at school there will be redundancies but not who or when yet. Might get the dreaded letter when I return after Easter, can't be far off if they want to finish us at the end of this school year as they have to give 3 months notice. It is just more turmoil, more unwanted thoughts to go round and round in my head.

Maybe I would be more content to be alone for the forseeable if I had more friends but the few I have are married and although I do go out with them, they have there partners to go home to. I could make new friends but am not very good at doing that. It is a shame we don't all live that bit closer, could just pop in for a cuppa with Fiona, a walk with Ailsa and a cheeky glass of something cold and bubbly with Helen, Lynne and others!

Lynne, hope all goes well for your dad today. Big hugs. x

I'm very tired not slept last night, tummy ache. Am having Daniel tonight so his mum and dad can go out. Tomorrow night am at last going to see Alice in Wonderland with Rachel, can't wait.

Better go take a shower and get car to garage.

Speak later, love Lesley xx

Oh, yes, forgot to tell you tomorrow will be new look Lesley! Having hair cut much shorter and trying slightly different colour. Hope it looks OK or tomorrow I will be 'Sadanna' indeed!

Morning all ....

 Seems like  a few of us have been in that dark place again , its got to be with the holls , oh well at least thats over (well not for Manda as she is still in the sun ) have a good time Manda .. I think once again Judi your advice to Gayle is spot on , take each day as it comes and hope for the best , i'm sure once your there you'll be fine , and yes dont forget the texts ,, wont be able to go a week without hearing from you .. Lesley cant wait for the pics of the new you , and you do put your feelings dowm so well . I also remember a bit ot territorial-ness going on when my first grand child was born but it does settle down , and i also think if its your daighter that has had the baby you probably do get more visits , its only natural , in my case my sons , who have the kids live very close to me so i do get to see them a little more . I never get jealous of the others Na Na's as we get on quite well and we do love the same children but i will admit once when i was on my way to see one of the kids , i'd checked that they we're going to be in and my ex husband was there , now he doesn't come and see them very often but i still felt a pang , maybe cos it kept me away , oh well like i said he doesn't come that often so i have to accept when he comes i stay away .. Fiona good lucjk to Darren and i hope he gets that regular job soon and Sue when and if i moce i'll make sure i've got that second bedroom for you hun , such a worry for you i really hope it goes your way , you dont need this ..Helen i hope you managed to get rid of the werdo lol .Happy shopping today ..

 Well i spent most of yesterday painting the little bedroom ,and i can admit to kinda feeling a little anger too , anger that i've got to be doing this , i would never consider moving if Gordon was still here , but i'm sure its the right desision  to go . Still got loads to do all week . Dad well have his op this afternoon , and he is very apprehensive (not as much as us) we're scared that he's gone through all this and it wont have improve  things for him and i know thats what he's worried about too , but unless he goes through with it we'll never know . I just wish he could be "knocked " out whilst they do this op , it wont be pleasant .. I'll keep you all informed .. Well i'm off to do some more painting .. Hi to any body i've not mentioned xxx

Take care Lynne x

Morning, Lynne

Lots of love and hugs and best wishes to dad for this afternoon - poor guy.

sue xx