My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi, Dot

Welcome, Percy, to the fold.

Hope you and Alan have had  a peaceful easter, and maybe enjoyed some sunshine.

sue xx

That's him to a 't'!!!!  Isn't he cute?????

Hi everyone.  Dot your penguin is lovely and thanks for the picture Sue.

Judi - I'm glad to see you posting again.  I thought maybe not having your parents to visit was getting you down.  It would be good if we could all do as Bren and get away for the long easter break.

Rosemary the weather hasn't been as good here but I have been out on the deck a few times and all the shrubs are starting to bud.  It is really lovely.  I'm glad to hear your allottment is springng into life.  I have a hankering to go walking in bluebell woods - does anyone know when we are due to get bluebells so that I can watch out for them?

Bex & Dex are still here with me.  It has been lovely having them here for so long this time.  Poor Becky has ended up being a bit of a counsellor for me though.  I have so many things I need to talk through with someone and get straight in my head.  Just one of the millions of reasons why I miss my soulmate.  Becky has help me with some of it though.  I had Toni and Stu & Suzanne round today as well and I cooked for us all.  Chris always did the first bbq at easter but I decided against that this year - did a roast instead.  It went down very well.  We've been dancing on the wii and Becky has shown me how I can step with the wii fit and still watch some tv.  I love to kill 2 birds with one stone so that is next weeks exercise sorted for me.

Lynne good luck with the drums.  I still have Chris's PA.  I was going to give it to a deserving cause but then Stu started singing with a band and asked me to hang onto it for now. 

Not long until your holiday now Gayle.  I'm sure you will have a great time away in the sun.

Lesley I like the sound of the advice from your group session.  I feel like most of the old Ailsa went when Chris went so I suppose there must be a new one somewhere - just not sure where just yet.  It is going to be difficult for me not to fret and plan about what I will speak to my lady about next week but she has asked me not to so I will try very hard.

Helen I hope you enjoyed your meal with Nat & Liam.  Hi Fiona - hope the weekend is okay for you as well.  Manda, Teri, Dave hope you are all okay as well.  Bren it is good to hear you are enjoying your break.  Well if I haven't already started to ramble I will soon as I am very tired.  Best get off to bed.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Morning girls - I hope you all enjoyed your Easter Day as well as possible??  And have good plans for today too??? 

Ailsa - bluebells??  Lovely spring flowers - should be opening about 24th April (though they may be a bit late this year).  Why such a precise date??  My sister and I always looked for the first ones for my Mum's birthday (that date) and also the first cuckoo at that time too.  We had a competition going on - when we were younger - to be the first to bring the flowers and news of cuckoos!!!!  Good memories of Mum's delight at such simple things!!!!

Wii-fit and TV at the same time???  That is extreme multi-tasking!!!!!!!

You will all find your 'new you' - it may take a little while and a few false starts (of the 3 steps forward and 2 back variety) - but I'm sure that whoever/whatever you become your loved ones will approve and send loving vibes from their particular angel clouds...........

Let your thoughts take you where they will when talking to your counsellors or groups - it really is so much better than planning.  My mind used to wander all over the place - how my counsellor kept up with me I just don't know!!!!  But I found that so much angst about Alan's illness was linked to previous experiences (especially my Mum's illness from which she never recovered) and I kept going back and back in time till I'd cleared a lot of bad stuff out of my mind and memory........My counsellor said that this was a good thing to do..........a sort of 'spring-cleaning' for the soul!!!!!!  So don't be afraid to open up and talk of anything and everything that is bothering you..............including where your life may be going now and in the future!!!  I doubt you will shock your counsellors - they hear some really horrible stuff at times............Well that was my experience anyway!!!!

Love and lots of comforting (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) for you all - have a good day............

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning everyone

Yes being away for Easter would have been a good idea, we had a nice tea but I just missed Paul so much yesterday and couldnt shake the cloud off. We all went to his grave with some flowers and Nat and I had a walk around the Lake and prom here which put me in a brighter mood. Wasnt expecting to feel like that yesterday but hey it happens and like Gayle says we will all do this one way or another!!!!

Ailsa glad you ve had Becky and Dec there, I think part of yesterday`s mood was Liam wanted to go and watch the footie in the pub as I would have done too with Paul so felt a bit left out as he wasnt forthcoming for me to go with him. Can you blame him lol!! Not good for his street cred!!

Anyway yesterday is over and today is another day!! Nat and I are going away for a couple of nights today so that will be good. Off to Warwick so we ll have a couple of meals out and do some tourist things!!I ll take some pics!!

Lynne will be thinking of you and your Dad, hope it goes ok xxx

Has Manda gone yet?Have a lovely holiday xxx Fiona thanks for the bunny yesterday, so cute!!

Dottee thanks for the hugs as always, right back at you xxxx

Lesley hope you have a good day and enjoy your coffee in bed lol x

Hope everyone else had a good Easter xxx Thinking of you all xxx

Off to pack soon,might get back on before we go

Helen xxx

Morning everyone,

Have a great girlie time with Nat, Helen - sounds like great fun and can't wait to the see the pics on FB.  I'm sorry to hear you had a slump yesterday.  I did too.  I thought I was doing fine but woke up crying then was fairly okay during the day and then nightime just felt miserable. 

This is going to sound like a right moan but if I can't moan to you all and get good advise then who can I too (apart from Lynne and her ears are falling off listening to my problems lol!).  Well I had my family over for the afternoon and dinner.  I used to love these things but since Wully died it feels wrong and of course there is a person missing.  Well during dinner I just felt awful and really didn't want to go on holiday.  I love my mum and dad to bits and couldn't survive without them so this is going to sound bad but I am now dreading spending 7 days with them and the kids.  My dad likes a drink and becomes obnoxious when he is drunk and this is what happened yesterday and reminds me why I don't want to be on my own with them and the kids who don't drink still get obnoxious lol and they will act up.  I think I will need a holiday on my own when I get back.  I am sure it will be fine when I am there but just keep thinking of how lonely it will be without Wully and "difficult" in the evenings.  When Wully and I went away we had the kids take a nap in the afternoon so that they could stay up late and come out at night with us but I think this time I won't and we can just have early nights and I can read my book or something when they go to bed.  I know this sounds really silly so you do have permission to kick me up the bum!

Well better go and get ready.  My parents are supposed to be taking the kids to the caravan for a couple of days and I have so much work to do that it will be good to be on my own and plough through it.  I have to go out to lunch with a client today though. 

Hope everyones day goes okay.

Gayle xx

Hi Gayle

Just popping on before I go. Sorry you had a slump too, hopefully this week will be better for us all xx

I m sure all the other wise ladies and gentleman on here will have loads of advice for you better than I can offer but hopefully it is the `before` anticipation we all go through with these kinds of things. Like you say as much as our families are great we can rub each other up the wrong way. When you actually get there it may be completely different and you might all go out in the evening and enjoy it. I was like that before we went to Majorca last sumer, first time without Paul but we got chatting to other families and had a great time. Still those waves of sadness but manageable. Try and enjoy the time away from your busy job and dont forget the photos!!! No hiding from the camera lol!!

Anyway I ll be back Wednesday, dont do anything I wouldnt while I m away lol!!! Gives you loads of scope hee hee

Helen xxx

Hi all

Gayle, I'm sorry you have been feeling so down. About the holiday, I suppose it all depends on how much you enjoy going out at night and if you will enjoy the holiday as much if you stay in with the boys. I went away when my kids were little with my mum and her boyfriend, Colin was working. I went out for a meal with them and then returned to the apartment at around 9pm, leaving them to enjoy the rest of the evening without the kids in tow but then I don't mind being in early and having a read. I prefer early mornings. It can be hard though being around someone who does not handle drink well, my sister  doesn't, I could certainly tell you a few stories! I am still not speaking to her after her performance after Colin died. Lets just say it involved Police riot vans. I hope you manage to have a peaceful holiday anyway, maybe a few early nights would do you some good, you work so hard.

Helen and Manda, hope you both enjoy your break with your daughters.

Dottee,  I am sure we will find our new selves, the process is just so traumatic, thanks though for your kind words.

Well didn't get dressed 'till this afternoon but did get a lot of cleaning done. Went for a walk when the rain eventually eased and felt better for it. Car going in for service and its first MOT tomorrow, hope it is not too painful on the purse!

Judi, Catface is no longer the ungrateful one! He has finally seen the error of his ways and now loves his cat hotel!

Lots of love to everyone I've not mentioned. xxx

Hi, Lesley

I'm not sure if aanyone else is around tonight - it's very quiet.

Glad that you got out for some fresh air today; it does make a difference even though it means geting dressed!!!!! i take my dogs out daily, but otherwise probably wouldn't bother.

thank you for sharing your counsellor's words of wisdom; they made so much sense, and came just at the right time for this penguin. It's so hard when such a huge part of our lives disappear with our spouses, and your post struck such a chord with me. have to try to become a whole person again, not just 'the bit that's left over'.

I'm most impressed with all your cleaning - i need a boot up the rear end to get me going. It's far too easy not to bother when there's only myself to think about; my daughter wouldn't notice if the dust completely filled the living room!!!

hope youe easter was as good as it could be and that you saw your lovely little man - he is gorgeous.

sue xx

Hi Sue

Yes, I think we do have to work hard at being a 'new' person. It would be so easy just to stay in and become lonely and bitter. Having had such a wonderful 30 year relationship with Colin, I know how good life can be. I miss him more than I can find words to tell you but know I can never again have what we shared. It would not matter if I met the most wonderful man on earth, I can't replicate what we had because what we had grew over many years, I will never be 17 again, have children again, so can't share these and many other experiences with someone new, I wouldn't want to either, they were our memories. That said, I can't stand the thought that I will never be somebody's special person again. I miss sharing the little things, laughing with someone, someone to come home to, someone wondering where I am, asking me how my day has been. I am not a needy type and not the type who has to have a man to feel whole but knowing how good a relationship can be has made me wonder wether being a mum and a grandma is enough, I have so much more inside me.

It would be OK if I could write the script for a new relationship, like a contract, lol. A list of dos and dont's! Pity, life is not that simple is it? I wonder were we will all be this time next year, will our lives have changed. I don't want to feel like this forever, if I do then my life might as well be over. I love being with my children and little Dan but they have there own lives, I want one too. I want my old one back but there is no chance there. Maybe that is why I felt flat after the Newcastle trip, meeting new people, socialising, it is not what I would have normally done. I loved meeting everyone but also felt a little angry that I was being pushed out of my comfort zone but in order to have any life at all I am going to have to continue to push myself out time and time again, in the search for my new life.

If there is one thing Colin taught me that was how to love, I will not deny myself the chance of being happy again. He would hate to think of me being sad and lonely behind closed doors. I just have to remember to take one step at a time and not be too disheartened when I go scurrying for the safety of home, it doesn't take much to make me do that!

Anyway got my special little man over for the night tomorrow, so lots of smiles all round!

Lesley x