My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning all , sorry i've not been on , its the old brain cell deserting me week. I'm gutted that Judi and Gayle , i was worrying about Gayle all day knowing how down she felt and having all the travelling to do with the horrendious weather conditions .  I have had enough of the bad weather , its such a strain day in day out , we've been stuck a couple of times (in the remote villages) but when you say that you might have trouble getting to this village i think our control suddenly think we are talking alien or something , they are sat behind there cosy desk and we are struggleing even to get our breaks let alone finish any where near time , and than i still have to go to dads . Sorry for the moan , i live my job but just need things to settle down a bit . Dad has gone kinda child like and very demanding so thats hard work too . He has got to have another op (via local anasthetic ) to get this chain/plate out of his mouth as its that wahts causing him all the problems now .   Amanda so so sorry that you now have to face losing your nan now and i know how just when you think your kinda "getting on with things " something comes along to knock you back even further , but you will get back up there hun .Your holiday looked fab , can we have our next meet there ?     Ailsa drive carfully today , i'm not sure what the weather is like in Bath , have a good weekend .... Patricia , really fancy spilling coffee on your lap top , i think you've been mixing with me to much lol ... Lesley , sorry i wasn't out toplay last night , we can have a party tonight if you want ... Judi have a good night tonight , you either make me laugh or cry with your posts , this one made me laugh .... Dave good to hear from you , but sorry about the bad news , have a good weekend .. Bren i hope your cold is better now .. Hi Helen and Sue , hope you having a good day at school and the little darlings arn't running you ragged .. Fiona , how is Darren geting on with the job hunting , it cant be easy ...Rosemary , is Dan fully recovered now ?  Hi to any body i've not mentioned . Have a good day .. Big hugs to you all . Gayle i hope you've had a good nights sleep and are refreshed for your weekend ....

Take care . Lynne xxx

((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))  Sue xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Happy weekend all!

Gayle I hope you made it home alright and your presentation went as planned. Everybody must have busy Friday evening planned as it is very quiet on here!

Manda hope you are feeling a little brighter after your meltdown yesterday.

I've had a quiet day and feel OK, have slept really well the past couple of nights, I'm so relieved that I am finally sleeping through the night most nights.

My plumber came round tonight to do a service on my boiler, he had sad news too. He and his wife had just split up after 7 years together, had a nice chat with him. Like us he is finding it difficult to adjust to life alone. Although selfish, it makes you realise how many unhappy people there are out there and that you are not alone.

I have had  a nice evening up to now, fire on, it's so pretty and welcoming. Half bottle of red and am going to go to bed nice and early with a good book.

Speak to you all tomorrow, hope you are all enjoying your evening wherever you are. Love Lesley x

Hi Everyone,   Gayle hope you got on ok today, i noticed  on tv how bad the weather was up north, better you got hte train and hope you get back home safe and well.  Judi hope you have a great night, and manage to dance in your new shoes. Lynne i know what you mean about your dad my sister and me had a time with my dad this week  as you say they go back to being like a kid, he say's he doesn't feel well but he can't tell us what's wrong he just likes us to be there all the time, but as you say when you are working it's hard. Hope everyone else doing ok, and you all have a good weekend, well i must get off to bed as working in the morning. Luv and Hugs to you all Fiona xxxxxxxxxxx 

Hi everyone,

Got home safely (eventually!) although yesterday was a bit of a disaster.  My train was delayed both ways and had a bit of a strop on the way home as I had booked first class and there was no seats!Very sorry to have missed my auntie Judes but she is threatening to make me sit up all night in Newcastle and listen to Barry Mannilow - lets hope we get snowed in!!! (just kidding - can't wait x).

Meeting went okay although out of 15 only 5 turned up because of the weather.  Work wise it was a good move and I might even be working up there in the near future every week as there is a lot of business for us.  A lot of travel for me but worth it for my career.

Lynne - thanks for the texts.  They have helped a lot xxx I can understand how frustrated you must be at the moment and I hope this run of bad luck for your dad changes soon.

I am still not too great at the moment but I will not depress you all with the details.  I am not someone who cries a lot but I haven't stopped since Wednesday (obviously been saving it up!).  I am constantly fighting back the tears and I was dreading seeing my mum today when I picked up the kids as I knew I would break down (you always do around people you know well who care about you) which of course I did.  I hate worrying her and my dad as they are not getting any younger and this whole sorry mess has been hard on them too.  And of course my very lovely friends on here texting me I had to try and text back through floods of tears.  The texts help but I think it is knowing that people care which makes me worse.  Fed up being strong and brave to be honest but what choice do I have?  I asked Jamie (my 5yr old) for a cuddle the other night and of course that set me off.  He just said very normally that it is because I miss his daddy and that it is okay to miss him and that to remember that he (Jamie) loves me very much and is my best friend.  Well of course that made me worse.  I felt terrible.  He is 5 - he shouldn't be speaking like that and he shouldn't be taking care of me.  I suppose in a way it is good that he sees it is okay to be upset and miss people but I just feel like a crap mum.  I don't want them to have to grow up fast and that is exactly what is happening.  Ewan is 4 next week and I am dreading it as Wully should be here to enjoy the day.  Very hard buying a card for him saying just love mummy.

I hope you are all doing okay.  Judes - hope you had a fabulous time at the ball (very posh!!) although could not stop laughing at you falling over in Next!!  I went to Union Square today and spent a few quid on a nice new bracelet (as you do).  My train was delayed by an hour so had to do something! 

Lesley - glad you are feeling okay today.  Ailsa, have a great weekend with your family.  Manda - glad to hear you got a bit of relief on holiday but sorry that it has hit you all again and of course I am very sorry to hear of your nan.  Sue, Patricia, Fiona, Dave, Quill, Helen, Dottee, Bren and anyone else that I have missed - hugs to all you lovely kind people. 

Gayle xxx

Okay, I am now home from my BALL! - Although I had put a pair of flatties in my evening bag I stayed in my hells ALL EVENING! way to go Judes!!

Gayle, I missed seeing you so much but because I know that we are meeting in only 15 sleeps everything is okay.  Union Sqaure - I have only been there once and I didn't buy anything!!!! So you beat me hands down. I love the fact that you may be up here more often, surely it can't keep snowing for ever can it???  Please don't stress about Jamie being the 'grown up' - all that means is that you and Wully have done a magnificent job in bringing him up - he may well be able to take the mantle of 'Boy' soon he sounds that wonderful!!

Lynne, I really hope that Dad starts to feel better soon - massive hugs to you. Thanks for the text.  Fiona, than you too for the lovely text, I was in the taxi on my way to the 'do' and have somehow managed to turn off the predictive text so started to reply but it was all gobbledegook!  How is Darren? 

Okay I am off to bed and tomorrow will post something that resembles sense. Til then loads of love to all - Judes xxxxxxxx

Woops, I have just seen how many typos there are in that post - bed needed I think !  J xx

Judi, so glad you had a nice evening and managed to stay in your heels! I have a wardrobe full of heels that I never wear for the same reason, beautiful shoes but I feel strange wearing them, I suppose it is because I wear flats for work everyday.

Gayle, I hope you manage to get back on track soon. It is truely awful when you have so many down days all at once. I can't imagine how hard it must be trying to work, see to your boys and cope with how you feel all at once.

I really wish you could see all the posts when you reply, I can only ever remember the last one I read, it must be age!

Well after bragging that I am managing to sleep through the night, I have been awake since 3:30am, I never learn do I?

Not much planned this weekend, am off to Asda soon, then out for the day with Rachel, Dave and Dan   :-)))   I might even get to watch my new DVD later, still have not managed to sit still for long enough to watch it.

Hope you all have a good day, speak later. Love Lesley xx

Morning everyone xxx

Sorry not been on for couple of days, this week has been so busy!! Last night I had a quck read but too tired to post.

Bug higs to Gayle, you re doing so well. Sorry to hear you`re down this week, what a lovely son you ve got with his `wise` words. Bless him xxx Hope your weekend turns out better than your week.

Judi glad you enjoyed your ball, my heels havent had a trip out lately!! Will have to sort that lol.

Lynne you`re busy, busy with work and Dad etc. Look after you too.

Dave so sorry to hear about your friend, I ve heard more cancer news this year too. Friends father in law and colleague`s mum!! Not good :(

Well Mum in law had a lovely birthday on Thursday and we had a lovely meal with them. I spoilt her a bit more this year with her pressies although I cheated and got them from M and S online but she was thrilled!!

Off to meet a friend tonight for a meal and few drinks so away until tomorrow.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend, and love to everyone I havent mentioned. Thinking of you all.......and just think 1st day of Spring on Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Helen xxx