My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dot you are one hell of a lady!  We went through 6 months of Steve's diagnosed illness and that was awful (understatment, but I know everyone on here knows exactly what I mean) but you are having to cope, day to day, for so long and still keep going and you still keep looking in and making us laugh and being supportive.  Yes it is dreadful for Alan and I can only imagine how it is for him but I know what it is like from your side, I totally admire you and look up to you and as I can do nothing else I'm sending you the hugest of hugs and a wopping great kiss (on the cheek of course!)

I've read back the last three pages and sent you all hugs and laughed and cried with you all yet again, but as usual not remembering anything I wanted to say to you all, at least not remembering in the right order or who I was going to say things to.  At last my back is easing up (now it's just the arthritis in the hands and the dodgy cartilidge in my knee that's giving me jip, but hey I'm just an old crock), it's still letting me know not to do too much leaping around but it is so much easier to sit here and type to you (even if I can't remember what I was going to say). 

Hope you are all doing well tonight, Patricia I've text you and hope you are ok after such a hard night, that lady must think that bereavement is easier as your husband still loved you when he left, not chose to leave and divorced you - no excuse as she really needs to think before saying something like that.  Judi loved the pics of the birthday bash and it sounded wonderful, what a lovely memory he'll have of his 21st, you too have my .... oh can't remember the word I want but I think you're brill!

I'm off to get some ice cream and naughty cake, tonight we need it so although I really shouldn't I will eat it on behalf of all of you so a shared calorie (or stack of them) is a halved calorie isn't it?  Be back later, lots of love to you all and I will be on the outside of the huddle tonight holding you all safe xxxxxxx

Gayle, must have posted at the same time. I agree with every word, we are very lucky indeed. I will always feel lucky because I had almost 30 years with a man who loved me unconditionally, I trusted and could always rely on..

Kisses and all my love to you Colin, Side by side every step of the way! xxxxxxxxxxx

I just want to offer the hugest angel hugs and warmenst of kisses to you all. I guess I was just having a 'feeling sorry for myself' morning and I'm afraid I still am but others are earlier on in their journey so I should be offering support not seeking it. I am entering another phase of 'this time last year' and I have to say it is the final phase of the journey. Not one I particularly want to remember but remember it I will.

Thank you all for your kind words of support. They are very much appreciated. Gayle I am sure you are right about the 'divorced lady' but it was just hard to be objective this morning.

I have spoken with my dad today and he has promised to check the phone each day and to switch on his mobile phone and take it with him when he goes out. So thoughtful. What did we ever do without mobile phones?

I looked in the mirror as I was passing and wished I hadn't. I feel that I have aged 10 years or more overnight and not in a good way. Now I remember why i hate mirrors.

Dot what a lot you have had to deal with over the past decade. (((((Angel Hugs))))))) to you for the way you are getting on with life as it is now and adapting to accommodate your new lifestyle.

Lesley, Ailsa, Rosemary, Helen,I hope you are having a better time of it today.

Lynne how is dad? hop ehe is ok.

Bren, so pleased you are managing to find new friends and do fun things.

Judi don't be moping about now that Boy has gone back.

Sue, how is alice coping with the 'cod'. Even through my floods of tears this morning I found myself smiling loudly at that one.  x x

Everyone else whom I have not mentioned (((((((hugs)))))))))

Thanks again for beinbg here and for readeing the rubbish I write just to keep myself sane.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Dear Patricia - it's allowed that you feel sorry for yourself sometimes - or all the time if that's how it gets you.  We all need support at times so I'm pushing you oh so gently towards the middle of the huddle where you'll be safe and cosseted for as long as it takes............

If your Dad is like mine he'll agree to do things to please then go his own sweet way and 'forget' house phone and mobile!!!!!  No help at all!!!!

As for me - well I know I moan and groan about my lot in life - but I have to get up and do things eventually.  I have learned recently though that I can - and now will - let the fluff gather in the corners of rooms - it's not that important.  What is important is that Alan is cared for to the best of my ability - and that we find things to laugh about along the way.  We both tend to have a macabre sense of humour which has us rolling about in fits of laughter.........but the docs think we've totally lost the plot and smile politely while looking for the nearest straght-jackets!!!!!!  If we couldn't make a joke out of our lives as they are now we would well and truly have sunk a long time ago!!!!!  I'm afraid I come to our Mac-world to do my weeping and wailing - I have to so that I can cope with all that goes on here............There's only one in my house that hears all my woes - and that is Elie-dog!!  She is well-known for keeping secrets - she hears everyone's and never tells a soul!!!!  We go off for a walk and find somewhere quiet to sit and watch the birds and rabbits in the fields and I talk to her..........She listens with head on one side then gives me a big drooly 'kiss' and leans against me as if giving me a cuddle.  We sit like that for a while then when my tears stop we head home and back to reality!!!!!!  If I choose a windy day I blame the weather for my red eyes and blotchy face.......Do my menfolk know the truth of it??  Probably!!  But no-one says otherwise!!!!!

As long as we can be here for one another and reading each others' thoughts (which are not rubbish) then we'll get by....and may one day find our way back to something like a 'normal' life again!!!!!!

Dearest Dot, we too had a macabre sense of humour and it worked very well for us so I can totally understand that. Never ever lose that dear lady. It is what keeps you going at least some of the time. x x x Do you realise how truly amazing you are? Love Patricia x x x

Patricia you never talk rubbish , thank goodness your here to give out your good advice and angel hugs , i'll  admit i've been asking the angels for help just lately so i hope that is why i have been feeling a little more positive for a few days . Dad has been very depressed , once  again they are going  to discuss his feeding tube being taken out tommorow . He can struggle with a little food but he cant really take much in the fluid line . He has to thicken everything or it goes in his lungs . Untill he has the next op i dont think he will get any better really , and as they dont know if he can have the next op we are not sure what will happen . I feel so so sorry for him , i do think if he doesn't start getting out and about soon he never will ..    Dottee take care of your self too , i know how easy it is to neglect your own well being and it is such a strain trying to hide the tears .. Big hugs to everybody xxxx Take care xxx Lynnexxxx

Dear Patricia - I've never thought of myself as 'special' or 'truly amazing' - to mis-quote Harry Potter 'I'm Dot....just Dot' and my philosophy in life is to help others where I can and if I can't give practical help then I will listen and share a tissue or two as needed...............I'm a softie and will cry at the sight of a new-born lamb - but I also have a stubborn streak which doesn't let me give in too easily............my tantrums and tears are usually a last resort borne of frustration that I can't cope or do whatever I need to............ Dot xxxxx

Whatever ypur philosophy, I am honoured to have met you x x x

We all seem to be a bit emotional today.  I am just heading off to bed but after reading the last posts (with some tears) I just wanted to say that you are all a remarkable bunch of people and I feel privleged to have met you all. 

Gayle xxx

Thank you Patricia - I have got to know some pretty amazing people here in our Mac-world - and that includes yourself.......... In spite of the darkness that can descend at times there is also laughter, lightness and a sharing caring attitude that prevails wherever you look.........

I'm beginning to nod off - it's late for me so I'll be signing off soon. Night night all

Love and (((hugs)))  Dot xxxxxxxxxx