Holiday

Not waffle at all I would find it very difficult to take a break anytime soon I have to admit. You have been very brave to organise it but he told you to go so it's another big step forward. I think you have done really well. I'm sure he's watching out for both.

I have to go somewhere also this week that my husband and I loved to go to stay but I'm dreading it but I have a small procedure that I have to have done and am unable to drive so I have to be under the watchful eye of family for 48hrs then I can return to my Aloneness too back home. 

Oh gosh - sounds awful.  I have been talked into going on holiday with my son, grandson & daughter-in-law in the school holidays & whilst the thought of spending time with them is amazing it is only going to highlight the person missing - we have gone on at least one holiday a year with them for the past 6 years so this isn’t going to be easy & I have had thoughts about not going - I won’t make any decisions I don’t think until it is time to leave for the airport.

I haven't had a holiday in at least 5 years.  The first going through covid and then two years going through cancer treatments with Jay and the last two years on my own since he passed. We never went lavish holidays abroad instead we bought a static caravan which was our wee home from home to go to whenever we liked. It was on the west coast of Scotland in a beautiful setting right at a riverside and was a `suntrap` in the good weather- who needed the med for the good weather! and it was so peaceful all you heard was the noise of birdsong and the flowing river passing by. Sadly I had to sell it after Jay passed just could not afford the upkeep on my own it was mainly a private site so we were not allowed to let it out commercially. When my mother passed many years ago we used to take my dad on holidays with us long before our caravan days. It was mainly for our son's benefit as he was very close to his grandad and it gave him a holiday too. Sadly that tradition has not passed to my son and his family and he never offers so I never ask. I know money is tight for young couples these days and things are a lot more expensive now since back when Jay and I were first married some 30 odd years ago. It doesn't really bother me though. People say to me that I should go away with my sister. She has learning difficulties though and is not very outgoing and needs to be prompted to do things by me she just has no incentive to do anything on her own so if we went on holiday together it would just be like sitting at home so I just think what is the point? The saying sometimes `you dont know what you have until it's gone` seems to ring true at times. Jay and I did everything together. He was a very private person and never really mixed with anyone and I am the same so in a way we were well suited and didn't really feel we needed anyone else. Now I can be so lost. A chunk of my income has been lost also since Jay passed. I lost his state pension and the carer benefits I had for him. He did leave me provided for though through insurance policies but now I have to try to make those last so holidays for me on my own are a bit out of the question. I do get your feeling of feeling like a `spare part` when being with your family I feel like that too sometimes and still need to find where I belong now if anywhere. Where I was part of a couple mum and gran, I'm just mum and gran now and carer for my sister. I wish you well moving forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky x

The main reason I booked the holiday was for my daughter really.  I had already paid for my son to go with his mates , they both lost their dad to suicide 13 years ago and then had to watch and lose their stepdad Christmas Day, I know they have been through so much already. I kept saying to people I'm not excited like people are when they go on hols. I kept sitting at the airport saying that's where we sat, ate etc. Nothing excites me anymore I just fill the void. My attitude to spending money now is f**k it I could be dead next year , as the saying goes life is to short..and don't we all know it x

It is a hard decision.  My friend lost her 20 year old son last October to cancer. She just been but said not the same , first night out and played one of her sons fav songs she said she was crying. I used to have a laugh etc but you literally are going through the motions.  I don't say anything negative to my daughter as the holiday is for her really and she's already said I make negative comments like my life is over etc and brings her down so I don't want her to feel like that not fair on her. X

That is sad you had to let the caravan go as another thing to deal with on top of everything else. I know what you mean about finding a place, I have a big network support and have loads of things booked every weekend but it's just to get me through each day/week. I dread the winter coming as losing him Christmas Day looms over me. I'm out with 2 other couples soon who we did things with but can feel my anxiety creeping in as haven't done that yet so another 1st , one of the blokes is my partner best mate and he gets emotional and that sets me off so could go either way that night. My partner sorted his pension out etc for me so I'm eternally grateful he looks after me but money is sod all when u haven't got the one you love to spend it with. Hugs to you x

It’s so sad you couldn’t keep the caravan it sounds idyllic.  My husband loved his holidays & when he was diagnosed with cancer in 2023 he was determined he was going to go away as much as he could - sadly it didn’t work out like that because of having treatment & then getting really poorly from that.  We did get to Greece last August for 3 weeks - he was actually admitted to hospital on the 5th of August with Sepsis & was told he probably shouldn’t go away but he was determined he was going - he struggled when we first got there but did get stronger whilst we were there - our son & family spent 2 weeks with us & my husband was so happy that we had that time with them making happy memories.  That was the last time he got away sadly.

Yes Jay loved the caravan and we were there at every opportunity. He called it `home` instead of home here considering he wasn't for the idea of taking on a commitment of owning a static caravan in the first place. It was just the setting and everything where it was you couldn't help but fall in love with the place and you were only about an hour or so away from Glasgow where I live but when you got off the ferry taking you there it felt like stepping into another world and the peace and calm just descended and at the end it helped him get away from oncologists, specialists, clinics, chemo etc for a little while. The caravan was to be for his retirement which he never got to enjoy unfortunately. Retired 6 years ago this month after 50 odd years of working solid with hardly any sickness days off or going to hospitals/doctors etc retires and then it became an everyday ocurrence. Life can be so cruel. I'll always have my memories of the caravan though and as a parting shot I took some of Jay's ashes there to scatter round the van and on the embankment next to it when I was selling it on so he could get his wish of sorts of just wanting to stay there forever he was always at me to sell up here and move there but we had so many commitments here to deal with at the time it just wasn't practical.  Take Care everyone. 

xx