My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning everyone xx

Ha ha, last night struggling with a huge COD!!! What a professional!! Sorry for laughing lol, tickled me that xx

Ailsa you havent slowed down since I started chatting to you in May!!! I was exactly the same and still need to be occupied and this week has made me realise that again, I had a few `quiet` days to myself and thats when I was a bit down. I m looking forward to being able to get out in the garden again. Lesley like already said you are still early days and all your feelings are perfectly normal. I remember exactly the same looking at older couples and being cross with them for still having each other.

Patricia the one lady who said she would rather have bereavement than divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I want to swear!!!! What does she know, that s really got me! Hope you feel better today xxx What a night for you ((())))

Yes Sue back to it tomorrow. You sound like me, leave everything I need to do until the last minute lol!! Only 5 weeks until Easter hee hee!!!! Wishing my life away!

Lynne I cant believe the time you were out, hope you had a good day yesterday too x

Bren thanks for your friend request, your photos are lovely.

Dave, Gayle, Fiona, Rosemary Dottee and everyone hope you have a good Sunday

Helen xxx

Morning all , the cod made me giggle too Sue so glad the Panto went well and i am sure her daddy would have been watching her so proudly .... Ailsa , it probably is a better idea to drive back later , hopefullt the snow up here will ahve cleared a bit by then .... Patricia , i'm sure these people are drawn to you for your caring nature i just wish they would give you a break hun .. Lesley i hope your cast is removed tomorow and your back to full "fitness" . You are doing so well and it still is really early days for you so you can expect these dips but like Gayle says they will get less and you will get through them quicker as time goes on . I remember a few weeks after Gordon died everthing seemed to be going wrong , the Laptop wouldn't log out !! not a major disaster but you think with my reaction that it was , i just started kicking the sofa , thank goodness its soft leather lol or my foot would have been in plaster . Dont know where the anger came from and i haven't felt like that again but that day i could have done some serious harm to me (or the sofa) I'm sure its all just stages that we go through .... Judi , so so glad the party went well and i hope hope you have a good day with boy today . Nd the trains had better not be on strike or we are sending a helicoptor for you , your not missing out on this .... Helen have a good day at the gym , thanks for the texts yesterday , i love getting texts off you all ..Phew Gayle glad you didn't get to do the windows lol your frightening me , i think your turning into a domestic goddess  ..

Well well well , the next time somebody says you have to be there fo 5.30 or you wont get on (nephew ) i'll hit him ... I was doing a boot sale with little sis as she is moving house on wed and she really needed to get rid of a lot of stuff . We borrowed big sis's camper van and she loaded it up last night , i took a few boxes of books and things . We we're setup for 5 .30 , there was a couple of other cars there and when we mentioned that we'd been told to be there for 5 .30 , they said , yes in the summer grrr . Anyway we sold quite a lot in the first half hour to the dealers that stalk these places but then the snow came and kept on coming . About half 7 we decided it wasn'tt going to stop so we packed up and left whilst we still could lol . Ive took some thawing out . Sis made abourt 70 pound and i made about 20 so if the weather had been better we could have done a lot more . We are going to try again next sunday but go about 7 ish (unless they forcast snow) . I had a nice afternoon/evening with my friend and just before we left we bumped into a friend of hers who had lost his wife 8 years ago , well that was it then we stayed another hour or so talking to him , but i only drank water at that stage (yes Helen water ) as i knew i had to be up at 4.30 . He has since remarried and it was good to get a mans point of view who is further down the line . He has a photo of his first wife in his wallet and he showed me a poem he'd wrote to her , well that made me cry and than he felt awful but i assured him i was ok and i was . I eventualy got home  about 11 .

I'll have to go and re read the posts now . xxxxxx

Ha ha Lynne, good girl!!! Need some water with it. I m trying to be good too, I can get a bit carried away when I get out with friends but it s not good is it? Especially the next day x All in moderation lol Nice to have a chat with somone who has been there though and like you say from another point of view. Life does go on!

Enjoyed an hour or so at the gym and had a chat into between my workout too, funny the people you bump into at the gym!

Off into town soon to get MIL a birthday pressie and a nice card. Unfortunately wont be a `Mum` one but I ll get her a special one from me x

Right need to get showered and changed out of gym things and hit the shops

Bye for now

Helen xxx

Hi Everyone

Just catching up again on all your posts, seems like I am always trying to catch up.  Lesley, Patricia and Ailsa big hugs.  Lesley I am just about a month behind you, it will be 4 months on Saturday.  I am not too bad this weekend because as a few of you have said, I have been busy.  The really hard times are when I sit here alone and just let it out.  Patricia, I can't imagine how you coped with all of those people the other night.  You are amazing.  Ailsa try to slow down and rest.  I know that is not easy, for a long time I could not sit for very long.  At MIL's at Chrismas, I made 5 scarves in a week as that was the only way I could stay sitting was to crochet constantly.  That made my niece happy, she took 4 of them home. Now I find, when I am home, I can sit for a while, even watch a movie on the television but still need to phone someone or chat somehow with someone.  But housework is just not important so not much is getting done. 

I saw Avatar on Friday with a new friend.  I have found that people have been very kind and I am making some new friends on my own now.  It was great and if  you haven't seen it do go.  Yesterday was a Chinese New Year celebration for those who have adopted children from China, one of my friends has a little girl from China and invited me.  It was fun and a different way to spend my Saturday.  Today is a Me and Max (dog) day, I need to give him some of the attention he has not been getting and get some rest.  I do need to put gas in the car and do some errands which were things Dan would do for me but will take the dog with me for a drive. 

I also look at older couples and not so much get angry but am envious.  This next week is quieter I hope, I do still have paperwork to complete but haven't had the heart to even look at it lately.  So I hope to get at some of it.

I hope you all are doing better today.  One day at a time is all we can do.

love

Bren

A friend just sent me this and I thought it was neat.

Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens
Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway

Afternoon all - thought I'd stop by and leave some ((((hugs))))) for you all.  I've read all your posts but now can't remember (again!!) who's said what....but I know there is sadness in the air.  Apart from Sue and Alice's cod wrestling!!!!!!  That made me laugh out loud after a few sad moments reading other posts.

I think it was Lesley who asked about me and Alan??  Yes Alan does have cancer - Multiple Myeloma.  It's treatable but not curable!!!  He's in remission and stable just now......and has been for about a year or so!!!  But we still have lots of ups and downs and I find this site a real help when I get really down about the way our life has turned out.  Alan officially retired 2 years ago (though he hadn't worked for 10 years before that because of his ill health) while I turned 60 last September and will now retire at the end of March this year.....YAY!!!!   5 weeks to go - not that I'm counting!!!!!!!  We had great plans to do lots of the 'big walks' - Pennine Way, Coast to Coast, Hadrian's Wall etc etc......but that's all gone now as Alan can hardly walk round the garden some days............I do have plans to 'have a go' at some of them.............some day.  But that all depends on what the future brings!!!!!!  It will be something to focus on....... I feel sometimes that I too am mourning .........for the loss of a once brave, courageous 'Action Man' ...........reduced to being old before his time...........we would love to be more active but can't because of the way Alan is............Don't get me wrong - on his good days we do as much as he feels able to - but I feel that he is frightened of the consequences now of doing too much!!!  The sponsored walk that we did last October was the last time that Alan did any serious walking.  He really pushed himself to complete the course - just wouldn't give up and is still suffering for it!!!!  He says now that though he enjoyed it at the time he won't do any more!!!!!

I too had my own scare last year - I had surgery for suspected ovarian cancer - but the cysts found were all benign.  For a while I really did hit rock-bottom!!!!  'Happy pills'........... counselling.........lots of time off work.......you name it......I think I've got a matching t-shirt!!!!!!!!!!  I'm not looking for sympathy - just trying to tell it like it is for us!!!!!

Life is a roller-coaster for all of us and if we knew what was around the corner some days we'd not get out of bed!!!!!  So it's a case of battling on and hoping that some day someone somewhere will find the key to curing all cancers...........

Dot xxxxx

Sorry - hadn't realised just how long the above post turned out....hope you're not bored reading it???  I've up-loaded my profile again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Huge hugs to you Dot, you have had a real tough time and still manage to find time to help us all out in our pain and worry.  Alan has a remarkable lady looking after him.  I know what you mean about grieving for the brave, courageous man.  I too was like that with Wully.  He was extremely ill for his last year of his life and I did start grieving long before I lost him as he wasn't himself for a very long time.  He wasn't the man that I fell in love with that looked after me and cherished me.  Of course I still adored him but he was a completely different person at the end and our relationship was best friends or carer and patient.  He was like a child due to the high levels of medication he was on.  Now when I remember him I can remember the old Wully some of the time.  Rather than when he first died all I could remember was the sick man.  You are a great support to us all.  I too pray that they continue to discover new treatments for cancer (which they do everyday) that will help you both.

Gayle xxx

Sorry just noticed I missed a page of posts.  Patricia, I am really feeling for you but you must remember that you must tell us how you are feeling.  Sometimes even just typing it all out can make you feel a bit better and you know that we are all feeling the same at some point.  My main emotion with our situation is anger usually.  I don't do sad very often as I find it easier to be angry.  In fact my boss was just moaning at me last week that I have an attitude problem (he loves me really) and I pointed out to him that if I didn't have the attitude then he would worry about me which he laughed at and had to agree with.  I get very angry as to why us?  but like you say who would we wish this on. 

I have also had the comment about bereavement and divorce and can understand it to a certain extent (sorry!!).  Me and my mum had a long chat about this before.  I know to the day I die that Wully adored me and loved me unconditionally and totally - something that I will probably never experience again.   I know there is that corny saying that it is better to have loved and  lost than to never have loved at all but to be honest I am grateful for the love I had from Wully and if I never experience it again then it won't matter as I will have that warm love around me until the day we meet again.  I hope that makes sense as I feel I am rambling now.  We are all very lucky to have had these amazing partners in our life and to have had that time with them.  Yes, it was cut far too short and far too cruelly with suffering and pain but I am grateful that I had my time with Wully.

Gayle xxx

Dottee, thanks for sharing. I feel I know a bit more about you now. I sometimes feel we were lucky that we only knew Colin had cancer for such a short while. I can remember the last time he was discharged, just one week before he died. He came home with a long list of medication and a nebulisor, they were making arrangements for him to have part of the tumour to be removed because they couldn't tell what sort of cancer he had but they were worried about operating as his blood count was only one. I remember thinking is this it now? I wondered how long our lives were going to be put on hold for, he was so weak but trying to be so strong for me. As it turned out he was only home for two days, he started to cough up blood, so I had to take him back in, 5 days later and he was gone. sometimes I am angry because it was so fast, others I don't know how either of us would have coped with long term illness, he was so proud and hated us seeing him ill. He looked so vulnerable and I couldn't have loved him anymore than I did at that point. You are one very brave lady Dottee.

Patricia, I hope you are OK, I've been thinking about you today. xx

I have felt OK today, like someone said, I do seem to be bouncing back faster. I just get times when my brain won't stop going over and over the last few days and hours, image after image goes before my eyes. It feels like I am watching part of a horror film and I can't turn it off at the bad bits, they just play over and over and over until I have to cry. maybe that is the way your brain makes you accept it bit by bit, forcing you to realise that it is true.

Anyway sorry if the post is pretty negative, I don't feel negative. I have had lots of Daniel cuddles toay and smiles!

Fiona, that reminds me, I haven't seen any Charlie pics for a while, get clicking!!!

Love to all xxxx