My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

A snowy good morning to you all!

Sorry about my negative post yesterday, I don't know what came over me. One minute I felt OK and the next sobbing, I even had to throw my glass of red away, I couldn't drink it and that just isn't me, lol. Anyway I seem to feel OK again today. Thanks all for your kind words and hugs, they really do help me to remember that I am not alone.

Patricia, what is your job, I think I must have missed you saying. At least all those people are telling a person who actually knows what they are going through. I am sure you were a great comfort to them.

Dottee, I am assuming your Alan is ill with cancer, again I must have missed you saying what type. I looked on your profile and it does not say much about your situation. I hope his cancer is under control and curable. x

Ailsa, do you think you are keeping busy to stop you having to think? When I was down yesterday evening, I was thinking about this. For the last few weeks or so I have not stopped to draw breath. I was out yesterday from 8am until 6pm and then started dinner etc. It was only when I started to write in my journal that I realised this was not me. Saturdays used to be spent doing chores in the morning and then lazy time with Colin. Him watching footie, me knitting or reading, us out in the garden etc. I thought I don't want to keep rushing around but what I want I can't have but I can't just relax at home on my own because then I start thinking and that leads to me being upset. I was wondering if that was the same for you?

Well not much palnned for today but I really should do some cleaning before I return to work tomorrow. My cast should be off tomorrow too, I am at the hospital first thing.

It seems to have stopped snowing for now, so must get moving. have a good day all, speak later. Love Lesley xx

Dot, dad's phone was the one which he has in the bedroom and was knocked off accidentaly. But at least he is ok. I did get a break because everyojne settled for most of the night.

Well the events of the night have come back on me now as I feared they might. It has hit me and hard. I just feel as though I just cannot 'give' any more of myself. I am absolutely drained and now cannot stop crying. In fact not crying, deep, heart wrenching sobs. It feel just like it did at the beginning only worse because at least then I was numb. Now I am fully aware and it feel just dreadful. I was hoping I would get away with it but NO. One of my colleagues asked me if I was alright as I turned to leave and I just blurted out 'No, I just need to go home to be on my own'. I was crying before I even left the building and almost had to pull over and park up the car because I could hardly see where I was going. Oh rubbish to all this I hate this life. I refuse to say 'why me, why us?' but right now it is how I feel. How selfish is that? Why not me, why not us? If not us then it would be some other people and that is an awful thought too. Oh flippin eck I am sorry for this post but just feel the need to tell someone how I feel just so that I don't bottle it all up inside. I am so sorry that I have no positive thoughts and vibes this morning but do hope that some of you at least can have a better day. Thank you for reading and I hope I have not upset anyone. Not my plan or intention at all. Maybe I should just sit back for a while and reflect on what my life means now and how I am going to deal with things in the future.  So much for being the 'strong person' that everyone seems to think I am.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x p.s. right now I feel as thought my angels have deserted me.

Sorry everyone, please excuse me while I scream - aaaaggggghhhhhh!  I am at becky's, my laptop is acting up and I just typed my post and it disappeared.  I will be back in a minute when I recover x

Patricia, it's OK to feel like this, especially on here, that's why we are all here because we understand each other. It sound like you are feeling just as I was last night. I went to Asda late on and could bearly get round the store, I could feel the upset building inside me. I will tell you something awful too, I actually saw older couples together and wanted to shout at them, why are you still here, you are old, I want my man back, I want to have the chance to get old with him. How awful is that but it is true. I don't mean it of course but I did right there and then. I drove home and more or less flung the shopping through the door, slammed it and then sobbed and sobbed. If we can't let it out on here, then where?

I just wish we all lived closer then we could actually pop round for a coffee and let rip, I am sure we would feel better after having a good rant about the injustice of it all.

I think you have my number, any time you want a chat, just ring. If not let me know and I will PM you it.

Love and angel hugs for you, you are always so busy sending them to others. Love Lesley x

Good morning all, and very special cyber hugs to Patricia and Lesely.

Patricia hun, I know that being a nurse it is obviously more likely that you will keep being in situations that the rest of us manage to avoid.  But I think that these ladies gravitate towards you because they can see something in you, a care and concern for people that many others just don't have.  And for them that is wonderful, however, sometimes - exactly as you said you - will be just wrung out from 'giving'.  I don't have anything to suggest to protect you and I don't like the idea that with no warning you can be facing an evening like that.  Just know that you can always vent here and we will do our best to huddle you through.   I am glad that you Dad was ok.  I remember many an occassion when Ed's mum's (she lived to 93 and was the most gorgeous lady ever) left her phone off the hook and Ed's sister and I used to do exactly the same and end up going round to check on her.    Lesley darling, I think - and I really do only mean 'think' because I 'know' very little any more - that in general you are coping SO well, but it still is such early days so please don't get too worried when you have these ghastly moments, they really are quite 'normal'.  It is odd how different we all are - for a year I did the complete opposite to you and Ailsa, I literally did almost nothing, and I really do mean that.  It was almost as if I tried to slow everything down ..... everyone has their own way, at their own pace.  Both of you just know that Ray and Colin are watching you, loving you, knowing how much you miss them, wishing they could take the hurt away and I believe are so thankful they they were lucky enough to have your complete love.  And that will always be the case - you guys are as wonderful and funny and caring because you both know what true love is.

There hasn't been any more snow here since Friday, it has all turned to ice - really didn't mean to send it down to Lynne and Lesley .... sorry!

Boy was out last night with friends and should turn up here in a couple of hours for us to go and see both SDs before he goes for tea with his paternal grandparents (his biological father does still live in Aberdeen but only sees Boy about once a year ...... long story) but his grandparents just love him to bits and are going to feed him up before I pop him on a train this evening.  He has had a wonderful weekend and I think needs to back to uni for a rest!!

I am going down to Glasgow in a fortnight and mum and dad are travelling up the same weekend so we will have a 'civilised' celebration again then.    And then, one week after it is the Penguin Convention in Newcastle...... yipppeee.  At the moment I have one slight panic - I keep hearing that there are train strikes (I think just in Scotland)  for March 13 - They had better not cancel this penguin's train I can tell you!!

I will pop back later to see how everyone is - until then HUGE hugs to all.   Judi xxx

Sorry about my tantrum.  I am even letting the laptop make me breath badly now.  I need to get a grip.

Patricia I hope you are okay.  I was very concerned for you when I read about the people who had confided in you on your shift.  I have great admiration for the very fact that you can do your job whilst still trying to keep your own emotions in check.  I can't suggest anything but just know that we are all here for you.  Don't apologise for how you are feeling.  I had a terrible day on Friday and cried to an almost complete stranger on our HR team - not like me at all.  If you have to go to work again today please take care.  I am glad your Dad is okay and that it was just a phone mishap.

Sue thank you for the de-stressing penguins.  I can't imagine a 4 storey primark.  I thought a 2 storey one was big enough.

Helen I am glad you are feeling a bit better & had a good time with your friend.  It is nice that she knew Paul well.  It isn't like you to be down so I hope you are still feeling okay today.

Lesley you and I often seem to have similar thoughts and I have often wandered if this is a mistake and I have just forgotten to visit Chris.  I am quite sure you are right about me and my 'busy'.  It stops me from thinking sometimes but mostly just wears me out.  I need Cgris to slow me down but as I can't have that I really must work out a solution for myself as it is not getting any better yet.  I will try harder.

Yes Judi - I still have Tuesday & Wednesday free!!  I am so glad the Boy's party went well and you all had a good time.  We haven't had any snow here - just rain but I past through some on my way down yesterday.

I ended up coming to Becky's yesterday instead of Friday just because I had such a bad day on Friday.  Thought it wasn't the best idea to drive late in the day.  I was 20 miles from Becky's when she rang to say her plane had landed so I diverted to heathrow and picked her up.  I normally try to go home at lunchtime but my sister wants to see me so she is coming here today.  Means I can't leave until teatime so i hope it is a straightforward drive.

Gayle - even though I am aware that I am stressed right now I completely agree when you say that we bounce back quicker now than maybe a few months ago.  I really do feel like that.  I have looked back at old posts and notes I made when I was dealling with things a few months ago and I am sure I am more together now than I used to be.  I think I am less emotional but more stressed now which probably means it is hitting me in a different way now.  I am hoping it is just part of the process.

Right I really must go as I have been at this for ages after losing the earlier post.  I feel a bit rude ignoring becky & Declan.  I hope everyone has a reasonable Sunday.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Dear penguins,

Into the middle, Patricia, Ailsa and Lesley - it's time that you got some of your caring returned to you in spades. so sorry that you've all had such rough times -they will pass.

helen, back to the grindstone tomorrow; i brought shedloads of work home in the boot of my car, which is exactly where they have stayed. ah well, another day perhaps.

judes, the party sounds fab - you're a great mum, and boy is the image of you.

went to Alice's panto last night, and it was brilliant; i know i'm biased, but i was just soooo proud of her. Even though she was struggling with a horrendous cod, and feling lousy, she danced beautifully and her solo was fab. My biggest regret was that her dad couldn't be there to see her; he would have burst with pride, and everyone in the audience would have beeen fully aware that he was her daddy!

have a restful sunday, my friends

sue xx

have just noticed - Alice was actually struggling with a horrendous COLD, not fighting a big fish!!!!

stupid woman. (me, that is!)

My darling Sue, because I am having a 'cheery' day today I hope you don't mind me giggling at the best typo I have seen in ages ..... poor Alice - I know that actors have to deal with all sorts of things but ............. struggling with a horrendous COD ..... she deserves a medal!!!   lol. PS of course Alan is the proudest daddy, and Alice knows that.   Lots of love - Judi xxx

Thanks, Judi

a typo to be proud of!!

sue xx