My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Good morning and lots of love to all.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Good morning al

We've had several inches of snow since Thursday ; it's quite bizzarre, as there is none at all outside a radius of 2 miles - just our town!  nice and sunny today so hopefully it will all melt and go away.

had a marathon shopping day with my sister and niece yesterday; i nded up buying just a pair of jeans for alice, as i had to help the others carry their bags!  we have a 4-storey  Primark in bristol which acted like a magnet to my niece, and my sister wasn't far behind; the shelves needed restocking after they had blitzed them. my feet werre killing me after 6 hours shopping!

alice's pantomime is going brilliantly; it has done her the world of good to become involved with such a great bunch of people. She's now gone down with a stinking cold, which is a shame because she's got 2 more perfomances to go!!! Ah, well - it's tough at the top! my two little granddaughters went yesterday, and went up on to the stage to sing a song; they had dressed up for the occasion, and looked so sweet. alan would have been so very proud, especially of his Alice, his babe; he worshipped the ground she walked on.

have a good weekend, my friends

sue xx

Hi everyone xxx

Thanks for all your hugs and thoughts. I ve bounced back again today, too much time to think yesterday I think was the problem.

I had a lovely night with my friend, we had a good chat over a few glasses of rose. She was really close to Paul so we shared a few memories and laughs and a few tears too lol!!! I told her about meeting with all you lovely people and she thought it was a great idea as she said she couldnt even begin to understand what I ve (we`ve) been through these last months, how we ve got through it and how she would have coped. She s a good friend though and she was to Paul too.

Like Sue I m not dressed yet lol!! Oh well we re allowed a lazy day. I m going to get sorted now and do some tidying up then have a quiet day. The pantomime sounds great!!

Just had M I L on the phone, its her birthday on Thursday and she wants us to go for a meal with them. It is also the day Paul was told last year that there was no more treatment and that it had spread. They gave him 12 months maybe but he died 2 1/2 months later. Anniversaries!!! Liam and Nat are a bit apprehensive about the day and worried it will spoil Grandma`s birthday. A meal together will be nice x

Whats everyone else doing today?

Helen xxx

Hi Sue - I'm pleased to hear that Alice's panto is going so well - a shame that she has got cold though.  Hope you don't get it too........just in time for the new term!!!!!!!!!!!

The intrepid shoppers...........will Bristol ever recover???  And do they only shop when visiting you????  Must admit my S I L goes shopping-mad when she comes up here!!!!  There don't seem to be any retail outlets in Hereford...............just quaint little shops in quirky little alleyways!!!!!!!  I prefer Hereford!!!!!  Love and (((hugs)))  Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello all

Well I'm back on my own again, at least I can catch up on some sleep. Have had a nice G&T after two days abstinese!

Felt a little down this afternoon. I was thinking on my way home, there has not been one single day that I haven't travelled home from wherever and thought, may be it's all been a mistake. Why do we keep doing things like that to ourselves? Maybe when I go to sleep, I will wake up and find that perhaps I have been ill and have been on hallucinating mediaction. Why won't my brain accept that this is it now and he will never come back.... oh no tears again  :-(

I miss him so much.

Maybe I feel down because I have had a nice couple of days, it seems to hit you harder sometimes. It will be 5 months on Wednesday, I feel a fraud now saying my husband just died...... people think I mean yesterday or in the last month or so, not nearly half a year ago. Sometimes it doesn't feel any easier at all does it? I certainly don't miss or love him any less. I find myself thinking of things he used to do or say all the time, I miss them so much. If I said I wished this or that, he would always reply..... If wishes were horses beggars would ride! It's funny all the little things you miss. If funny is the right word.

Judi, your pic look fab', I bet Boy had a wonderful evening thanks to you.

Maybe I will post tomorrow when hopefully I feel a bit less down.  xx

Hugs to all xxx Lesley xxx

Dear Lesley - I don't know what to say to comfort or help you - so will just send you a big (((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) instead.....Love and more (((hugs)))  Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone,

Lesley, I don't know what to say to you either but I can promise you it does get easier.  It will be 8mths tomorrow since I lost Wully and while you think you haven't made any progress, every day we make a very very tiny bit of progress towards our new lives - whatever they may be.  We didn't choose this path but unfortunately it is the one that has been chosen for us.  I know what you mean about saying "i have just lost my husband", I was thinking that the other day as we speed towards the 1 year anniversary for me.

The only way I know I have made progress, and Lynne and I were just discussing this this morning, is that when something horrible happens that brings back the flood of bad memories we are able to have a good cry but then bounce back a bit quicker.  Not sure if I am making sense!  But for example, a few months ago if I had a bad day for whatever reason like the kids being upset or something it would take me ages to get back on an even keel and I would just tumble further into despair.  But now I am able to have a cry and then move on a bit quicker than I did normally.   I saw a hearse yesterday and I always get really upset when I see them as Wully's funeral was the 2nd worst day of my life (even now I struggle to put the picture in my head of the funeral director walking down our street in front of the hearse).  When I saw it yesterday I kind of had a moment, tears started and I started to panic a bit but it passed quicker than normal so I am hoping that means I am making "some" progress at least?  I hope anyway.  We will all make progress at different rates though so all I can do is send you some hugs and good thoughts and to let you know that we are all here for you.

Hope everyone else is doing okay.  I am having a very lazy day and night (and I still haven't finished washing the windows Lynne!!).

Off to do the wii fit now so that I can at least say I was semi-productive today!

Gayle xxx

Evening all

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages.  The party was a huge success, although a bit of panic earlier in the day as Aberdeen ground to a halt AGAIN due to blizzards, but by tea time it had subsided and Boy arrived in Aberdeen at 6pm (party starting at 7.30 so obviously oodles of time in his world!)

It was great fun and all the youngsters loved it, loads of food ... obsence amounts of booze were provided and if you could have seen his face when his step-sister from Dubai arrived and tapped him on the back - it was beautiful.  There were about 50 there in total (now you understand why I very graciously let the other parents host it!) and I left at around 12.45.  I was first to leave but had had a super time with no tears and didn't want to push my luck so came home a happy mum.  I 'believe' that it was around 5 this morning that Boy got home.  

Lesley hun, squashy Hig Bugs from me.  Gayle is absolutely right my darling, it is mostly about the idea that each time you get flattened again, the length of time to recover does lessen, and eventually also the 'knowledge' that you will feel a bit better again.  But I know exactly what you mean about feeling that hubby has 'just died' I still feel like that and it is 16 months.  Everything still feels very new and not right, but as I said, each month means that you get more used to coping with it, not 'more used to it' - I think there is a difference - I don't think we will ever 'get used to it'. 

As you can imagine a very lazy day for everyone today.  I went round at lunchtime to help clear up to find a dormitory load of students etc been fed a huge breakfast and the house looking normal again.  Boy on the other hand surfaced at around 3pm!  I had actually had three conversations with him, but it would appear he must have been sleeping though them all! 

Sue, a pair of jeans, a pair of jeans - you had better be careful what you say, Gayle and Lesley and Manda will have your guts for garter ....... pathetic!!  The panto sounds amazing.  My dad helps with the sets etc each year in their village and he loves it - he says it is the best fun he has all year, although lot of work.  Alice be will be shattered I imagine and that is why she is coming down with something.   When I worked in a school it was incredible how many of the staff used to come down with bugs on the last days of term, it is that old idea of coping when you have to and then your body saying "enough now".  I think we all understand that concept. 

Helen hun, glad that your friend came round, and in circumstances like that tears are exactly what is called for.  Good luck for Thursday hun, you will all manage I know.  Oh, and go and get your pencil case and satchel ready  .... school on Monday.   Ailsa, I hope that calendar still has two blank evenings for next week in it!!

Bren, I am glad that you enjoyed Montreal? - can't go back and check I have the right city!! Sometimes it can be a little hard when you return home, so make sure you are being good to yourself.  Patricia, I am DELIGHTED that you got a wee buzz when you got your outfit. ((((((  )))))).  Dave, as the others have said, you are doing an amazing job, Nic is undoubtedly just beaming with pride that she picked such a good 'un. Dottee, I hope that Alan' s medication has been adjusted to give a little respite hun.

Lynne, big kisses and thank you for your text.   I am very conscious of the time that I was completely focused on Ed and really didn't really think about anything else.  I know that Boy would disagree, but that's what makes him Boy.  I appreciated all the words to reassure me.  xxxxx

It seems to me that an awful lot of our penguins were in the pyjamas for most of the day - perfect!! 

Night night all - love to everyone.  Judi xxx

Lesley, everyone has offered such sound advice that there is nothing left for me to say. All I can do is offer you a shoulder to cry on and warm loving arms to fall into for a comforting hug. It is a long, hard and rocky road which is just like a roller coaster ride which just won't stop. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Judi, so glad the party went well. How lovely for you all.

Sue I hope alice recovers soon.

Earlier today I went with my sis, to visit dad . We could not getr through on the phone and no-one was in when we went to visit. Phone engaged all day so I got a bit worried. Ended up with my other sis having to come over to check he was ok because by that time I was at work and unable to leave to go check. He is fine, phone was off the hook. I bet he gives me what for tomorrow when I see him. Ahh well at least I can rest now knowing he is ok.

Well here I am at work and you will never believe what I have had to deal with. First a lady who'se husband died 14 months ago of lymphoma was in tears and talking to me about it. Then a lady who has just found out her mother has lymphoma and has been given a time scale of two months to live. Then after all that a lady who'se brother died of cancer two months after diagnosis and was buried last week. All theree of them had a good cry whilst tallking to me. Then a lady who was telling me all about the break up of her marriage and how she felt she would have coped better with breavement than desertion. Then we had a lady admitted who was sole carer for her husband who is recovering from bowel cancer. Can you believe that? I think i might change my title to 'she who has to listen to everyone else's problems whilst holding her own in check'.  I am hoping that it is not going to come back on me later. Ah well, only time will tell.

Everyone is settled at the moment so I am having a small 'break'.

I hope you all have a good nights's sleep and enjoy your Sunday.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Oh Patricia - what a night you've had..........listening to all that whilst holding yourself in check (I think?)......These ladies must not know of Mac???  And the love and ((hugs)) lavished on all of you that are grieving hereabouts????  Take good care of yourself.....  I'm amazed at the lady who would rather have been bereaved than deserted!!!  Does she know how hard bereavement is????

Pleased that your Dad was OK in the end!!  What a panic when there's no answer!!!!!  Was the phone accidentally off the hook - or was it deliberate??  And why didn't it 'beep' at him??  Ours makes a terrible racket when not put down properly!!!!  Still all's well...............

Hope you managed a 'small break' with no catastrophes???

Love and (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))  Dot xxxxxxxxxx