My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

I'm sure you all wait for me to go to bed before coming out to play, lol!. Three pages of posts.

About the dreams, like many of you said, I didn't have any dreams either for the first 3 months or so but then didn't sleep for longer than 2 hours at any one time. Since I was up all night when Rachel went into labour I have managed to more or less sleep through and have started to dream again. I don't dream about Colin anymore than I ever did though. Maybe what you all need to do to get back good sleep is have an 'all nighter'!

Judi, poor Joey, what did he do? Catface has not been out today, too snowy.

Welcome back Sue, glad you had a nice time in Cornwall, back to the grindstone on Monday!

Poor Rosemary, whoever it was that has her number, send her my love. x

I will probably send my mobile number via message on FB, it will only be seen by you, won't it? Then I can just type it once and add you all, if I can work out how to do it. I have Manda's but no-one elses

Just so you know, when you get my number, I am really rubbish at texting, I hate it. So don't think I am being rude it just takes me so long to do I get frustrated and send very short texts! I am much better at talking or e-mail.

I probably won't be on much today as my special little man is coming to stay. I love him so much and can't wait, I'm one very excited Grandma!!  :-)))

I feel so lucky to have you all as friends on here, have a good day all. xx

Good morning everyone.  I'm glad your up & about as early as me today Lesley.  I will pm my mobile number to you shortly but not expect too much on the text front!  It will be good to have our numbers for Newcastle (23 sleeps and counting !)

I actually have a little me time tonight - not a whole evening but a couple of hours!  I feel a lot more relaxed this morning.  I am still doing huge sighs but I feel more relaxed.  Going to go in search of some giggles at work if I can as that seems to work very well.  I am also not feeling quite so overwhemed by my thoughts of this time last year so I am going to make the most of that while it lasts.

Lesley enjoy having your grandson today and Judi - anything else to do for tomorrow or are you all done?

Good luck with the presentation Gayle - sorry I can't remember when it is?  You'll be fine with Judi in your corner!  Hope everyone has a good day.  Ailsa xx 

Good morning everyone, I have done a days work already. Tidied away yesterdays washing. Done the rest of the pile that was awaiting me yesterday and hung it up to dry. Tidied kitchen, swept floor. All before 6.30. Now starting on the 'pending' pile of paperwork which I have a tendency to throw to one side each dIay when it arrives through the post. I really will have to make myself concentrate for longer that a few minutes at a time.

Ailsa, I hope you are feeling less panicky today. I will let you know about that Friday when I get my work rota.

Lesley, have a good day. I have pulled a few allnighters but it has not helped with my sleep pattern. I rarely sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and quite often it is far less. I have been known to get by on 3 or 4 hours over the course of a few days.

Esme, I hope your back is feeling better this morning.

Have a good day everyone.

Glad you like the videos, eeeeaaawwwww eeeeeaaawwwww  eeeeaaawwww lol lol lol x x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning everyone xx

Thanks for your numbers everyone. If I get any decent jokes I ll send them too lol x Not the rude ones though!!!

You re all up soooo early x  Luckily on the whole I sleep better now. That was so hard at first not sleeping. Paul always said nothing would stop me sleeping...how wrong he was!!

Judi your `Rocky` scene made me laugh. Good luck Gayle with your presentation, sure Judi will `psych` you up for it! Judi also the party sounds like its going to be great. Plenty of pics please!

I m off to the gym this morning then going to see 3D avatar and going for tea with Nat later. Liam doesnt want to come as he is going to watch Liverpool. Can you blame him lol!

Ailsa hope your calmness stays and you have a few laughs at work today.

Love to everyone else, have a good day

Helen xxx

Hi everyone.  Hope you are all okay today.  Hope you enjoy 3D avatar as much as I did Helen.  I stayed calm all day today.  Didn't have as many laughs as I hoped for because some people had to work!!  How very dare they when I am in a mood for fun!

I sleep better now than I have slept for as long as I can remember.  I feel guilty saying that but I also know Chris would agree with me wholeheartedly.  Before Chris was ill he snored like a tank and often knocked me on the top of my head because he slept with his arms up!!  Bizarre picture conjured up now!  When he got ill he stopped snoring but still came over for cuddles all the time.  As he got more ill I woke everytime he moved, to see if he was okay.  I have used nytol to help me sleep through him for years.  When he first died I found it very difficult to sleep just like we all have but as time has gone by I sleep better now because no-one disturbs me.  I did a couple of all nighters last year but still don't seem to be dreaming.  Think I might just be trying too hard.

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Thank you all for your good wishes and kind thoughts for Sam.  My back has been a lot better today, although started ouching through the afternoon, now I've sat here reading the pages of postings(!) and can hardly move - TENS here I come!  I'm not sure what I have done but it started after cleaning Daniels mobile home (details another time) on Saturday and has just got worse since and was going into spasm yesterday (still having to muck out the horse and do all the million and one other things though) The only way of being comfortable is to lie down and that makes computing a bit tricky, so I have read through the lot, laughed at the penguin sounds (a bit like donkeys aren't they) laughed and cried with you all yet again and DRAGGED Dot into the middle of the huddle, you may be better at looking after people my love but that tends to be a cop out for letting go of your feelings - takes one to know one and most of us are the same, if you let go you may not get the control back, but you will and sometimes you just need to allow others to look after you a bit, we need to do it for you.  Ailsa I read about the 5 fives for relaxation the other day (did I post it here?) and it does help and might keep you calmer, basically 5 times a day (before meals, on waking and before bed) breath in deeply to the count of five, out to the count of five, five times - it should also renew your energy.  Lynne thank you for passing on the WAVE and for your lovely texts (Ailsa and Patirica too), I only have those three mobile numbers will send you a Facebook message everyone else, can't make the meet up (getting very jealous now) but don't want to be cut off down here in the south so will have to keep in touch with you all - mobile phone photos please! 

Right got to go before I can't move at all, love to you all and hugs to everyone xxxxxxxxxx

Evening girls - well all jokes about my laundromat aside (see my carrying on thread...) I have found my release today!  This morning I received a CD (called 'Smile' by moomy's daughter Caz - the official launch is next week) in the post - I couldn't wait to listen to it..............As I listened to it I was so overcome by emotion that I started sobbing and just couldn't stop.......I had huge rivers of tears running down my face...........In all this lasted for about 15 minutes.  My thoughts were of Alan, Caz and all our Mac-friends - sufferers, carers, those left behind..... Now that my eyes have finally stopped leaking - because every time I thought of the music I began to cry again - I feel I can cope again and am at peace!!!!!! Love and (((hugs))) to you all  Dot xxxxxxxx

Dot I also recieved that CD today. I know what you mean because it brought many memories to me and made me think of how brave Caz is and how lucky I am that my own kids are so helathy. Take care dear Dot x x x

Rosemary, so sorry you are having so much pain. Just not fair is it x x x

Ailsa, how dare people want to actually work when you feel like playing. How rude lol x x x

Gayle I have done that registration for you x x x

Hope everyone is ok x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi Everyone, Just a quick post before i go to bed, i never sleep well and i get so tired some days but i have tried everything to help me sleep some nights i get to sleep not bad but waken on and off all night and some nights i can't get to sleep and see every hour on the clock. Gayle i reg for you. I have been off work today so went and done some shopping with Kim and Charlie. No job for Darren yet not going to be easy to get something around here. I managed to get a penguin puppet today i am so pleased with it and i have it packed in my holdall for our meet. Not to long now on the count down. Hope you are all doing ok and i send luv and hugs to you all, but i better get off to bed now as working in the morning. Fiona xxxxx  

Hi everyone

Rosemary, really sorry about your back - I have only once had a bad back but it was HORRIBLE, that feeling that no matter what postion you are in it is sore.  Hugs (but not too tight) to you.  I now have got quite a few numbers in my mobile - it's great.  I am not really much good at texting, but promise to keep in touch and can't wait until 13 to send a BIG text to say, "just walking into hotel now".

Ailsa I am glad that you day has been a bit better hun, well done you.  I think that maybe your brain has got on top of this and will eventually win over the funny breathing.   Dottee, music can do that, suddenly a complete and total release of all emotions - very exhausting but hopefully quite cleansing.  Love to you and Alan, and the new washing machine - I did notice that Sue and Patricia had baggsied first shot, I am jsut going to wait patiently for my 'shottie'!

Day started badly and expensively ... Joey's sore foot became a 'I only have three legs and if you even try and touch my foot I will scream like a stuck pig' so a trip to the vet and a pain killer injection and antibiotics and ninety-seven pounds later I am home with a very sad hound.  It is all the grit and sand that we still have here from the snow, he has a 'dodgy paw' and sometimes a piece lodges right inside a pad, he doesn't realise and it gets infected and then everyone realises cos he tells us.  So no long walks for a week or two while we wait to see if they need to do a small op.  Kat has to go everywhere with Joe so the two of them are just 'resting' now.

That has meant I have not made the chocolate mousse I was going to - but I have a feeling that the kids won't mind as long as there are a few 'small sherries' for them to enjoy.  I may not be able to get online much tomorrow as i think I may be busy - but you know I will think of you all. 

Am going to try for an early night, so speak tomorrow - or if not then difinitely Saturday. 

Thank you so much for all your encouragement the last few months, tomorrow is a big occasion for me, my Boy being 21.  Don't know where the years have gone, so much has happened, and it almost feels like the end of an era.  I know that must sound odd or sad, because it is just a birthday.  But he really is a man now, so it just all feels quite 'new and different'.  New job soon, forced independence, Boy into a Man ........... no.......... he will always be Boy to me!  Anyway, just a lot of emotion I think.   But I will make sure that the party is good for him.  He deserves it.   Rather than me being a good mum it is him that has been a good and incredibly understanding son for the last few years while my focus was elsewhere - I just want to let him know I appreciate it. 

night all - Judi xxxx