My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dear Gayle, glad to see you posting. I have every admiration for you. Such a brave young lady. You have had so much to deal with already in your young life and more upset is something you really do not need. Sending special ((((((hugs)))))))) for you.

Wow going to see Paul McKenna, lucky you. Could you not get a friend to go with you if your sister can't go?

As you say though, perhaps a little time on your own would be good for you. I expect you don't manage much of that these days. Maybe one of the ladies on here might be able to meet with you at some point over the weekend if they are free. (perhaps I have gone too far now with my "helpful" suggestions).

Anyway, take care hun and hope mum is feeling better soon (I think I missed something somewhere along the line - sorry).

Love and angeo hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone xx

Lynne well done on your conversation with SD, glad you feel more settled with her x

Gayle glad you feel bit better today xx and hope you get to Paul McKenna x

Manda that story is lovely, like you say we doubt signs we get but need to believe them more x

Judi, cant wait to hear how it went x

Not had the best day today. been really down after my over indulgence on Saturday . Had a good chat with myself and been to the gym tonight so here`s to healthy living!! Dont need to feel like that, felt like I d knocked myself right back and don`t want to go back there x

Sorry, moan over. Meeting up with Paul and my friends from school tonight for next planning stage of the charity night in Paul`s memory. Cant believe it`s only just over 3 months away!!

Love to everyone else, hope your Monday has been ok

Helen xxx

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for all your go get 'em wishes.  I tried, honest.  Thankfully it was a quite informal interview and most importantly I DIDN'T CRY!!! This is real progress for me because normally when I have to do anything new that I feel has only come about because Ed is not here I don't seem to be able to stop tears coming.  It was actually a real worry I had, but it didn't happen.  I was in for about 45 minutes and if I say I think it went well, I do not mean that I think I got the job, I mean that I think I did the best I could, and I am happy about that.  The are interviewing another four this week (really, is it necessary!!!!) and I should hear back by the end of next week.  But I am feeling much more confident about the the whole thing now, so know that if this job isn't meant for me, so be it, the right one will come along.  

PS I even managed not to interrupt, which I am prone to do when I think "yes, okay I have got the point, I understand - move on now!!"

Hope everybody has had as good a day as possible, you have no idea how often I thought of you guys as I was waiting to be led into the lions den!!

Judi xxx

Well done, Judes - as lon as you are happy that you did your best, thast's ll that matters.

napoleon is ready to step in if the interviewers do not treat you as befits a chief penguin.

sue xx

Evening All, Hope you are doing ok tonight, i caught up with all the posts, but afraid my memory will not store all the imformation and i need to learn to start and jot it all down as i am reading it. Kim and me had a very weepy day today when she came in this morning she burst in to tears and said she misses her dad so much and wishes things could go back to when he was well, and one thing led to another and i broke down and said i feel guilty at not making him go and see the doctor sooner, and i should have realised he was losing weight, and we ended up going through his last few days and saying we wished we had said this and done that, but all to late now. I have been out see her tonight to see she is ok. I suppose we will always have days like this.Well i better get off to bed as working in the morning Luv and Hugs to you all Fiona xxxxxxxx 

Hi everyone.  Monday is my usual late night I'm afraid.  Been to the dentist, pilates and the supermarket & now it is nearly bedtime.  hey ho!!

First - Dot you are absolutley right about my RFL dates.  I wrote it donw correctly on my notebook & then transferred it to my diary incorrectly.  Pontefract RFL is on the 13th June.  I think I may be doing York on  27th June with some people from Chris's work.  I was planning on doing Pontefract on the 13th June but now it seems that as I work in Wakefield my work colleagues may want to do Wakefield on 23rd May instead.  I think we will try to sort it out this week.

Manda I was so enthralled with your 'glass' experience.  I want so much to get some sort of sign from Chris but nothing so far.  I don't even dream about him although he was in the background of one of my dreams.  Bren I hope you cold will not get too bad and you shake it off quickly.  Well done Lynne saying what you needed to to your SD.  I'm so pleased you didn't allow yourself to get cut short and not say what you were meaning.  Sorry you had such a bad weekend Gayle but it is so lovely to hear from on here today.  I would be tempted to go see Paul Mckenna on my own and have some 'me' time if I was you.  Helen I read on FB that you have another planning meeting for your charity fundraising evening in Paul's memory.  It sounds like you are really getting there with the plans so i am sure it will be a great night.  I have my fingers crossed for you Judi - you did really well.

I had a bit of a wobble this evening but I have put it behind me for tonight at least.  I went to the dentist for the first time since Chris died.  I encouraged Chris to go along for a check up and a filling in October 2008 when I thought he was on the road to recovery so it was hard to go back there tonight.  I ahd put it off long enough as I have alwasy kept on top of my dental appointments.  I have never had a tooth pulled and we always laughed that I would be such a chicken if I ever needed that to happen.  Anyway there appeared to be no problems but as my teeth have been fine for so long he decided to do a routine x-ray.  The x-ray showed I have a leaky filling which will get fixed next month but it also showed a mark on a wisdom tooth.  He wants me to go to the hospital for further x-rays and says they may decide to pull it.  I totally paniced.  I haven't been near the hospital since before Chris died and am really worried about going but I also realise that I have only been so brave about dental work all these years but I hardly ever need anything done.  The very idea that they may want to pull my first tooth when I haven't got Chris to watch out for me terrifies me.  I really am not sure how I am going to do this.  My son and my Mum & Dad will probably offer to come with me and I will accept but this whole thing just rubs it in even more that without Chris I am just scared of things.  I thought I was doing so well but really I just need Chris.

Anyway - thanks for letting me get that off my chest.  I am going to go to bed and see if I feel any less scared of it tomorrow - it isn't even definately going to happen!  Ailsa xxx

ailsa, Helen, fiona, gayle sorry you are all feeling so down at the minute. It seems like it is one step forward and 10 stepsback at times doesn't it. This week is a difficult one for me but I have to get over that. It is just memeories of 'the beginning of the end' and I hate to think about that but it is at the forefront of my mind at the moment.

Ailsa, let us hope that all your worry is for nothing and they don't decide that extraction is the best option.

Fiona, it is tough when you start thinking of all the if's and and's regarding our loved one's illnessess. Wondering whether we should have noticed the signs earlier or  made them go to the doctor sooner. we are only human and do not have supernatural powers which allow us to predict such things. I wish I had noticed things earlier but there were no specific signs except tiredness but we were both feeling very tired and so we just thought it was that we had been overdoing things. I feel bad about that because had I realised I would have sent him to the doctor sooner. As it is I had to beg him to go because we thought he had a chest infection. Such a shock to find he had advanced and inoperable lung cancer. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but not very helpful.

Sue, you are very quiet but I just know you are hurting and I want to send you extra special ((((hugs)))). You are such a support to everyone else but hide yourself away in a corner when you feel vulnerable. I guess that is your safe place and I respect that but please remember we are all here for you too.

Judi, well done on making it throught the interview. Surely they know they have already interviewed the best person for the job.

I am at work now and just taking advantage of a settled moment to catch up on the latest news on here. I cannot believe that it is already 26th January. Pretty scarey eh? I have been trying to keep myself busy to stop myself from thinking about things too much. Once I start tto think I get upset so best not to do it.

Well my dear friends, I hope that when you wake up you are all feeling a little more upbeat and have a better day.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Very odd, I know I did a post last night, I remember typing it but it isn;t here!  I knew Facebook was playing me up and gave up on that last night (and today) but where oh where did my post-it go??

Judi congratulations on getting through the interview and no weepies or interruptions too - go that penguin!  Fingers crossed they come back with the right answer.

Patricia big hug for you, I spent most of the last year going back over the "this time last year" scenario's from the day we got the first hint of trouble, through the diagnosis and onwards, some things I coped with better than others.  I don't seem to be doing it anymore except that I am trying not to think that tomorrow it will be a year ago that we had Steve's funeral, but it isn't something to celebrate or remember so I think I am trying to push it out of  the memory files - having said that he had a blooming good send off, loads of people, a big American Cadillac to take him to the crematorium, a wonderful service with his special songs and a darned good "do" afterwards at a pub he would have be so at home in.  There, I'm NOT going to cry and I don't have to remember it again.  So what I am trying to say is be kind to yourself, listen to what you are telling Sue and the others, remember, be sad but let it flow away and not hurt you anymore, Ray is there smiling quitetly and wishing he could take away the pain, wanting you to remember the good times now. xxxxx

Do we have any computer literate techno geniuses here?  I need to know if Microsoft Word can read Microsoft Works documents when I get my floppy disk reader and upload half a novel I tried to write.  I am planning to try and get back to it and finish it and then..... ha ha ha.... try and get it published.  I might however re-read it and decide it is total rubbish, but hey, there are loads of rubbish books out there so why don't they just sell mine too?  Knowing my luck though I am going to have to re-type the whole thing as it won't reformatt, we will see......

Hugs to you all (I hope this one makes it to the page) xxxxxxx

Yay it worked!  Forgot to say a big hug to Ailsa, Gayle, Helen and Fiona, and all of you that need to be shepherded to the middle for a while, thinking of you and sending love and fluffy penguin cuddles xxx

I am no techno head but was going to say that yes I think it will work Rosemary, then I read your next post.  As I was going to be the one to help you (even though you didn't need it) can I be first to read your book please, if you care to read back just a few pages you will see that I was complaining that I had nothing to read ....... so pleeeaaaassse.  Cadillac huh - good for you hun. 

I as also having massive problems with Facebook, it get to the log in page and then sign in, it sort of disappears for a few minutes and then nothing for ages and then I get a web unavailable notificiation page.  But if I try later on and am successful it says I have been logged in for hours.... very confusing.

I am sitting upstairs and I can see my back lane and garage, which some very nice white van man has been completely blocking by parking across the whole thing and my gate, about three inches away.  It is the fifth time in a couple of weeks so I have left a 'politely worded' notice on his windscreen.  If that doesn't work I am going to send a 'tooled up' Napolean to let his tyres down!

I am sorry that so many of my chums are having a hard time.  I seem to be going through a quietly sad, reflective period - which is easier to cope with, so am sending all my excess copability (is there such a word) through the cyber space to you all. 

Speak soon everyone - Judi xxx