My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Wise words indeed Judi, you listen to your aunty Sue... and also totally agree on being Paddington, with the temperatures at the moment that looks like a very sensible outfit.

Darn it I can't remember for the life of me what I was going to write.... will be back later xxxxx

Hi.  Sue I am sure I can't say anything that will change how you feel so I will send you lots of ((((((((hugs)))))))).  You couldn't have done anything else and Alan knew that and loved you for it.  Ailsa xxx 

Hello all

Patricia. thanks for telling me about angels, i hope you don't think i was asking you to justify yourself, i am just interested, i wish i could believe wholeheartedly in something. i am having a bad day today and have already cried so many time i cant count, why i dont know, nothing different from any other day. i feel so overwhelmingly sad, it sounds like i am not alone either. i got dressed this morning, then 2 hours later put my pjs back on, dont quite know what to do with myself, keep thinking of  the things we will never do together again. like seeing that wonderful smile on his face when he caught a fish or holding hands while out walking. Oh, i cant bear it. i ended up putting on one of his favourite songs, he loved music, it was one that he wanted at his funeral, castles in the air by don mclean, i have cried and cried, maybe we just need to sometimes. i cant imagine how my life is going to get better, i felt i had perfection with colin, nothing felt lacking, we were so happy and content.

I so wish i could turn the  clock back to the time before he got ill and then for that scenario not to happen.

hugs and empathy to all of you feeling down like me just now and kisses to ailsa for managing to feel a bit more positive.  xxxx

Oh Judi, nearly forgot, good luck for tomorrow, make sure you tell us all about it when you get back. xx

Afternoon everyone

Lesley bug higs xxx sorry you re having a hard day but like you say you need to go with it sometimes xx

I m having one of those days too but self inflicted!! Had a good night out but over did it and feeling sorry for myself today. I need a chat with myself!!  I stayed out longer than I planned but nothing to make me come home I suppose!

Judi good luck tomorrow.

Sue sending you bug higs too xxx We all did all we could for our loved ones but couldnt do the one thing we all wanted , to keep them here with us x Oh dear, here come the tears xxx

I need to shake myself and do some ironing. Hope everyone else is ok today

Helen xx

Hi All

Lesley and Sue, I think we all have times like this.  It just seems to hit out of the blue, at least for me.  I think I am doing well and then all of a sudden can't stop crying and focus on Dan's last weeks or when he first got ill and feel just horrible.  Then slowly, slowly I start to pick myself up again.  Sue don't ever feel guilty (I know it is easy to say), you did everything for him.  I often feel that if I had known the end would come so soon, I should never have worked in September but spent all my time with Danny, but we didn't know, we couldn't know.   Just know that we all care about you, get in the middle of the huddle and we will keep you safe.

I am not too bad today but feel a cold coming on and am fighting it, don' twant to be sick.  My friend is turning 60 next week so I am taking her out for brunch.  Funny that all my friends are getting old now, I must find some younger ones.  I find it so hard to get out of bed every morning but once I get started, I keep going most days.  I will have to take the dog for a walk first, it is supposed to rain here today which is very odd for January.  I do find weekends hard, last weekend I didn't see anyone I know.   Everyone I know is also talking about how great Avatar is, I would like to see it but will have to find someone to go with now, Dan was my movie partner.  Anyway I guess I am doing as well as I can be for now.  There is not a second goes by that I don't think about Danny and talk to him most of the time too.  Patricia I do believe in angels too and will try to read that book.  My cousin teaches about angels but she is far away from here.  She says to ask the angels to sit on your car when driving to protect you, I have done that and hopefully it helps.

wishing you all , the best day you can have

bren

Sue, I have been so worried about you. You have been very quiet just lately. The thoughts you are having seem to be universal. I too have often wondered could I have done anything differently. The simple answer is that nomatter what we did the progression of th eillnewss was going to take it's toll. We can beat ourselves up from now to eternity but it will not change the fact that we were there for our dear husbands(wife) and had completely no control over the sequence of events. it is a cruel and unrelenting illness and cares not for anyone or anything it touches. So my dear Sue, try to be kind to yourself for once. It is so hard to let these awful images and memories go but we have to try to bury deep in the dark recessess of our minds and replace them with happier ones. Easy to say but not so easy to do. Alan looks like a man who was very understanding and I am sure that he would not want you to have these terrible feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I am sending special (((((hugs)))) to you at this difficult time in your life.

Lesley, what you describe about how you feel at not being able to do things any more with Colin is exactly how I feel. We have all been robbed of our dear partners and the time that should have been ours to share together. It is almost 11 months since my dear Ray passed and I still have the most horrendous times when I just cry for no explicable reason. this time it has been going on for 4 weeks. (ever since we entered 2010).  As for the angels, I didn't think you were trying to make me justify myself at all. I appreciate that you just wanted to understand. Unfortunately I think it is very hard to unbderstand that faith (even for me who has it).  Take care Lesley and I hope your arm is soon improved (((((hugs)))))

Judi, good luck for Monday (not that you will need it). Just go out there and have faith in yourself. We have faith in you so you must too. (((((hugs)))))

Helen, hope you feel better soon (self inflicted or not). I'm bringing my ironing over for you so get yours done quickly lol.

Love and hugs to everyone else, I hope your Sunday is going as well as you would like it to.

I will just ask you all to give a little thought for a young man called Robert (my sister's ex bro-in-law) who lost his fight with lung and bone cancer at 11.30 last night. He was only 39 years old. I have been to mass today and could only just contain my tears at the injustice of this godforsaken illness. I hoped that 2010 was going to be a little better but yet again my family has been touched by great sadness. And so it goes on......... leaving destruction in it's relentless wake.

So sorry for that very negative piece but I just had to let it out.

Soooo.....Sue and Lesley, stop struggling and get yourselves into the middle of the penguin huddle. You need to TLC and you are going to get it whether you like it or not. (Ask aunty Judi).

Sue is you could go as Wendy from Peter Pan and wear a nightie. It would save you getting ready for bed when you got home lol. 

Love and angel hugs for you all x x x Patricia x x x

Dear Bren, our post have crossed. I hope you find a movie partner although there is nothing to stop you going alone. I sometimes make theatre visits on my own. Hope the weather picks up for you.

I talk to Ray all the time. I must seem crazy but I don't care. It is good to talk and tell them how we feel. I have a friend who's husband died about 13 years ago and she still talks to his picture especially when thigs are not going quite as they should be.  How lovely that you too belive in angels. I bought my very first crystal angel in Canada in Niagara on the Falls. That angel was with me all through Ray's illness and the first weeks after he died but she has disappeared now but I have no idea where. Hopeully she is with someone who needed her more x x

take care Bren.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Afternoon all -  So sorry I've not been here to give much needed ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you all...........but I have been struggling with long ago memories for the past week or so!!  Not sure if I'm totally out of the woods yet - but I can see the end of the tunnel again!!!  Hang on to me all in need of a guide to find their way there - together we can do it!!!!  Patricia - I found some angel outline stickers for making Christmas cards but so far have not used them........they are beautiful and I don't have the heart to put them onto cards...........I may have to make a picture and hang it on my bedroom wall instead!!!  I'm off for a look round - maybe back later.......

Love and ((((((((hugs))))))))) to comfort you all 

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Just keep breathing, and talking. Talking is good.