My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all, hope you are having a good evening.

Esme I got the tidying done but then watched a film (naughty me). I have been round to dad's to help him get onto the website where he has his email account. It was very confusing but we got there in the end. Poor thing, he was exhausted by the time I left lol. He has just signed up to the internet...  what an amazing guy he is. I am in awe of him.

Today it is a year to the day since Ray was admitted to hospital with a massive pleural effusion. He had 2,300mls of fluid in his lung and had to have a chest drain fitted. That was the beginning of the end for him. I hadn't realised until this evening the significance of the date and since then I can't stop thinking about that awful day. It is not  a time I ever realy think about but somehow it is at the forefront of my mind this evening.

Take care everyone and be good to yourselves x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Good evening everyone.  Patricia this is a very difficult time for you if you start to think too often of how ill Ray was this time last year.  I hope some ((((((hugs)))))) will help a little.  Chris was really struggling in January last year.  He had been finding things more and more difficult since late December and he was sent for an MRI scan in January because a lump in his groin was becoming more and more troublesome.  We knew something was wrong when they phoned and asked him to go for a CT scan as well before he went back for the MRI results.  We got the results of both scans on the 11th Feb & it wasn't good news.  Like you, I try very hard not to think too much about it but it is not easy to ignore either is it?  Sounds like your Dad is doing well trying to get to grips with the internet.  Sometime after the 10th April will be good for me so we will organise it as soon as you get back.  It will only take us a day to sort out once you are back home.

I have had a little smile reading the posts from last night with the wine & hot chocolate.  Sounds lovely.  I posted when I got home from my night out but then I went off to bed as I was quite tired after my afternoon & evening out.

The penguin parade was funny Judi.  As soon as I finish this post I am going to have a look at the penguin jumpers.  Sorry about your car Gayle - sounds like you had a bad day.

I have been to see Avatar in 3D with Stu & Suzanne this evening.  I think it might just be the best film I have ever seen.  It is a bit long so my bum went numb!  Nevertheless it definately is a very good film.  Found myself a little tearful at the end though - wanted to turn the clock back a year and go and live on Pandora.  If anyone has watch the film they might understand why.

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Evening everyone

Fiona, if it's not too late I would LOVE a chocky biscuit.  I have searched and searched all the cupboards and can't find a single piece of chocolate anywhere!  Personally I think Gayle snaffled it last night while I was singing along to Could it Be Magic!!  And please don't worry, I promise I won't sing in Newcastle!

You know what Lynne and Gayle, don't think of a day on the sofa as a wasted day - it is a day recharging the batteries, and occasionally that is exactly what is needed.  It has been miserable and raining here today, so apart from a couple of wet walks I haven't done much. 

I love the penguin 'stuff', Patricia the link you put up had 100s of different things, I spent nearly an hour just oohing and aahing!  As someone else has already said the days of a baggy jumper and leggings went for me about twenty-five years ago, so funny how all these things come round again isn't it.  I remember going out in a lacy blouse, a very fetching ra-ra skirt, thick tights and pixie boots and thinking I looked the bees knees!!!!

Ailsa I haven't seen Avatar, I normally prefer to watch films at home, but LOVE 3D effects so may have to make an exception - and thanks for the hint - I will take a cushion.   Fiona, glad that you have heard from Darren, difficult isn't it, because I am sure that a ibt of you would love to have him home sooner, but then the proud mum wants him to experience as much as he can. 

Am off to have an earlier than normal night, speak to you tomorrow.

Love to each and everyone - Judi xx

Hi All, hope everyone is well...

Just wanted to do a quick post before I go back to read and catch up with everyone's posts...

Ailsa, H and I went to see Avatar today too - and i completely understand what you mean! I was in free-flow tears mode by the end of the film.

I think for us, bedise the obvious, it was so meaningful because Miles beliefs were very much along the 'circle of life' theme, and he had become such a supporter of conservation projects in the last few years - a total turn around from the person he used to be. He particularly supported the protection of the rainforests, so much so that his choice of 'box', the one I tried so hard to find, features a 'tree of lif'e' design. The colours of the characters were perfect, as was the scenery... it was just like something that Miles would have imagined, and then painted in his perfect, over the top way... He would have loved it...

Back soon, Manda xx

Good morning everyone.  I slept well again last night but still marvel at my capacity for sleep.  I can only assume that like so many of the rest of you, I haven't slept properly for so long, while Chris was ill and then after he died, that it would probably takes months of 'good nights' to make me feel anything like revived.  However I feel good this morning so that should mean a busy, productive day.

Manda glad you enjoyed Avatar as well.  I have calmed down from my tears now.  Despite me saying I was tearful at the end I would thoroughly recommend it.  Remember Judi's advice and take a cushion but like Judi I usually say I prefer DVDs.  I think it was actually years of Chris's shifts and singing not fitting in with going to the cinema.  I have been to the cinema a few times recently and seen good and bad films.  I still like to watch DVDs at my own pace at home but this one is a 'cinema' one.  It sounds from your poat Manda that Miles painted.  Chris liked to paint as well.  I always knew he could paint and draw but when the kids were little he never really did it.  He started doing it a few years ago and I have his paintings on the walls around the house.  What did Miles like to paint?

Now see here - I thought my memory was getting better and I could post without making notes this morning!!  Wrong!!  While I have been typing I have already forgotten anything else so I will try again later with my pen & paper.  Have a good day everyone.  Ailsa xx

Good morning, everyone

it's a really beautiful morning here in the southwest - frosty and sunny and the white stuff has gone at last.

haven't posted  a lot lately as it's been a dark place, but i think and hope the light is flickering at the end of the tunnel. Maybe when january is over.......

Been very busy at school - lots of evening activities, plus the theatre visit, to celebrate book fortnight. i have to dress up as a charater from a traditional tale on Friday - ideas, please. Judi, keep them within the realms of reason!

still feel nmb, with the broken heart rearing its ugly head; it just seems to get harder. I keep reliving the last week or so of Alan's life, and it won't go away - I don't suppose it ever will. Could I have done more? should I have been more aware of what was happening?

I'll never know, and that's what bugs me.

love to all

sue xx

see what i mean? everything goes wrong!!

Morning all, but especially lovely Sue.

No darling, it won't go away - but in a while it will go back to being a little deeper inside and not quite so much 'at the surface'.  You did absolutely everything that was possible, you were with him every step, he knows how much you love him and he knows that you would have given everything and anything to change it.  Like a rolling sea you seem to be in a trough right now, but just like waves you will come up again.  So just concentrate on that flickering light - cos it will get brighter again - it never goes out - it is just damn hard to see sometimes. 

I currently have only one suggestion for Friday, and it may be that my idea of traditional is not quite right.  But I think:

1. Duffel Coat

2. Wellington Boots

3. Bashed old hat

4. Marmalade sandwiches (stored under said hat) and a flask of hot chocolate (Mr Gruber's favourite)

5. Big luggage label that says "Please look after this Sue Bear"

In my opinion there is no one to beat Paddington........ unless it is Winnie the Pooh ..... but I really don't think you should go to school with a honey pot stuck on your head!

Huge hugs to you - Judi xxx

Thank you, Judi - words of wisdom and sound advice!

sue xx