My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

hello all

well have been out for a little drive round today, felt a bit awkward but managed ok, just makes my arm ache a little but hopefully that should stop soon. Can also write again, is untidy but readable, so am writing to col' again in my journal  :-)

I'm going to go back to work on Monday, I have two weeks part time then one full week then off for half term, lol!

I've been a bit up and down this week but at least I seem to have started to sleep through most nights, I'm so glad because that was horrible, waking every couple of hours, heart pounding etc.

Well Rachel, Dave and Daniel are coming for dinner tonight, a nice curry and Rachel is even cooking it! Still finding it hard to chop things, am a dab hand at ready meals now though  ;-p

Hope everyone is OK, will be thinking about Manda, Gayle and Dave tomorrow, hoping that your day goes well. xxx

Love to everyone else xxx

Good for you Lesley to attempt to be driving, you are getting your independance back.  Gayle, Dave and Manda I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you all get through the day as well as you can.  Seems to be an up and down time for all of us.  I am going through the motions, getting to work and not feeling like I am accomplishing much there but at least I get there every day.  Then home to an empty house and a 'what do I do now?' I do find it very hard to get up in the mornings and get moving.  So just getting through each day, one at a time, I find having the two trips to look forward to helps and trying to plan activities just to keep busy.  It will be three months next Wednesday since I lost my Dan and I miss him so much, just want my life back and I know that is not possible.  I can't think of creating a new life without him, not yet anyway. 

So hoping all of you are having a better day today.

Bren

Hi everyone.  I found myself feeling realy anxious to come on and say hello while I was at work to so it is nice to be here this evening.  I had my shopping trip to Meadowhell last night after work and bought Becky a nice necklace for her birthday.  I will take it to her next weekend.  That is a lovely idea Patricia, for you, Lynne & I to meet there.  We should sort something out.  Do you fancy doing it soon or when it is a little warmer?  What do you think Lynne?

I went to the pictures as well last night so I managed to cram loads into the day.  I was really down on Tuesday when I stayed home and watched TV so 'busy' clearly works for me.

51 sleeps to go!!

Patricia we are likely to meet up at various times on the 13th March.  I get into Newcastle at 12:33 but Lynne will have been there since 11:30 so we are planning on meeting up as soon as I get there.  Gayle is picking Fiona up on the way so they will meet each other much earlier.  I'm not sure when Judi, Manda, Helen & Lesley are due in..

Good luck with the job hunt Judi.  Have you still got snow Sue?  I think I would be very fed up if it showed up here again for a while.  I'm glad you have been able to drive again Lesley and write in your journal to Colin.  I'm sure you will be properly fixed again soon.  Enjoy your meal tonight.  How was Darren in his email Fiona?

Manda it is tough when you notice all the special days that have gone by since our loved ones were here.  I noticed the same thing on Becky's birthday - we had all had birthdays since Chris died in May - and that just made it seem like such a long time sonce I had last seen him.  I will be thinking about you tomorrow on your birthday.  Try to let others spoil you a bit.  Have you & H got anything planned.  Special thoughts and hugs to Gayle for Wully's birthday tomorrow and to Dave for Nic service tomorrow as well.  I will be thinking about you both ((((((bug higs))))))x

I think I will be doing the 'sitting on the edge' thing at gatherings tomorrow.  I am going out for lunch and a few drinks with people from work because two of them have birthdays.  I think it is getting easier to go along to these things but I still don't join in like I used to do.  Nevermind, so long as they keep asking me along I'm sure it will get better with time.

Hi Bren - are you still snow free over there?  Best get on with something.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hello All, thanks for your well wishes for tomorrow. As it is my 40th everyone is wanting to make a big deal of it for me, but to be honest I would just as soon stop at home with a pizza and a  film... They think it's because I am dreading being 40 - which of course I couldn't really care less about at all - I just don't see the point in my birthday without Miles.... Anyway, going out for a meal with a few old friends who won;t mind if I have a total meltdown!

The train that Lesley and I will be on gets to newcastle just after 2pm and I think we are going to arrange to meet Judi at the station... It's nice to have something to look forward too isn't it! xx

Evening all , First of all , i'll be thinking of you Gayle on Wullys birthday , hope your ok hun and like the rest of us i hope that the actual day isn't as bad as the build up xx Amanda , what can i say , i know it wont be a happy birthday but we will all be thinking about you and what ever you decide to do , i'm sure Miles will be with you xx Dave , take care and i hope tommorow goes as well as it can for you and your lovely family xx     Lesley well done on getting back to driving so soon , and to go back to work , i'll take my hat off to you xx Esme , do those capseles help you sleep , i dont thonk i'm depressed but i'd love a few hours uninterupted sleep xx Judi good luck with the job hunting but dont forget your work here is not done yet lol , i dont know if we can spare you full time xx

Ailsa good idea of Patricia;s to meet at meadow hell oops hall , if you wanted to meet in the week i would put a days holiday in from work , better than the weekend i think , its far to busy . Patricia , have you said if you can come on the meet or not hun , if you decided you would probably get on the same train as either me or Ailsa xx

 Sue , how are you doing , has the snow gone again now , we've not had any more thank goodness , i've even been working in shirt sleeves today for a while xx Fiona hope you are getting lots of contact with Darren xx Bren , i know what you mean by what now ? i say it everyday , i've not found the answer yet , maybe we'll get an answer one day xx

Helen , have you managed the gym this week , any plans for the weekend cidergirl xx

 I've had a busy couple of days and been really late in from work , i think everybody is catching up with their appointments that they missed through the snow xx

Take care xx Lynne xxxx

Evening everyone xx

I can only echo my thoughts for Gayle, Amanda and Dave for tomorrow xxx Hope it goes as well as it can for all of you.Gayle have a drink or 2 for Wully xx, Manda do what you want to pass your birthday, Miles would want you to enjoy it as best you can xx Dave, hope everything is as you want it tomorrow xx

I was thinking the other day and I think I have passed all the first birthdays and anniversaries since Paul died. Where has the time gone? Some easier than others but we ve done it xx

Lynne I went to the gym on Tuesday and plan to go after work tomorrow, in the meantime have been eating choccy. What s that all about lol!! Defeating the object of the gym but hey!! Yes I m going out with a friend on Saturday who is also partial to a cider or 2 so should be fun!! Not sure if we`re out in the afternoon or evening......or both lol!!! You out this weekend?

I m going to go and look at sat navs on line so I can find my way to Newcastle. I m not sure what time I will get there, will plan to arrive the same time as most of you xx

Good idea for you all to meet up shopping, have fun xx

Sue how are you and work? I ve been on a food hygiene course this afternoon, 2nd part next Thursday, head spinning with facts for test next week!!

Thinking of you all and sending bug higs ((((())))))

Helen xxx

Hi Helen , i'm out tommorow night with a couple of friends , so i'm expecting to suffer a little on sat lol . Go for the all dayer on sat , cant beat em even tho i've not done one for a while lol , Good luck with the food hygene course . I signed up for the race for life in july again so might try and get a bit fitter so i can actulaly jog some of the way lol .  Lynne xxx

hi, all

had a wonderful trip to the theatre today with the whole school to watch Kneehigh Theatre company's production of Hansel and Gretel. It was brilliant.

They're off on tour now, so if you get a chance, they are well worth watching.

sue xx

Evening everyone.

Lynne ......... shirt sleeves ..... shirt sleeves ..... what is wrong with you woman!  It is taking me about 15 minutes to get dressed in the morning I am still putting on so many layers!! 

Manda hun, I want to say happy birthday but know those aren't exactly the words I want to use, but am not sure how to put it - so I will say that I will be thinking of you and am really glad that you will be with friends that understand and hope that your evening is as good as it can be.  Dave - you know we are all with you tomorrow and sneaking in to give you the occasional 'squeeze'.  Gayle - Wully will be smiling at you and expecting you to raise a glass to him - Hig bugs from me.   Lesley, good on you for driving and I hope your curry is yummy.   Helen - the chocolate thing is me - I am sending you the urge through the cyberwaves! lol.  Ailsa, I'm glad you found a special something for Becky.  Patricia, if let me know when you guys are planning to go to Meadowhall and I will get their management to arrange an extra Health & Safety lecture before Lynne's arrival .. haha.  Bren, so glad you have plans that are keeping you looking forward - one day at a time, at your own pace hun.

Well, now don't get too excited because obviously I don't expect it to work out perfectly but ....... I have a wee tale to tell you (...oh no, here she goes again and I apologise now because I just know it will be a long post!!!!).  On Monday I wrote to Ed, as is my way, just about life and stuff and decisions and things and suggested that he may like to give a wee helping hand and just push me in the right direction.  

Yesterday I had to take my passport into an agency that I had signed up with (I think so that they could laugh at the photo!) and had a quick chat with the lady (well child really) that is 'looking after me'.  She explained that although I used to have quite a bit of responsibility etc in my last fulltime position it may not be very easy to convince potential employers that they should 'take a punt' on me and I may just need to accept an 'ordinary' (her words not mine) secretary's job for a couple of years.  All fair enough actually and I wasn't put out by it.  Later she e-mailed to say that I hadn't been shortlisted for the latest postion.

Later on I checked out a position online that I had been advised of and thought 'hang it, why not give it a shot' and put together a letter and cv and then spent about 30 mins trying to find out if the email address I was to send it to was male or female as I really do not like addressing a letter Dear Sir/Madam - all to no avail - I searched the staff list, I phoned - the office was now closed, I googled.  No luck.  So eventually I decided just to go for it.  As I hit the 'send' button I cursed as I also thought of another relevant sentence I wanted to include. 

Ah well, never mind.  I walked down the stairs and in the middle of the empty table was a supplement of my local paper that I am SURE I threw out at the weekend.  I started flicking through it and there was an article about the company with the name and picture of the very person, a very pleasant looking lady called Shona - Head of HR !!!!  'Damn' I thought, if only I had waited.  I came back upstairs and there in my hotmail account was a new e-mail.   A 'Message Undeliverable' notification - so I was able to correctly address the letter and add my 'brilliant' new sentence.  There was nothing wrong with the previous e-mail address, there was no problem with the attachment, no reason it shouldn't have gone.

This morning at 11 o'clock I had a phone call on my mobile from Shona asking me to go for an interview on Monday .... yippee.  Now, not for one minute do I assume that I will get the job, but I haven't had an interview for so long that even that will be a worthwhile experience. 

I know it's not much - but I asked Ed for a bit of help, and I got it, I think it is his way of saying I am going the right way.   So I am a very grateful girl tonight. 

Much love to all.  The sleeps are getting less! 

Evening All,  Amanda Gayle and Dave a big hug for tomorrow i will be thinking of you all. Hope everyone else is doing ok, i am so looking forward to our meet, and so pleased i am managing to travel with Gayle, as knowing me i could land anywhere i never went anywhere on my own i always had Derek to keep me right. Suppose i will have to learn though, just like dealing with all the houehold things now suppose i took Derek for granted and left it all to him. It is very wet here tonight but no more snow. Darren been texting having a great time, he is now in Brisbane but he doesn't think it is going to be easy to find a job and he is not taken with the hostels. He also say's it's expensive for food, he has a few trips booked, so if he can't find work he might not be there as long as he thought. We will just have to wait and see. Well i am off to bed now as working in the morning. Luv to you All Fiona xxxxxxxx