My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello Everyone

Sorry to have been a bit quiet for the last few days, have been having a bit of a bad time... Have had next to no sleep for the last week which I'm sure isn't helping, and it is my 40th on Friday  which I am dreading, went out with the girls on Saturday and got upset while we were out then spent all day Sunday beating myself up, first for letting myself get upset and then for going out when Miles can't! Silly I know, I really wish my brain would just shut up sometimes!

Anyway, heard on the news that today is officially the most depressing day of the year so maybe tomorrow will see the tide turn...

I'll have to go back through the last few pages and make notes - my little brain can't keep track!

Hope today has been ok for you all xx

ah, so thats why i was so fed up this morning.

hope your mood soon turns manda. i thought while i was feeling bad, might as well go the whole way, am going to dentist tomorrow and fully expect to have a back tooth removed, a huge hole has appeared and it already has a crown on it. so might be a swollen mouthed, one flippered penguin tomorrow, lol. xxx

oh Lesley, you poor thing! I hate the dentist... hope he sorts you out without making you feel uncomfortable. xx

Hi to everyone, think we all must feel the same today i have got the cold again and i feel miserable wish it would just go away and stay away, i was working and glad when it was 5 o' clock, may be i just feel sorry for myself nobody in the house to look after me. Darren has now put photos on to facebook they are very good not any of him though but the boy he is away with also put some on his facebook so there is a couple of him on them and he looks as if they are having a good time, but will  soon have to work to to be able to stay there and visit all the other places he wants to go to. Hope you are all ok tonight, think it could be early to bed for me and see if i can get rid of this cold. Speak soon. 

Luv and Hugs Fiona xxxxxxxx

Evning everyone . Amanda , hope you get some sleep this week i know what its like to toss and turn all night , try another way to shut your mind off . Think of 5 girls names begining with A and then 5 boys , then go to b etc , the first time i did it i got to about H but after that the next night i only got to G before i fell asleep . It just helps to shut your mind off form all the other things . Hope it works for you hun xx Lesley you poor thing , one thing on top of the other , i know that feeling well , hope it goes ok with the dentist tommorow and glad you can see the positives from you broken arm . We have taken so many people home today with broken legs , i hope the snow doesn't return , i dont think i can cope with any more lol xx  Helen , flipping building societies , dont get me started on them , glad you got it sorted in the end xx Fiona , into the middle as Patricia says , there's plenty of room , Amanda and Lesley are there so you can go and keep them company xx Sue are you alright hun xxx Ailsa hope you had a good day at work and the parking angels have been helping you ,xx Hi Judi , what a good idea of Gayles , will you try and do it xx Well one of my step daughters has been texting the kids all week but to tell you the truth they didn't reply , so she phoned my daughter in law today and said she thought everybody had fallen out with her because she hasn't heard from anybody mmmm has she forgotten what happened last sunday . But my son decided to try and clear the air and called her back . She was crying and said she hadn't set out to shout at me or anything but she'd phoned to try and smooth it over after the other one had text me (aggresively) She'd just got upset and got hysterical . But my son said that didn't explain why she'd said that they'd had no say in the funeral , she said she just felt left out because they live away (i'd called them loads of time during that week ) any way my son has tried to smooth thing over and said she cant keep taking thongs out on me , said a lot more things to her but to tell you the truth i still dont think she realises what she has done . I think she's missing the kids contact more than me really , she did say she didn't want to lose us all . I know i should phone her now but she has said a lot of things that arn't true , so i will probably leave it a bit longer . I think i am just protecting myself now and cant risk another verbal battering . Hope evrybody else is ok xx and i can see why this is the most depressing day of the year xxxx

Hi, Lynne

You're doing the right thing as far as S/d is concerned, and a gold star to your son for trying to sort  things out. What a gem he is!

The picture has nothing to do with anything in particular - it just made me smile, and anything that can do that has to be worth sharing!

xx

Even better!!!

Thanks Sue , lol to the pictures xxxx

Hi everyone.  I am a bit late again I'm afraid.  I had pilates for my back and then I had to go to the supermarket.  Really didn't want to go to bed without catching up and saying hello.

I am going to sound like a right numpty but I have never seen Pollyanna either as far as I know!!  So I presume that is why I can only guess what the 'glad' game is.  You keep playing it Lesley and don't worry about having a bit of a negative time for now - you are allowed.  It must be horribly frustrating to have your wrist in a pot.  I am glad you have a lighter pot on but might have been an idea to hang onto the heavier one until after you have been to the dentist so that you can threaten to 'clump' him if he hurts you!  I have no idea what a 'clump' is but it is a bit of a joke between Declan & I - if he doesn't behave Nanna is going to clump him - but as Nanna hasn't worked out what a clump is yet he never gets one.  Declan & I have a giggle about it!!  Lesley it sounds like a good idea to record something for your joural while you can't write.  Most mobile phone can record your voice so you can try recording a few notes to write up when you can write again.

Fiona I am sorry to read that you have your cold back again.  I think it was Dereks birthday today so I bet having the cold as well has made you proper fed up.  Take care of yourself Fiona.

Manda I am sorry you got upset on your night out but don't be hard on yourself.  It is still very early.  I get upset on nights even now so don't beat yourself up.  Have you got anything planned for your birthday?  I am going out for a few drinks on Friday to celebrate birthdays of 2 colleagues so I will raise a glass to your 40th.   I hope you manage to get some sleep soon.  I use nytol if I have too many bad nights but it can give me bizarre dreams so I only take one of the 2 a night ones.

Sounds like you are interested in following up Gayles idea of book reviews for Macmillan Judi - I never knew you could do such a thing.  I will remember that myself for the future.

Janice I am sure everything will go as it should on Wednesday for Vs funeral.  I will be thinking of you and your family xxx

When are the firemen due Helen - can we form an orderly queue outside your to ogle?  I am glad you got the mortgage sorted out.  I remember Lynne's building society trauma.  I have sent a formal complaint to my bank over Christmas.  I sent it recorded delivery and threatened to contact the FSA if they don't respond by the end of the month.  They have not responded to my letter of the middle of September even now, about Chris's credit card.

I have to agree with Sue, Lynne and say you are doing the right thing regarding your SD.  Take a back seat for a good bit longer after all that was said.  Your son is doing a grand job.  It is lovely that he is trying to straighten things out.

Once again Sue - your pictures are perfect.  I had to laugh at you Patricia - it si hard work trying to catch up on here if you miss a day for any reason - it's fun though.  Hope you are okay as well this evening.

Well I had better go and get off to bed as I have to be up earlier than normal to go and collect a parcel from the post office before work - I still haven't got this delivery thing sorted out!  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Ailsa, I am so glad that I could be a source of amusement to you. You are so right. Miss a day of posting and you are indeed lost

I hopen that youa re all feeling bettter by the time you read this.

Yet again I am posting from the works computer on a break. Unfortunately I am feeling very sad, very lonely and very abandoned. Not by my family and friends but by my dear Ray. I have been sitting here thinking (big mistake). My thoughtsa re very random and disorganised att he moment (well they have been for quite some time now). the thoughts I wasa having were that I wish I could be with Ray but then I know that I would just be causing greater heartache for our children and I pull myself together. I would never do anything silly so please don't worry. It is just my deepest desire because I feel so lost and alone without him. I try so hard to be positive but it is getting harder by the day and the idea of staying in bed and hibernating under the duvet is becoming more and more attractive.

People keep asking me if I am getting excited about our son's wedding and truthfully I am not. In fact I am dreading it. I cannot bear the thought of our children getting married without their father present. It is just so unfair. Oh dear I better go as the tears are now coursing down my cheeks. Not a good look if I should have to go and tend to a patient. thank yiou for taking the time to read this. Sorry to be so negative when I really want to be a positive influence and help you all.  Hopefully I will be a bit less negative next time I post.

take care all of you and keep on smiling and laughing as it is being cheerful and a little 'mad' that keeps us going generally.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x   p.s I should take my own advice and play the glad game but I really don't have the heart or the inclination.