My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Lynne, you should be in the middle of that huddle too. tut tut, escaping behind my back x x x

Judi, as I understand from a couple of friends, year two can be just as bad if not worse than year one because the raw grief and emotion has now turned to reality. Please be a little easier on yourself. Stay in the centre of the huddle as long as you need to. No one is judging or critiscising you. You have as much right as anyone to be there. Don't forget that this is has been a very emotional time of year and you have had a lot going on and it throws up all sorts of emotions and problems.

I hope the day brings some peace and happiness to all who post here.

Love and angel hugs to you all . x x x Patricia x x x

I agree with Patricia too Judi.  My uncle lost his wife almost to the day a year before I lost Wully and he told me that the 2nd year is the worst.  I too understand that about being surrounded by people and at times not caring whether I was or not.  I know it passes though and if we didn't have these people (and remember we are your good friends too) then we wouldn't get through our days.  I sometimes feel so incredibly lonely yet surrounded by noise and people and can't understand why I feel like that.  Bug Higs Judi and remember its okay to post when you are down  - we are all here for each other xxxx

Gayle, it is so easy to feel lonely in a crowd. It is as though you are watching proceedings through a television screen and are not really a part of it all (even though you are). I have been to quite a few family functions over the past few months and find myself wandering away to be by myself because I feel so distant and removed from it all. It is a strange feeling but it is very real. Keep your chin up and remember 'Penguins rule' x x x

Love and hugs from the penguin angel x x x Patricia x x x

The numb feeling is the self preservation barrier we have around us that helps deflect anything that might hurt us more.  Every now and then of course there is a crack in the barrier and the tears fall and the hurt kicks in again, but on the whole, even when you are able to laugh and enjoy something there is that little bit in the middle I think that stays wrapped up, protected and hiding.  It may always be there, just that bit in the middle, but slowly the rest will thaw, just like this darned snow, so slowly it won't really be noticeable but one day we will realise that the sun is on our faces (yes it WILL be) and we are able to enjoy life in a different way to what it was, but we will be able to do it and it will because of who we are and who they were that we can do it, holding on to our memories as something very precious, but not something that holds us back. 

Judi you've got me thinking now, we need to do something constructive and turn this situation around somehow.  Not sure what we can do or what I'm thinking of really but if you are a bossy secretary that wants to do voluntary work and we have a network of penguins here that can pull something together there must be something good we can do.  Not knitting, I'm useless.  Get your thinking cap on, gives you something to focus on when walking the dogs, maybe we could do something to raise money for cancer research or something (like Calendar Girls but I'm NOT going naked).  What do you think?  Brain cell bashing against the screen at the moment but not getting very far..... start thinking.  Will be back later xxx

Thanks Patricia - yes I totally get that feeling like you are watching life on a TV screen - so very well put.

Good idea Rosemary.  I think Judi should train as a counsellor.  She is a born genius at it and I would pay to see her lol!  Maybe its your calling Judi to help others?

Gayle xxx

Good evening everyone.  I am almost glad to come on here this evening and find that I was not the only one who felt like Sue described - numb.  I posted last night and then went to bed without seeing anymore posts so I was a bit worried that my post was very negative.  Patricia your description that it is like looking at the world through a television screen is very accurate.  I appreciate my good friends efforts to watch out for me but I seem to enjoy being left alone now - almost too much.  I am relishing the fact that I not expecting any callers tonight so I can suit myself.  I am worried I have the potential - probably like everyone - to become a little odd left to my own devices.  I am trying to make an effort to plan things but I could just easily not be bothered at all.  One thing that really bothers me is that most of my conversations involve Chris.  I love to talk about him but when he was alive he wasn't the only thing I talked about so why do I find every conversation turns to him now?  I have a close friend I have known for years.  She calls to see me as often as she can but recently I have found myself worrying after she has gone that the only thing I talked to her about was Chris.  I don't want to bore her or drive her away.  That is an example of why I am trying to plan other things - so that I don't drive people away.  Anyway - I am rambling now so I will stop!!

I think that is a very good idea Rosemary.  I am not good with ideas about things we could do but I will have a think.  I am always very enthusiastic to get involved with things though so if someone has an idea - count me in!!

It sounds like those little boys are growing fast Gayle - take care of yourself.  I am still free after the 13th February and then right through March for the get together.  Ailsa xxx 

Evening fellow penguins , and i know why we are called penguins now it woulld have been easier to slide on my stomach this morning than stay on my feet , i was a liability right from the start and if i wasn't with someone who not only pushed the patients round but then had to come and walk with me , has everybody else had the ice , where they are , we saw 4 cars all slide into the same dust waggon , didn't mark the waggon but the cars we're a mess . I only slid once in the ambulance (thank goodness ) but it was pretty scary at the time , please let there be a thaw soon ... I hope everybody is feeling a little better this evening , Sue , Aisa , Fiona, Gayle Amanda ,Rosemary and Judi , your pain comes across so well in the words you write and it brings tears to my eyes , for us all that have to go through this grief . Patricia thank you for trying to put me in the middle , but i'm not going back in , i,ve had my fair share  of time in there its my turn on the outside . I am ok hun , i'm getting tough and i wont let the girls walk all over me again . Dad is not good really but he's a amazing man and i think he's doing as well as can be expected . He's back at the hosp in 2 weeks and the district nurse is going in everyday . How is everybody else doing . ? good idea Rosemary mmm i'm useless at thinking of things but i hope somebody comes up with something xxx

I'm still here - ready to shepherd you all back into the middle if you stray away from the huddle before your time is right to leave...............and i won't take no for an answer...........I too have done the 'bossy secretary's' course.......................Now I'm a bossy librarian and minder of children..................You're looking for something to do???  Training for the Race for Life - usually in June?????  Or making cards to sell to family and friends????  (Wish we all lived closer cos I'd set up a craft group so we could all get together once a week to make things and chat..............)  I've run out of suggestions........ but hope that has started you thinking?????

Love and ((((((((hugs))))))))  Dot xxxxxxxx

Hi.

Yes Lynne - I had the glass ice this morning.  Apparently it was frozen rain - normally seen in Canada.  I think it is Bren who should know whether that is true or not.  You did very well to drive in it at all Lynne.  It took me 2 goes to get off my drive and it is flat.  This penguin has had her fill of sliding round on her belly thankyou - bring on the thaw.

I like the Race for Life idea Dot.  I was planning on doing it this year anyway.  I did it in 2007 but not in 2008 or 2009.  Some people I work with want to do it in Chris's memory again this year.  Maybe we could do it in the memory of all the people we have lost.  I want to do 2 - the one in York and the one in Pontefract.  I went on the website a couple of weeks ago but the 2010 dates were not on yet.  It would be nice to know if any others in our group are doing it and if so where and when.  We can cheer each other on and tot up how much we raise between us.  I think by now most people know that the race for life needs only to be a walk if that is all you want to do.

It is a pity we don't all live close enough together for a crafting group as that would be fun as well.  I like making cards so I could try to make enough to sell.  I struggle to keep uo to enough to give for birthdays already but I could try harder couldn't I?  Thanks for the ideas Dot.  Ailsa xxx 

Evening everyone

I am so sorry to hear you`re all in this `unknown` place. Sorry I havent been on for a few days. Yes I m back at work, no closure unfortunately but must admit I m glad to be back after Xmas.

I got out on Saturday and had a lovely evening with a friend. The weather didn `t stop us lol x

Manda hope H is feeling better, Nat was like that in November after being so strong for me it was her turn xxx You ll help each other xx

Isnt it strange how one little comment has rung true with so many, if we look back on posts which I do sometimes we have all come on so much even though we dont always think so. Life is carrying on and we cant stop that but as we all know it has to and our loved ones want us to move on and be happy.I don`t know the answers but I really feel we owe it to them to maybe make a few plans, have the odd thing to look forward to. We deserve it xxx Our get together can be one thing if we cant think of anything else, new friendships.

Bug higs everyone and here`s to having something to look forward to

Lots of love Helen xxx