My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dearest Sue - I don't know how to answer that one.............so I'll send you an extra big (((((((((hug))))))))))) just for you............ now shuffle off into the middle of the huddle a bit more and hang onto me when (or if) that wave hits................Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Sue ((((((((((hugs ))))))))))0 not sure if i feel numb , all those other feelings , sad is the main one xxxxx

Evening to you all,  I know what you mean Sue i think we all feel the same but i am sure our other halves  would want us to smile and laugh again although very hard at times. Well Darren phoned me this morning and it was nice to hear his voice and he is doing fine, very warm so lashing on the suncream he is lucky. Our snow just about away but more forecast for tonight so will have to wait and see there is still some slippy patches yet. Lynne hope you are doing ok and your dad is also doing ok it's very hard as i know with my dad as he needs so much done for him. Manda hope your Haley is feeling better soon. Ailsa happy birthday to your daughter on her 30th. Gayle how you doing? Hope everyone else doing ok. I have not been sleeping again so back to taking a tablet at night. Helen are you back to school yet, ours are off again as heating not working now. Luv and Hugs to you all

Fiona xxxxxxxxxx  

Sue - I feel numb.  A kind of 'not feeling'.  I am not happy but not depressed.  Unlike you I am sad and I am also lonely.  I haven't cried much since Chris's birthday.  I cried earlier but that was remembering Becky when Declan was born.  I think that was also thinking back to happier times and knowing Chris was around back then.  When Becky has her birthday on Saturday that will mean all 5 of us have had a birthday since Chris was here.  We have done Christmas and new year and our wedding anniversary without him.  More than 8 months on and things just keep happening as they should.  That scares me so I think 'numb' is a safe place to be.

I think I need something to look forward to - don't know about anyone else!  I have planned quite a few things to try to lift my spirits.  The latest one is a few days away in Liverpool in April.  Stu & Suzanne loved Liverpool and want to go back and show me some of what they saw so we have booked a 3 day trip.

Not sure whether I want the numb feeling to lift as I am a bit concerned about what feeling will replace it.  I was late to bed last night and being tired makes things worse for me so I am off to bed.  Take care everyone.  Maybe I will think of something else to cheer me or someone else up tomorrow when I have had some sleep.  Ailsa xxx 

I know the numb feeling.  I have been feeling like that for a while and very cold.  Not much else - sometimes happy but thats another story and not really for here.  I took my wedding rings off a few weeks ago because I was hurting and to be honest I was still just numb afterwards.  I only really get upset when I look at my boys.  Wully adored them and they are growing up so fast.  I was thinking today how much more able Jamie is to hold a conversation and how he has changed a lot in the last 7 months (they change so fast when they are little).  Wully would have loved that and so would Jamie as he was a right Daddy's boy.  Thats when I hurt when I think of them not having their Daddy.    Ewan doesn't even mention him now.

Lynne, hugs to you.  You are a wonderful special person - don't let them get you down. 

Hugs to everyone else.  I will start getting something organised for our meet in Feb this week - work has been a bit of a nightmare because I am so busy so hardly done anything lately.

Take care my penguins.

Gayle xxx

I have feelings of deep deep sadness but also feel very numb and find my mind wanders when people are talking to me. It is 10 months since Ray died and I can still cry at the drop of a hat. Npo hope for me is there? Oh well.

Sue, there is no rhyme or reason to how anyone feels. We are who we are and nothing can change that. Numbness is a way of your mind protecting you I feel.

I still have not had more than 2 hours sleep at a stretch. I am waiting hopefully for a night when I can go to bed and not wake up till morning.

Sleep well Penguin friends x x  x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi guys

Well thanks Sue, days and days I have managed to go without tears and one post from you and they are streaming down my face.  Numb - exactly the right word, and I thought it was just me. 

I often wonder if I will ever really 'feel' anything again.  Boy gives me great pleasure as I am sure that you all know - with my constant praise of him!  But apart from that - nothing in daily life really puts me up or down.. 

The most horrible thing I feel, and this is the only place I can say this, is that although I am lucky in having such lovely friends, a lot of the time I don't think I would feel anything if I never saw them again.  I know that sounds so awful, and I don't mean it to - it is just that when I come into the house and shut the door most days it doesn't matter to me if anyone phones or not.  I think maybe if I could really get a kick up the backside and be made to do something, anything - I would 'shake out if it'. 

I am fortunate that my part-time job just pays enough for me to carry on, not go wild or on mad shopping sprees or exotic holidays or anything, but it does pay the bills etc.  So I have no necessity to look for a better paid, more demanding job, and I feel that I couldn't easily leave the dogs all day - and being as odd as they are I can't ask someone else to come round everyday to take them out - bit of a catch 22 really.  So there you are, stuck in a rut of my own making and doing nothing about it. 

I have never had a time in my life where there are absolutely no real demands or responsibilites in my life, nothing I HAVE to do, and as a consequence of that I do nothing.  Not a very satisfactory situation really.

So my penguins, sorry for  going on the downwards slope - blame my gorgeous Sue!! (not really hun!)

Judi xxx

Sue and Judi, it is a strange place we are in right now but I so understand. Judi, I know what you mean about not caring whether anyone phones or sometimes wishing to be left alone. But I wonder if I would feel that way if I truly never heard from anyone?

Come on both of you into the middle of the huddle. Nooo, no arguments come on..... right into the centre. Keep going you're not quite in the middle yet....    That's better. Now enjoy the warnth and love that surrounds you for a little while and no trying to sneak out when i'm not looking.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Oii I can see you you know and I won't have you moving out until at least tomorrow evening at the earliest. x x x

Thank you Patricia - am shuffling as I speak.  I really don't like to post so negatively as I think/feel/suspect that I am 'allowing' myself to feel like this, rather than trying to do anything about it.  Fifteen months now and I am no more used to being on my own than I was fourteen months ago. And that makes me feel very guilty posting here as, if anything, I 'should' be further down the road than many of you.  I am shocked and disappointed at how insular and lazy I have become, but am extremely good at deciding to do something about it 'tomorrow'. 

I even phoned the VSO a couple of months ago to make hesitant enquiries about voluntary work overseas as I do genuinely know that there are many, many people who have a much harder life than I do - but it is mainly nurses and teachers that they are looking for and not bossy secretaries!!! (See I still have a sense of humour!)  But did realise that maybe I was overthinking things and being just a tad dramatic!  Or maybe I just saw myself in khaki, slim and tanned with a better outlook on life!

Anyway, tears have now stopped, the snow has nearly gone - just the treacherous ice to get rid of now.  Am going to snuggle down in the middle tonight and am determined to start finding  a way to to fill my days more productively.  As usual, I feel better just having got this all out.

Love to all - Judi

Morning my penguins , just a quick one before i go off and fight the elements again , but i couldn't go without saying to Sue and Judi , and anyone else who needs that extra cuddle , hang on in there , dont argue with Patricia (i wouldn't) and stay in that middle , you have all been there for me and i hope your both feeling a little better this morning . Hugs hugs hugs and more xxxxxx