My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone

It's hard at the moment to keep up with all your posts! I am back in work now and also helping Rachel with Daniel so am not at home so much. I am glad I am busy because it keeps me from brooding. I have had a very quick read of the posts, you have all been very busy, lol!

Fiona, I am glad that Darren has arrived safetly and managed to text you, it will take a while but I am sure you will get used to him being away and look forward to hearing about his fun times out there. I hope little Charlie is soon well again, it's heartbreaking when little ones are poorly. :-(

Lynne, it sounds like you are having a very rough time right now, as if losing your husband is not enough. I am thinking of you and hope that you and your step daughters manage to reslove things.

Manda, I hope Hayley is soon better and manages to make her exams.

Sue, loved the pics of your girls, they are indeed beautiful.

I am pleased to say that I am finally managing to sleep through most nights, it seems to make a difference to my mood the next day as well. I also seem to manage to get through most days without tears, well until bedtime anyway, that remains a sticking point. I don't think I will ever get used to Colin not coming to bed with me. Maybe the tears come then because I have managed to keep under control during the day, I don't know. I am just glad that I am coping more during the day. The trick seems to be to keep busy, all the time I am doing, I am not moping about, it is when I stop that I start feeling that overwhelming sadness again.

I'm so glad to have my little Daniel, I can't believe how much I love him already. I felt that bond straight away with my own two children but was unsure how I would feel with a grandchild, especially after Colin died, it all seemed so wrong that our special event had been tarnished, spoiled somehow. But I need not have worried, as soon as I set eyes on him I knew I would do anything for him.

Hope you are all having a good evening, love Lesley xx

Good evening all.  I am looking forward to a less busy evening tonight.  I seem to have been far too busy again these last few days.  Usually a bad sign when I am coming on here very late or very early.  This time is much better.

Manda I am sorry H is so poorly.  Hopefully today's rest from exams will help her to recover.  I'm glad you understood what I was saying about my confusion over the right and wrong way to feel or behave.  The best thing about having friends on here is being able to say things and find someone else has felt similar.  Makes me feel like less of a lunatic!!

Lesley it is lovely that Daniel is keeping you so busy you are sleeping a bit better.  You have reminded me of how I felt when my grandson Declan was born more than 9 years ago now.  I was with Becky through the 12 hours of her labour and was the first person to set eyes on Declan moments before Becky saw him.  I completely understand the love a mother feels for her child the first time she see's them but didn't expect to feel that same overwhelming love the first time I saw my grandchild.  Declan and I have remained very close and he will 'do' for me when he won't for anyone else.  Becky was exhausted after a very long delivery.  The midwives left us alone so that I could help her with a bath and wash her hair after the birth.  It makes me cry to remember it now.  It was such a special time and will stick with me forever.  Becky can be hard work and stubborn but I think that special time we shared means she tries not to push me too far.  Can't believe she will be 30 on Saturday.

I've been wandering how your Dad is doing Lynne?

Hope everyone else is okay this evening.  Our snow is still melting and I can't say I'm sorry.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Oh joy.

after a day of thawing, it is snowing again, and it's sticking.

enough is enough!

Hi Sue - makes me wander if that is what we get for deciding to be penguins.  Is there such a thing as a fair weather penguin!  Ailsa xx

Me i'm fed up with the snow , makes it really stressfull at work and everything takes twice as long grr .Ailsa , your description of Declans birth is lovely , i so remember Beths birth and it is so special when you get your first grand child and any more after that are a added bonus and just as special xx. I can understand exaclty what you mean , wanting to carry on and then feeling guilty for getting on , and all this trouble withmy S/D's have made me feel it more now , but at christmas they both sent me lovely cards with lovely messages in , with words to the effect of "always remember dad would be happy if your happy " and thats why its so hard to take from them now , but i will not do anything hasty and just see what happens but i  am not going to be used as a verbal punch bag anymore .  Dad is ok Ailsa , he's back at the clinic tommorow and the district nurse has been in everyday , but i think he'll be like this for another week or so yet before he can try and eat anything , it is heart breaking watching him . I cant believe he's had to have this done and it is far worse than they said it would be xx. Lesley so glad your enjoying your little grand son as Ailsa has already said its so special ,and thank you for your support  xx

 Manda i'm sure its such a worry with H and i hope she's feeling better soon , it really is early days for you both and i'm sure Miles is proud of you so far , and thank you so much for your kind words too xx

Fiona you must have been so relieved to hear from Darren , wait till you get in the swing of Skype and i'm sure you'll be fine xx

Hi to everybody else , thanks for helping me again xxxxxxxx

Hi everyone, my brain is being silly today and even though I have read all the posts I have no idea who wrote what soooo.....  please forgive me if i get things wrong.  Amanda, Ihope that your daughtere soon feels better. Such a worry when they are sick.  Lynne, how is your dad doing and yourself too? I am worried about you.

Ailsa it is so difficult 'knowing' how to feel.  There is no right or wrong way to feel. You should try not to feel guilty for laughing or enjoying some part of your day. Having said that I do understand what you say because I too feel like that.  I have a few days of feeling ok and then come down to earth with a bump. I then feel as though I am back to square one for a short while. How can this happen I ask myself. One minute I can be fine then woosh. Here come the tears. It does not seem possible. I think what I am trying to say is that you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself some happy times amongst the sad ones.  Take care sweet Ailsa and climb into the centre of the penguin huddle x x

Fiona, I am so pleased that you have heard from your son. Such a relief to know when they are safe.

Lesley you sound so busy now.  I hope that you are enjoying being a grandma x x

Everyone else please take care and enjoy your evening if you can x x x

Now whose birthday was it???  Ah yes, happy 30th to Ailsa's daughter Becky for Saturday.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x

Hi Patricia , we obviously cross posted (is there such a word ) , i'm ok hun , i wont let them get me down , there hurting too and thats why there lashing out but like i've said my love for Gordon will pull me through and i wont let them verbally attack me again . I'll just let them get on with it for a while . How are you ???xxxxx

Evening girls - sorry but my retired brain cell has just forgotten everything I've read!!  There's just too much to take in - you'll have to type more slowly so that i can keep up!!!!!!  But I know that for whatever reasons you all appreciate a Dottee (((hug))) - so that's why I'm here - to send you all love and (((((hugs))))).... I'm still feeling strong so huddle in the middle those of you that need to and I will keep guard...........

Love and more (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Dot xxxxxxxxx

Does anyone else just feel numb?

Not happy, not sad, not depressed, just completely numb.

I'm waiting for a tidal wave to hit me; it hasn't yet, even after 7 months.

i just feel nothing.

absolutely nothing.

sue xx