My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all

Rubbish day (step-daughters Lynne!) but I am determined to try and not let it upset me so I am not going to give you a boring run down of events. 

Lynne I am so glad that you have got some antibiotics and have my fingers crossed that they kick in very soon.  Ailsa, I also watched March of the Penguins today - awesome.

Bren, I was very jittery about finally burying Ed's ashes, they are at the cemetry that his daughters wanted.  I now do find it very comforting to go there, however as the day approached I didn't want to 'let him go' and in the end I kept some, not a huge amount but enough that I felt he was still with me.  Some are now in a Caithness perfume bottle that was the first present Ed gave me and a lovely jeweller I know made me a silver 'ball' and put a few in there.  I wear it on a long chain.  I know some of the others have also got/done something similar.  Just a thought hun. 

I am having an open house tomorrow from 4-9pm as an opportunity to say a sort of thank you to friends that have helped throughout the last year.  So I will raise a glass to you guys, not one for each of you as I don't think I would make a very good host after that many!  I haven't really had 'people' round apart from individual friends, so thought that it was time I did.  I tell you this only to explain my unusual early spring clean!!

Loads of love to all, Judi xx

Hello everyone,

Happy New Year and hope 2010 is everything we want it to be and make it.  Had a bit of a rubbish night on Hogmany to be honest.  Tears started early but luckily Dave and Lynne came to the rescue and I felt a bit better so thanks.  Had a few tears at the bells too so still feeling pretty down but looking forward to going back to work on Monday so that I can be busy again.  I took all my decorations down on hogmany as I couldn't face looking at them anymore and gave the house a good clean.  Just need to wash the windows tomorrow (although not looking forward to that as there are quite a few lol).

Lynne, Happy Birthday - glad you got to the dentist.  I have had a cold since Christmas Eve and was up most of the night with toothache because my sinus nerve goes into my tooth and it must be inflamed or something.  Been taken Sinutab all day so hopefully it will be a bit less painful tonight as I am so very tired - just not sleeping or eating again (although maybe a good thing since we all know what my cooking is like!!!). 

Ailsa, you have a hard few days and I will be thinking of you.  Its Wully's birthday on the 22nd so not looking forward to that either.  Luckily it is not a work day so I can be miserable as I want lol. 

Helen, Sue, Judi, Lesley, Bren, Quill, Dottee, Fiona, Dave, Patricia and anyone else that I have forgotten (sorry!) - thinking of you all my little penguins.  Couldn't survive this mess without you all.

Gayle xxxx

Evening all

Bren: I don't visit Colin at the cemmy, just go there because it is peaceful and we sometimes walked around there with it being close to home. Colin's ashes are at home with me. We both eventually want to be scattered together on Seil Island in Scotland, a place we loved. I am sure their must be places that were special to you and your husband were you could visit and feel peace.

Lynne: Glad you have some treatment for your abscess, it is usually quite fast acting, so hopefully you will be feeling much better soon.

I have had another calm day, in fact probably the calmest yet. I don't know why, nothing has changed. In fact I expected this weekend to be pretty bad with Christmas etc being over and being snowed in but somehow I have felt at peace today and Colin somehow feels close. I've just had a lovely meal and am having a nice big glass of red wine. Have just finished watching Love Actually. maybe I feel better because I actually slept last night after three nights of not doing, I am sure it must help my mood the following day.

The snow is still falling, maybe school will be shut on Monday and I won't be able to go to work, lol.

Gayle if your sinuses don't clear soon you might need antibiotics to clear the infection. I hope you soon feel better.

Lesley xx

Evening everyone.  Fiona it was nice that you didn't bring the new year in on your own.  I sound very proud of your niece.

Lesley the only reason I have to clean my loft is I have lived in this house for 31 years so there is a lot of my life up there!  I don't mind spiders so that helps.  Sounds like you have had as calm a day as me.

How you doing with your tablets Lynne - less pain I hope when they kick in.

Bren you have done brilliantly to manage the long drive on your own, especially in this weather.  Did you get the cat back okay?  Although I visit Chris in the cemetery I think the only important thing is to eventually have somewhere or something important to you.  Chris asked to be buried with his dad so that made the decision easy for me and I find that comforting.  The Bay of Gaspe sounds lovely - I googled it.  I feel very close to Chris at the bottom of our garden as well.

Good luck with your open house Judi - it is a nice gesture.

Gayle - I am looking forward to going back to work on Monday as well probably for the same reasons - distraction and purpose.  Thanks for your good wishes for Wednesday.  Chris would have been 53 this time.

I hope everyone is having a decent evening.  Ailsa xxx

Sorry Fiona - I meant to say 'you sound very proud of your niece'. xxx

Well my birthday is almost over and apart from a few tears at the cemmy this morning i've been suprisingly ok , but after the last few days i cant be that low all the time (i hope) The abcess is a good distraction tho and it is feeling better already but after what the dentist did to me this morning(tortured me) it should feel a lot better . The kids have been down for a take away and i've been very spoilt and would you believe it i got a penguin of my lovely daughter in law ,yippee , that will be in my bed tonight     

Judi anopen house ? how many miles are you away , if i start walking now lol , if the penguins can do it so can i xx 

Lesley glad you've had a calmer day hun , you'll have more and more as time goes on and hopefully the baby will put in a appearence soon xx  

Fiona well done to youe neice , how brave she must have been , its freezing here let alone her braving the freezing water xx   

Bren the tree and the bay of Gaspe sound a lovely idea but i would save some for yourself as well and a very well done on the long drive xx

  Ailsa hoover a loft?? wow do you want to come and live with me ? pleeeeses xx  Hope evrybody is having a 

 Take care xx

Lynne xxxx

Well done, lynne.

i bought myself a cuddly penguin today a well, so we'll both have sleeping partners tonight.

sue xx

Thats good Sue , ive had to fight Maddie for mine tho , she thinks its a toy !!!!!

so does my maddie - she's a 2 year old lab rador! 

No chance - this one is mine!

My Maddie can have anything i've got but today it was    """" Step away from the penguin """