My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi, Dave

so sorry to hear that you're having 'one of those days'; the ton of bricks doesn't seem to get any lighter, does it!

yes, it's an old adage, but in the end you can only truly rely on yourself. at least the children will keep you going, when keeping going is the very last thing you want to do. Not a lot of choice with  little ones around. I know what you mean about torturing yourself by playing music that you know will bring everything crashing down on you; we all do it - maybe we need to in some perverse sort of way.

I've just come back from the chemo unit where Alan was treated; i went bearing gifts, and i didn't realise how strung up i was about it. however, i am so glad that i went, as I saw all the nurses and receptionists who treated him, and they were lovely. Seeing that they have over 200 patients on theoir books at any one time, it's even more remarkable that they remembered me by name, and also my children (i use the term loosely, as they're all grown up now!)  who came with me. I feel that I can start Christmas now, as it had become a very important issue to revisit the hospital.

We all do what we have to do in order to survive, dave; your children will see you through.

I send you warmest Christmas wishes.

'May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,
The gladness of Christmas give you hope,
The warmth of Christmas grant you love.'

Sue xx

Hello All

Hope those of you who spent the day at home have beeen warm and snugglyu and that those of you who had to go out and about had safe journeys...

Ailsa and Fiona, sorry to hear you are feeling isolated and that your phones have been quiet, hope that today has been better for you both. Bren have a safe journey and take your time with it all, hope that your tummy troubles are soon gone. Lynne your story did make me smile - and that's been a rare occasion over the last week so thatnks for sharing! Glad that you are home safe and sound...

Judi, I'm glad it's not just me who is feeling a bit sensitive at the moment - as you said, tiny things really but they set me off just the same. It seems like we are all having a few ups and downs with the in-laws. I'm sure they don't mean to be insensitive but it doesn't help does it? Dave you know where I am if you need to vent! Am thinking of you and the boys... Thank goodness we can come here and share!

Helen, I hope that Liam's birthday goes well for him - and for all of you really. You have your hands full for the next few days... And Lesley, I have been thinking about your 'cooking smells' all day! I loved your snowy photos on FB - proper snow!

Sue, well done for all your efforts for the Chemo unit - they must really appreciate all you've done. No wonder you were wound up about going back there, but I'm glad that it went so well. Your Xmas picture and the Xmas wishes verse are lovely!

Well ladies, I have been out and invested in lovely penguin wrapping paper, and I have to say it has made the prospect of wrapping up the presents seem less daunting some how... It's funny how the little things can help sometimes. Think I might treat myself to a glass or three of Baileys and get cracking after tea...

Manda xx

Dear manda,

so have I! Gold paper with penguins on it! Great minds.......

   Sue x

Aw Dave, sorry to hear you are having a bad day, it is good you have your boys but they don't make up for the huge hole in you life that your lovely Nic left. I know what you mean about torturing yourself playing music etc. I have just had a crying session watching a programme I had recorded about alkziemers. As soon as I put it on I thought maybe this is not such a good idea, then went and watched it anyway. Well Colin spoke about alkziemers often, he worked as a chef in a nursing home for a while and he always worried about ending up that way. Did not even get chance to become old never mind anything else. Like someone said maybe we just have to do these things to get over them. I am dreading the next few days, can almost feel the panic rising.

I am getting better at cooking for myself, some of what Colin did must have sunk in. The gammon and parsley sauce was good and there is plenty left over Judi!

Have been struggling a bit over the last two days with neuralgia, I have trigeminal neuralgia and take meds for it but it does not seems to be stopping it for some reason, may need to increase dose but that makes me feel dizzy :-(

Good luck to those wrapping pressies tonight, don't drink too much Baileys or everyone will end up with the wrong pressies!

Love Lesley x

Hi all

Thanks for all your kind replies.I think playing records etc watever we need to do "to get things out must help"it seems to build up so much that it has to come out somehow.

As a few people have said maybe its necessary to try and move forward "if possible"

Anyway ive just heard from my mum and shes stuck on acoach on the way to Holland to see my sister.Shes allready missed her connection and looks like shes got anight in London because of the blizzards.

Because of the problems with eurotunnel i doubt she will get there.

Thanks again for all of your comments Davexx

Hello from Cornwall!  What a journey that was, very messy and rainy and looooonnnnnnggggg, then when we got nearly here the directions took us up this steep single track road (but still two way would you believe!) and I was close to the edge I can tell you, tears were close and I could feel the edge of the ledge crumbling, I hate steep hills and this road even had lumps of the banks fallen into it and ice in patches too! Needless to say we did survive it and bless the traffic angels they realised the error and kept all the downward traffic away from the area and eventually we found our cottage.  It is absolutely beautiful, they have done all the Christmas decorations, laid out mince pies and cream tea, we have a real tree, also decorated and with tree choccys and boxes of chocs underneath!  What amazing people they are, they obvioulsy know how to look after their penguins down this way (apart from directing them up nightmare hills).  The whole place is new and shiny, but old and authentic looking too, I wish you could all be here with me.  The phone signal is dreadful but we do have a payphone but best of all wi-fi and we are sharing the laptops, so I will stay in touch with you all.

If anyone wants to borrow my in-laws please forward your addresses via private message and I will pop them in the post asap.  Bless them they "mean well" but they drive me insane, we had got it down to just one phone call a day but with the bad weather and the strain of the first Christmas without Steve we are back to two if not three calls (depending if they can think up good excuses to call) a day.  I feel mean moaning about them, I know they are missing him too, but they just never seem to think how we feel and never seem to realise I just need some space and that is why we have come away.  They will track us down though and will be on the phone tomorrow I'm sure. 

Dave, I hope you are coping alright now, I admire you with the two little ones they must be hard work for you when you are feeling so low.  Wrap them up and take them for a few walks, if it snows again get out the tea trays and a piece of string and taking them out for a ride on a "sledge"!  Fresh air is good for you all and will make them sleep better. After that have a huge hug from your fellow penguins and snuggle to the middle for a while.

Ailsa and Fiona (I think I have this right, I haven't got my notebook here) sorry you  are feelng lonely, give me your numbers and I wil pass them to my in-laws and they can phone you, they would love it and they never stop, you will be begging me to change you numbers!  (Joking apart if you would like some human voices down the phone or just text messages to let you know you are loved, p.m me your number and I will keep in touch with you when I get my signal back, promise I won't be a pest you can just tell me if I am)

Got to hand the laptop over now so will leave you all with my bestest love and a squidgy hig or three.  Take care all xxxxxxxxxx

Evening everyone , well first of all did you all realise we've passed the 3000 post , well done fellow posters xxx

Dave so glad you joined us on our little ledge , and so pleased that posting made you feel better , it must be really hard with the kids on your own , i dont know how i'd cope if i'd got little kids grief to handle as well , my own is enough . xx

Lesley the neuralgia sounds terrible  , i hope you get it under controll soon , its the last thing that you need . xx

Amanda i'm glad my post made you smile , it was worth getting locked in the bedroom if it made you smile , the penguin paper sounds great hun as does the baileys my fav xx

Sue i hope the chemo unit wasn't to traumatic for you , you have done a wonderful thing (as always) xx

Helen have a fantastic party , happy birthday to Liam and i'm sure Paul will be proud of you and be at your side xx

Ailsa , we too had certain jobs , man or woman , Gordon was useless at "women " jobs but i liked looking after him so i didn't mind , he looked after me in other ways , oh god how much do i miss him xx

Judi glad your feeling better now , flipping kids eh , what would we do without em xx

Patricia , well done on the car checks , i'm useless even tho i have to do ambulance checks everyday i couldn,t even find my bonnet catch today .xx

To say i've had an eventfull day is an understatement , we knew it wasn't going to be easy with the snow but we tried to stick to the main roads as much as we could but sometimes you cant help it and this afternoon whist i was driving we had to go on a country lane to drop a whhel chair patient off , i knew ir would be bad so i took it really steady , all was fine untill i stopped , well tried too , it was on a bit of a slope and as i was getting out the ambulance i realised it was still rolling backwards , with the handbreak on , so i jumped back in and just turned the wheel so the wheels hit the kerb and stopped i was shaking like a leaf , i got out the ambulance and slipped on my bum lol , my pride was hurt more than me . We managed to get the patient in safely and then i drove back to our base , got in my car and my battery was flat !! aghh thats when i realised i din't know where the bonnet catch was . My crew mate along with a lad from the next door garage got me started so i'm hoping it starts in the morning . I would normally have told Gordon all about this , but as i cant i'll bore you lovely penguins instead xx

Hope everybody has had a better day than me , i think baileys is called for

Take care

Calamity Jane xxxxx

Sorry missed your post Judi , glad you made the journey safely , it sounds horrible worse than mine xx have a good time xx I too wouldn.t mind swapping mobile numbers i'd ,ove to text you all good mornin and goodnight . any body else want to swap numbers ? xxxx

Sorryyyy meant Esme xxxxxxxxxxx

Good evening everyone.  What dreadful weather to have to try to go to work in and get ready for Christmas.  I couldn't get my van off our estate this morning until after the sun came out.  I didn't get to work until 5 to 10.  Should have been there are 7 and it is only 15 mins away from home.  Still I am home now and only 2 more days to go.  Just concerned as Stu is still working tomorrow and Becky & Declan will be making their way up from Bracknell on Thursday.  I can't rest knowing their on the roads as they are now.

Have you decided who is getting what yet Patricia?  Your weather should be very similar to mine I think.  We're not far away from each other.

I loved the sound of your alternative chinese Judi - including that slightly less healthy bits!!

Lesley I read about your gammon earlier with envy and now you have said it turned out nice I am even more jealous.  I had a bagel for my tea!!

Helen - enjoy Liam's birthday tomorrow.  Paul would want that.  It sounds like you are going to be too busy to think much but that is probably no bad thing.  Enjoy all your company and join us when you can.

Hi Dave.  Sorry to hear your Mum is stuck in the weather.  Unfortunately I too have figured out that the only person I can really rely on is me.  If you think that way then you might enjoy it more when someone does help out unexpectedly.  I had what sounds like a similar, tearful time as you over the weekend.  I was doing my cards and couldn't remember the name of one of my neighbours children.  I remembered that I had had a card off them after Chris died and her name was in that.  Why oh why did I not figure out that looking through all the sympathy cards was going to devastate me??  I really am quite stupid at times.  Anyway I found the name but only after I had worn myself out crying for half and hour.  I am sure you and the boys will have a good time together over Christmas and when you are relying on yourself you can suit yourself.  I am sure you'll get some time off and we are always here.

Sue - well done doing the trip to the chemo ward today.  I didn't want to say anthing that might put you off but I was concerned that you hadn't anticipated what a big thing you were doing going back to the ward where they had looked after Alan.  You should be very proud of yourself for doing what you have done.  The gifts will be so appreciated and you have been back to see some lovely people.  Once again - well done Sue.  What a coincidence that both you and Manda bought penguin wrapping paper.  I bought a lovely little penguin today from a toy shop.  It is a little TY beenie and it is about 6 inches high with huge eyes.  It is sitting watching me from the top of my printer right now.

Right - I have a few Christmas cards to make tonight for the kids so I had better get on with it.  Take care and have a good evening everyone.  Ailsa xx