My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Canda, and everyone replying to this topic,
Since my fiance died on 9th April one thing I have found useful - well it gets me through the nights - is to have a spare pillow IN the bed.
I couldn't sleep at first because I knew we would never have those special moments when we would hug each other at night. I often fell asleep with my back to him, and while a pillow isn't going to replace his presence, I do find that having one behind me, it almost feels WARM, like somehow his loving arms are at any moment going to embrace me again.
It might sound silly, but I have found it helps me. Short of nicking a full size mannequin from a clothes store, it's the best I can do.
Take care of yourselves and don't feel you 'ought' to do anything. Just do only what your body tells you it can cope with right now.
Rose x

hi canda1977 i was married to lovely wife rita for 30 years and know her for 4 years befor that so when she dead i felt just like you.and believe that it will get easier ,so let your feelings out gain strength from your 3 children. i also have 3 grown up children they are my world don't be ashamed of your quilt it part the process we all get them feelings.peter

Hi everyone. I hope you had a better day Helen. Mine really wasn't that bad in terms of I got lots done. My son's girlfriend spent a lot of it with me and came to Sheffield with me so that I could change the taxation class of Chris's van back from disabled to private light goods. I can tell I am setting myself up for a fall again though because I am still up. I am not having much trouble sleeping but I am having trouble going to bed. This used to happen when Chris was in hospital. I don't know why it is a problem. On the same theme as your suggestion Rose - I have a big ted that Chris bought for me before we were married. He is probably a bit more than 3 feet long. He has always taken Chris's place in the bed if he is not there. He even has a little of Chris's aftershave on so he smells lovely. In the weeks before Chris died he asked me to make sure I took big ted camping with me in future. That was fine but I realised that big ted was a bit to big to take away with me discretely if I am away from home other than camping. Chris solved the problem by ordering me a smaller bear in a Man U strip! So now I go to bed with both bears - how lucky am I? They do help me sleep but I still have the problem making the decision to go to bed without Chris. I will take your advice Rose and try harder not to feel like I ought to be doing things.
Good evening Peter - looks like you are up as late as me. My son has just gone home after spending the evening here. He is finding this every bit as hard as I am. They were very close. I think we both find some comfort when we spend time together. I really like his girlfriend so that helps. I spoke to my eldest daught this evening but I have a real need to speak to the youngest so I had better call her tomorrow. They definately give me strength and make me laugh.
Right - I really can't put going to bed off any longer so goodnight to you all. Ailsa x

Ailsa,

I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Almost five months have past since my wife died and I know how difficult is the time you are passing through now. Yesterday I read the entries of the diary I keep since Maria passed away and recalled all the feelings, the desperation and anguish of those first weeks.

Take care
Antonio

Hi Ailsa and everyone xxx

Yesterday was bit better, not nearly as tearful although still waiting for the 1st day when I don`t have a few tears at some stage during the day!!

Heard from the bereavement fund and that is all sorted so that`s good news. Got a lovely memorial card from the undertakers this morning, more tears!!

Daughter is watching me like a hawk bless her, we`ve been invited to a bbq later down the road. Waiting to see what the weather`s like and if I really want to go?!

Basileus66 I remember reading some of your posts when you first lost your wife, really felt for you and here we are too now xxx

Love to all

Helen xxx

Hi Helen,

Thanks for your kind words, though, to be honest, it would have been better if none of us would have had the need to post here ever!

I did cry all days for almost four months... now some days cry, somedays don't. Though everytime I see a photo of her or some of her stuff in the house or some significative date or event approaches, I can't stop the tears. And actually I want not to stop them either! I have become to realise that crying is the best, if not the only, therapy to cope with this rollercoaster that we must ride.

Your children will be an anchor for you in more senses you can imagine now. For me, they were. They are. They kept me sane when I was so desperate that I begged to die. They forced me to distract my darkest thoughts to focus in their small problems at the school, or social relationships... Actually I did learn to enjoy going shopping with my daughter! (she is that kind of slim, beautiful young girl that fits in any kind of clothes, so is a pleasure to watch her making her choices and trying to define her own style).

I won't lie to you: the months ahead will be the toughest and saddest of your life. That's inevitable, so don't try to fight against the pain. Just yield to your feelings, even if sometimes you think they are about to overpower you. Cry as much as you need. It's the only way to heal. Though the scars will be with you the rest of your life.

Next 1st June I will defend my Ph. dissertation. I should be thrilled, but I am not. Maria was the force after my research... She kept me going when I thought I was without ideas or thought about to give up with the writing. She would have been so proud! And now... I feel cheated, if you know what I mean. Doing something so important without her at my side is like if God is playing dirty tricks at me.

Be strong, Helen, and take care... And cry as much as you need!

Antonio

Good evening Helen and Antonio. It has been yet another strange day. My son and his friend have been round and finished my garden fence and repaired a generator that Chris was anxious to have repaired - don't know what I will do with it now but at least it works. I also had a visit from a work colleague who lost her husband suddenly 18 months ago. They were abroad at the time and her tale is quite horrific. After she had gone home I found myself wondering if what happened to her made my loss any easier? The simple answer is - no it doesn't. Her husband was well until a week before he died then she went through a nightmare in a foreign hospital with all the language problem and then repatriation. Chris has made my life as simple as he could after his death by insisting that we researched all finances before his death but I had 18 months of the cancer rollercoaster as we tried to save his life. The truth is that I think that my friend and I started our hell at almost the same time, she with her husband's sudden death and me with my husband's slow road to death. We have both cried today so I am still with you and the daily crying Helen. Thank you Antonio for saying it is okay to cry whenever we want. It is good to be told it is okay. I have cried since I read your story - your wife sounds lovely. Good luck with your dissertation on the 1st.
I hope you went to your BBQ Helen? I am having some family round here tomorrow for a BBQ - the weather is going to be lovely. It means I get to spend the day in Chris's garden.
I hope the rest of the weekend is good for everyone. Ailsa x

Hi All xxx

Ailsa - I was a miserable c*w and didn`t go to the bbq, oops!!! But daughter persuaded me to go shopping today and feel much brighter tonight. She`s a good girl!!

What a difference each day is????

Hope you`re all enjoying the sunshine xxx

Helen xxx

Hello everyone. Like Helen I hope everyone has been enjoying the sunshine today. I have had my parents and 2 of my 3 children round for a BBQ. Has to be done - I have a lovely garden that Chris made especially to be used for BBQs. I sneaked upstairs while no-one was looking to have a minute on my own, We were doing exactly what we should have been doing but it just doesn't feel the same. Chris loved BBQs. He loved cooking and he loved me to get all the kit out. He loved us to search my ipod afterwards for all the music from our 'youth'. I can't believe he won't be at anymore BBQs. I will be very glad when today is finished as it has been hard. I miss Chris more today than I have any other day but I also know he would approve of today. What a pickle this whole thing is. Take care everyone - I think I might try shopping instead tomorrow Helen. Ailsa X

Hi Ailsa

Well done for getting through such a hard day. Chris would have approved but it`s so hard when it`s not the same anymore xxx

I`m going to spend the day gardening today, daughter stayed at friends last night and going out with them today but keeps texting and checking on me. Had to assure I`m ok, son still in bed!!!

I haven`t got my parents alive but my in laws are so good (Paul was an only child) and they keep checking on me. Crazy really as it has affected us all but feel I`m the one they`re all looking out for. Need to pull myself together and look out for them too xxx

Have a good bank holiday

Helen xxx