My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 16 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Good morning Helen. I'm glad I have done the first BBQ so others will be easy because I have no excuse. I really did miss Chris though once all the organising died down and everyone had eaten. That would normally have been the time when Chris was telling me to sit down and stop fussing round everyone - "They can get their own drinks now".

You are right about everyone checking on us all the time. I have a big family and Chris has a big family although there are only a few of them that I see regularly. I haven't had a day without people checking on me so far. It is a bit tiring at times but I appreciate it. It would be awful if no-one cared enough to check.

I did a lot of gardening yesterday and tomorrow my Dad is going to help me set up a water system as it really is hard work watering all my plants. It was hard to keep up to when Chris was ill but I never had time to set up the system. I am also going to take some plants to the cemetery to put on Chris's grave now that some of the flowers from the service are beginning to die.
Looks like another busy day ahead for me - what about you?
Ailsa x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Morning Ailsa

Daughter is dragging me shopping again today!! We`re going to Manchester tomorrow for a makeover and photo shoot (it was a xmas present off Paul, we booked it a while ago so we are still going to have it done) so daughter needs shoes!!

Just hope the make up artist is good, hee hee!!

Tonight I`m going to a beetle drive, daughter is fund raising for her Ranger group to go to Amsterdam in the summer so I`m going along to support with my friend and her sons.

Still not had a tear free day though, not all bad I suppose

Have a good day

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Helen. I have some sort of make-over to use. My daughter bought it for me for Christmas! I was thinking I might buy the 2 girls one each and then we can all go! I hope you have fun tomorrow. Did you get the shoes? I have spent the day on chores and the garden today before I get visitors later in the week and then I am going away for the weekend. I don't think I have ever really known what a beetle drive is but it sounds like it might be fun? Like you I seem to have settled into not getting through a day without tears. I am worst first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Ailsa x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi everyone. I have woken up really missing Chris today. I am excited about going to see Becky this weekend but I am getting more and more apprehensive about going back to work on Monday. I am still going to do it but I think it is going to be hard. It is the whole 'life goes on' thing that is upsetting. Going back to work is another step forward in my life that doesn't feel like it should go on. I thought I would be bothered about dealing with people but as it gets closer it isn't that at all. Carrying on on my own is the big problem.

Yesterday my Mum & Dad came round for a few hours and helped me install a watering system in my garden to keep it looking nice. We were really absorbed in what we were doing and all of a sudden for a split second I thought 'I haven't checked Chris recently!'. The thought only lasted for a tiny moment before I just as quickly realised what I was thinking. Moments like that are very hard to get over.

I have a few more practical things to do for chris today - letting banks know etc so I am going to get on with that and then see how I feel. Take care. Ailsa x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Yes, daughter got her shoes!!! Had a lovely day at the makeover.Decided to go on the train, save finding somewhere to park in Manchester. Found the place easy enough and were greeted by lovely friendly people. Bucks fizz, tea, coffee, water, etc offered all day.

Had our hair done first, both had it coloured and washed and blo dried. Then nails and make up, didn't recognise myself in the mirror

Time for photos!!!!

Photographer was lovely and I was still nervous but he put us at ease. Different rooms/backgrounds and change of outfits. Then the results, we were pleasantly surprised that there were actually quite a few we liked

That's when the tears started , looking at the photos I suddenly got a strange feeling about one of the photos that Paul would really like that one, maybe he was trying to tell me!!!! Had the girl in tears too . Oh well, I didn't smudge the make up earlier!!

We chose a larger one of the 2 of us and 4 each of us on our own.Got to wait 6 - 8 weeks now though.

Had a lovely tea on Deansgate in an Italian tapas restaurant.

You should treat yourself and your daughters.

Well done Ailsa for going back to work on Monday xxx I` m going in on Monday for a coffee and to see everyone then go back next week too. I`ve chickened out in a way by not going straight back on Monday but feel I need to see everyone first and get that over with. Know what you mean too about not really wanting life to `go on` feels wrong doing everything without them doesn`t it? (((((())))))) but they would want us to enjoy life, I know Paul always asked me what was I going to do `after` but it was a question I couldn`t think about, let alone answer.

I`m going to do few more phone calls today, did so well first couple of weeks but have let it slip lately.

Speak later

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Helen (little H)
I wanted to send you this message because my husband died 2nd of May 2009 and He was only 45 His name was Paul.
I am just sitting by the computer after putting my little once (5 and 19months) to bed and trying to find some help......
Thank you for writing your stories.
Libby

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Good morning Helen and good morning Libby. Your children are so young Libby. I bet you hardly have a minute to think during the day and then far too many minutes to think when they are asleep. My husband died on the 2nd of May as well. We are here for you to speak with if you need us. Very little makes me feel any better but coming on here and finding someone has spoken to me does lift my spirits. Do you have family and friends close by? I have never been so reliant on those close as I am now. I am far to good at practical things but if it wasn't for family I would never slow down. I hope I hear from you again.

Helen - your makeover and photo-shoot sound like they were good fun. It is a pity you have to wait so long for the photos. I will sort mine out for the 3 of us in a few weeks. I had another day sorting out banks and making phone calls yesterday. Sky were the worst - 25 mins to do something Yorkshire Water did in one minute! I am going to the bank to pay off the mortgage today. That was the thing top of Chris's list to sort out and yet, pleased as I am that I am about to do it there is no satisfaction in it as I don't have Chris to share it with.

I met with a work colleague yesterday and spoke about going back on Monday. My boss is very concerned that I should take it steady. I am going in an hour later than my normal start time. That way it is only half an hour until we all go for coffee. Should be just enough time to say hello and fire up my PC. Apparently he is not expecting me to stay all day in the first week at least so I will take advantage of that and perhaps go home at lunchtime. I think it will be more tiring that I was expecting at first. Wish me luck and good luck when you go in for coffee with your colleagues on Monday as well. I have a busy day ahead and I am going away to stay with my eldest daughter tonight. Taking my youngest with me. Have a lovely weekend - you as well Libby. The weather is supposed to be on our side! Ailsa x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Ailsa and Libby

Ailsa I am hoping to pay my mortgage off soon too but it isn`t all completed yet. Like you I found the water people great yesterday. Rang the tax too, that`s all clear.

No set plans for the weekend, but the weather is looking great. Not quite the same without someone to share it though is it? Will get out and do the garden probably. Maybe take the dog out somewhere too, he`s been a bit neglected lately poor thing and he`s missing Paul too!!

Hi Libby, hope you`re ok. My `babies` are 15 and 17, must be so hard with little ones although they do keep you going. I work with 3 and 4 year olds so hoping when I get back to work they will keep me busy. I hope you keep posting, like Ailsa said not much makes you feel better at the moment but the messages on here have definitely helped. Was your Paul poorly before he died? My story is on my profile

Speak soon

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Ailsa

Have a lovely weekend at your daughters and good luck on Monday of I don`t catch you before then xxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Ailsa and Helen,
Paul has a pancreatic cancer. I still can see it, him last few days before he died. I can not stop thinking about all what was happening......
The worst was to keep our little once some how away.
He did suffer a lot before he died.
I wish I had a strength to write you all about last 18 months.
I miss Paul terribly .............
Now I don't know what to do first all this paper work. Is there any structure where to start????
Oh I must go to bed Nico will keep me busy since 6am........
Speak soon
Libby

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?