My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Helen,

I know what you mean about the holidays - it is the same as the weekends - before you used to dream for them to come quickly as you couldn't wait for them and now you dread them. Work is okay and keeping me busy and clients have mostly been fine. I have one client who has been through a similar thing so he sent me a lovely email today. Glad to hear the fitness programme has started. I have taken a leaf out of Kev's book and started on my wii fit. It does make you feel a bit better - especially the boxing game - gets all that aggression out :-) We will need to start a fitness challenge and we will all be gym bunnies before the summer holidays are out!

My kids were away for 2 nights and came back today so it was nice to see them. Before my husband died it was a battle to get the kids to talk to you on the phone when they were away as they were always too busy but my eldest kept phoning me this time and even phoned me at my work yesterday morning to say Hi Mum, how are you doing? I thought how lovely but could feel the tears coming as he was obviously worried. Will just have to keep an eye on them.

I got my new necklace today for keeping some of Wully's ashes in. It is really nice and very wearable and I had it engraved with a nice message on the back. Just need to pluck up the courage to open up the ashes to get some out.

Take care everyone.

Gayle x

Hi everyone. I haven't been on here for a few days. I have been very tired since the weekend but also had things I wanted to do before coming to see Becky and Declan. I got myself really stressed but I am here now and a whole lot calmer today. Becky has gone off to work and Declan is wrapped up in a quilt watching TV enjoying the first day of his school holidays.
It is my 32nd wedding anniversary today and I think that was upsetting me as well. However I am pleased to say that I have had no tears so far today. I am trying hard to divert my thoughts to all the lovely times Chris and I had in the 34 years that we knew each other and be grateful for that. It won't work all day as I am still tired and when that catches up this evening it will be more difficult to not cry but maybe by then it will be just what I need as Gayle was saying that she read we should make ourselves cry sometimes.
One of the many things I was trying to do before I came to Becky's was get my Wii parcelled up and sent off for repair. I managed to do it yesterday so when that gets done I will be able to join in with the Wii fitness thing and use my as yet unused Wii fit!
Poor Brad, losing the Battle of Hastings! But better to lose it to your Dad than you Kev! I am sure he will enjoy Southend. I have a few things planned with Declan including bowling and Diggerland when we get back to Barnsley next week. I'm probably more excited than he is but hey-ho.
I would be interested to know how you get on with the 'stepping stones' group Helen. On bad days I wonder if a group or counselling would help. I haven't been offered anything though so I might have to go looking for something if I decide to try it. I find myself re-living Chris's last evening a lot. He also died at home and had conversations with many people during that day. I am still shocked at how fast he died in the end and am curious that the nurses who had visited that day and that week seemed surprised as well.
I have to say - this is really nice having the time to relax and catch up without looking at the clock to see if it is time for work or bed. I think I really needed this 2 weeks off.
How have you managed with Wully's ashes for your necklace Gayle?
I hope you got the photo sorted out okay Susie.
Hi Greame.
How are you doing Fiona?

I had better check whether Declan needs any breakfast! Take care everyone. Ailsa xx

Hi Helen. I don't mind you wishing me happy anniversary at all. I am trying to focus on the happy side of it. I went to Chris's grave yesterday and gave the grass round it a bit of a trim so that he would look cared for for today. Silly - but it makes me feel better. Good luck with the journey to the airport - sounds like you could do with a sat nav. Chris always knew how to get anywhere (without sat nav). I think it was years of visiting various pubs and clubs to sing. They always seem to be in obscure places down back streets. I'm sure the route planner will work though. I used that before I had sat nav.

You will miss your daughter this weekend but it will be nice for her to go to Amsterdam. Declan is keeping me occupied showing me all his xbox games. I think we are going to have a DS challenge in a minute.

I really hadn't realised how much I needed this time off. Pity it is only 2 weeks and not 6. Ailsa xx

Hi all. Glad you got the shirt Kev. I will get Declan's next week. He wants Grandad 52 on his. If you go for a coffee machine they are cheaper in Tesco. I'm enjoying being at Becky's. She is on her Wii fit right now. I have never seen the Wii fit in action so it is good to see it in action before I start on mine - can't wait to do a bit of that hula hooping milarky! I have had no tears so far today. I am really pleased as it means I have successfully done the good memories thing for our anniversary. I think I have been better because I am with Becky & Declan. I don't feel inclined to get upset in front of Declan in particular. I am not holding back just for his sake but it is just that with them for distraction I am not spending any time dwelling. Comes back to the fact that kids are marvellous things again doesn't it. When Becky finishes on the Wii we are going to have something to eat and a glass of wine. There is not much time left for tears today so I am pleased to say I have done it. The tears will keep for another day and will not be spoiling our anniversary. Thanks for the hugs Kev.

I'm glad you did the airport trip okay Helen - well done. I am sure I heard that the weather was going to be good next week so if that is true I look like having a nice couple of weeks off and it will be a good start to everyone's school holidays as well.
Have a good evening everyone. Ailsa xx