My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 16 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Everyone,
Sorry not posted but just had a horrendous weekend i have just cried all weekrnd don't know whats went wrong but maybe like a lot of us just realiseing Derek is not coming back. Ended up upsetting my daighter Kim as had to get her to come in, it's also a year on Fri since my mum died and i miss her so much as well. I ended up at my sisteres and just cried there as well so had to take diazapam although i don't want to. Think with not sleeping it's not helping but today another day and i am ready for work so hope have a better day. When i read the posts it makes me realise i am not in this alone.
Helen well done to your daughter for doing the race for life, Galye hope work goes ok but it does put routine into our life's again, Kev what you up tp today with Brad? Susie thinking of you just try and keep strong for your family. Alsia hope you are ok? sorry if i have missed anyone out. Well better get off to work and face another day. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi all, hi Fiona, sorry you had an awful weekend, but I do tell people to cry as there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying and we all do it, so if you need to, you cry and then cry some more if you want and we'll give you some ((((((((((hugs))))))))) and xxxxxx's, cor good job no one can see me now..... Hope your day at work is ok for you.

As for Brad, well I'm not doing much with him today (house work) but we are going to Hastings tomorrow with my dad, we'll take the umbrellas with us!!

Take care everyone.

Kev xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello ladies and Kev,

Work went okay - I managed 3 hours which was good although a bit teary at times. I suppose it will get easier. I am an accountant and had a run in with a horrible client who sent me a moaning email about lack of commmunication over the past few weeks so I just put him straight and told him I was sorry but my husband died suddenly and that was why there was lack of communication. I wouldn't have done it if it was a nice client as he felt about 2in tall afterwards and apologied profusely. Apart from that it was fine and I have enough work to keep me going for a long while. My boss was great too (as always) and agreed to me working in the office 2 days a week and at home 2 days a week so that was good. Had my house surveyed today for the home report and it should be on the market by the end of the week and a few financial things came through so that was peace of mind also. Also got a nice surprise that one pension company who I thought would send a little lump sum, are actually sending a not bad lump sum, plus an annual pension for me, plus an annual pension for both boys to last until they are 23 so that means they will have a nice tidy sum in the bank for when they are 18 as a nice present from their Dad. Wully would have been very pleased as we didn't know anything about it before.

Had an okay day yesterday as went for some retail therapy although felt rubbish when I got home. Went into M&S and bought some more ready meals to have a change from the weightwatchers ones!

Ailsa, love the coffee machine and the football shirts and well done to your daughter. I did a walk for the hospice in May as I couldn't run the length of myself but my sister is doing her first marathon in October and is being sponsered for the hospice so we are all very proud.

Fiona, so sorry you had a bad weekend. Crying is good. I haven't cried for a week and I need to if you know what I mean. Horrible analogy but I read in a book grief is like being ill and if you don't cry then you should make yourself cry every so often to make you feel a bit better. A bit like when you are nauseous but can't be sick and you just have to be. Thats how I feel at the moment but I am too frightened to look at photos or listen to music in case I don't stop.

Helen, loved that you "enjoyed" the funeral. My husband too was a huge music fan and has load of records. He was into rock and roll and rockabilly and had a zephyr when he was young with pink hair styled in a quiff!! He too picked his own music but too be honest I couldn't enjoy the funeral. I know what you mean though as I have enjoyed other ones but I think I was just too uptight and stressed about it.

Susie, so sorry for how you are feeling now. I remember the feeling before my husbands funeral and it was awful. I felt sick constantly and couldn't eat - I just wanted it over and done with and even up to leaving didn't want to go but knew I needed to. We will all be thinking about you.

Kev, hope you are keeping the wee one occupied today. Our weather is rubbish up here but the kids are at their gran and grandas so they can worry about entertaining them!

Take care everyone

Gayle x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi everyone hope you are all ok, your right Ailsa I will try to choose a photo myself I know that it's going to be diffcult but to be honest everything about being a widow is diffcult.
Susie x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Fiona just read your post and know exactly how your feeling it's awful when you can't stop crying in the end I like you have to take diazapam but you do what you have to anything that's help's to get through this black time
Susie x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Everyone,
Well got on not too bad today at least a lot better as yesterday, my daughter and her husband came in and made tea for me tonight and we went on a treasure hunt round our town it's our civic week so something on most nights this week, we did not to bad but was not in the first three better luck next year. It so hard when you go to these things now and you see all the couples it does make me sad. Hope everybody is having a good night, better get off to bed as working in the morning.
Take Care
Fiona xxxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi everyone. Some of us seem to be having a dodgy time right now. I hope you and Brad have a great day at Hastings tomorrow Kev. Tell us all about it when you get back as it looks like we need cheering up. I could not go to bed last night so I have been tired all day. I ended up in bed sobing myself to sleep. I have been so good recently as well. I thought maybe I was over a hump but clearly not. I am going to try to be more responsible and go to bed as soon as I have done this post. I need to have a focus in my life and I have no idea what it should be so I am trying everything. I have been to a village neighbourhood watch meeting this evening. I have volunteered to be the treasurer if they take me up on it.

I hope you were able to sort out the photo Susie. I will be thinking about you through this hard time. I just wanted it over as well. I so much wanted to do Chris justice and put far too much pressure on myself. His funeral was wonderful but I really couldn't enjoy celebrating his life as I wanted to do right by everyone else and kept worrying about their sadness.

Your civic week sounds like more fun than my neighbourhood watch meeting Fiona. I can't believe I am reduced to finding neighbourhood watch fun! I only have 2 days left at work then I have a fortnight off. I can't wait. I have my Grandson for the first week and a half but I am looking forward to it. We will set the world to rights in the next 10 days - you watch!

Take care everyone - I am off to bed to see if I can get this tiredness under control. Love to all. Ailsa xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello everyone, there will be a battle in Hastings tomorrow between me and Brad, he will want to spend all his money in the amusements in one go.

Hope everyone has a better day tomorrow.

We must all try and keep away from the "dark side" it's hard to get out of once you're there. I nearly went to the "dark side", I didn't eat, lost one and a half stone and collapsed at the bottom of the stairs at 12 midnight and thought I was going to die right there and then. I got over that part but still had silly thoughts going through my head. So keep away from it if you can, think about what your husband/wife/partner would say. Sorry about that everyone.

Take care, love Kev xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

whats that aries ?

mods v rockers on the sea front at hastings tomorrow....

dam, to late for me to get there.....

have a great day...of course you will what ever the weather....

just been out on the sea front here tonight for fish n chips from the
"newish" harry ramsdens..£16-40p for fish and chips twice and an extra fish....

robbing gits, but to be honest the fish are huge and ya get loads of chips...

west ham ? aaaa thats jellied eels and mash isnt it ??

rofl...
.
[ off topic post but i had to say hi to aries ]

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi everyone

Gayle I`m glad you got back to work, I think it`s been the best thing for me. Although tomorrow I break up for 6 weeks hols so will see how I get on with so much time. Think I`ll make lots of lists!!!

Susie hope your funeral arrangements are going according to plan xx

Fiona hope you`re feeling brighter today. I had a wobble last night, turning lights off to go to bed and I started sobbing and missing Paul coming up with me. Daughter had gone for a shower so I thought I`ll pull myself together to say night to her then have a cry in bed! Well, she came in and asked could she get in with me for the night. She hasn`t done that since the night Paul died. It was qite comforting though, we had a chat and went to sleep so no more tears xxx

Ailsa I start my hols tomorrow too but I`ve got 4 weeks longer than you whether I want them or not!! Daughter goes to Amsterdam on Thursday - Monday also so will miss having her around.

Kev how was the `battle in Hastings` lol x Who won?? I know what you mean about stepping away from the dark side. It would be so easy but none of our loved ones want that, they want us to be happy. I have replied to our local hospice`s `Stepping stones` though. It is their bereavement group so I am going to get an appointment. I have a few questions about Paul`s last evening that have played on my mind as he was at home with me and I ask myself if he was aware of his surroundings,even the gp on call who came out didn`t suggest he was near the end, it was such a shock just because he went so quickly. Going out of curiosity too to see if it helps or if I need it.

I`ve been to the gym tonight and started building my fitness programme so that should keep me busy while I`m off

Love and hugs to everyone

Helen xxx

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?