My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 15 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Kev and Helen

Thank you for your post's It help's to speak to others who understand totally how I am feeling I had to go out earlier to get something for my youngest daughter whose is 13yrs I went on my own and cried for most of the car journey! actually it was a relief not having to hold back the tears when I am with the children at home I have to try and be the strong one although the children who are teenagers are coping really well and are a great comfort to me, I know that I will never get over losing my husband he was only 45 and died very quickly within 3 months but life I know has a habit of dragging you along with it whether you want to go or not .
Take care both of you
Susie x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Susie I cry in the car a lot!!! More often on the way too and from work!

My 2 are 15 and 17 and a great comfort too, in the early days we all cried together but lately I have been trying to hide the tears but it`s not easy, I think we have to still let them see us crying sometimes. My hubbie was 42 and it was quick in the end. Miss him so much but like you say life drags you along and we have to carry on don`t we. Paul wanted us all to be happy so we need to do that for him, it might just take a while (sorry Paul! xxx)

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Helen and Susie, 42, 45 what age is that eh, Di was 45 when she died and she had a terrible time in the end and it wasn't quick, I think going quick is best as seeing them in so much pain for so long is just awful, and yes we do have to be strong for the ones who left us and for the ones who are with us (I confused myself there), so as much as it hurts (and boy does it hurt) to continue we must for their sakes, and if we all stick together we will get through this as we owe it to our loved ones.

Kev xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Evening Kev xx

Yes, sticking together on here is helping me sooo much xxx and we do owe it to our loved ones.xxx

What`s everyone up to tonight? My 2 have gone to a concert so I have got the house to myself. Just poured a glass of wine and heated up some leftover shepherds pie, I know how to live!!!

Hope everyone is ok and making the best of tonight

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello everyone. Hello Susie. You are so right about sticking together on here. I haven't been on for a couple of days and I really began to miss this this evening. I really don't like to share my feelings with very many people because I feel like I am dragging their mood down with me. If I come on here I know we all know how each other might be feeling and have a better idea what might help, even if it is just by being there and listening. You are right about them all being too young Kev. Chris was only 52. I don't feel like he went quickly. I am not really sure what 'quickly' is when it comes to cancer. He was ill for less than 2 years and died 18 months after diagnosis. He died less than 3 months after being told he wasn't going to get better and that seemed very quick. When is your husband's funeral next week Susie?

I haven't had a bad week this week but I went for a few drinks after work today and after a couple of hours I began to feel very isolated. I had a laugh but still kept remembering that I was coming home to an empty house. This grief thing still seems to put a massive dampner on everything.

I know it will be upsetting having to sell the house Gayle but it will be really nice to move closer to your family. My parents moved close to me about 7 years ago. I had misgivings at the time but I am grateful now. I am glad to hear the house is worth more than you thought so I hope it sells quickly now.

I have had no letters at all from any of the people who looked after Chris. He died over a bank holiday weekend. The District nurse phoned the morning after he died and came round to collect all his unused dressings. She asked how I was but I have heard nothing since. The Macmillan nurse rang on the Tuesday after the bank holiday but I have heard nothing since. The only contact from my GP was when I went to see him for a routine repeat prescription otherwise I don't believe he would have contacted me even now. I have heard nothing at all from Chris's consultant surgeon or oncologist. I am quite disgusted really. They all gave me the impression that they were really impressed at how well I managed looking after Chris and how little help they had to give us but I think it is a huge presumption on their part that I am okay now and don't need them to at least check on me. I think I am quite shocked by what happened to Chris and especially with how quickly he went in the last month of his life. I regard myself as fairly normal (I hope!) and I am very disappointed to figure out that there is no follow up in our community for grieving families. However, dispite them all, I am pleased to say that we all support each other very well on here and I hope everyone else continues to feel the same. We can stick together and be there for each other.
I am planning a relaxed weekend as I will have my Grandson with me for the next 2 weekends - need all my energy!! I am going to have a couple of glasses of wine with the kids and get a few jobs done over the weekend. How about everyone else? Ailsa xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Evening Ailsa

Good to hear from you. No plans for tomorrow, might go to the gym with daughter and a swim.

Sunday daughter is doing race for life in our neighbours place (who is also her friend) as she has broken her foot and they are running in Paul`s memory. We hadn`t registered as we did walk for hospice so will probably go and cheer them on.

Have a good one everyone

Helen xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

I did used to look forward to the weekends but now they just feel diffcult and long... has everyone stayed in the homes that they shared with their partners I have been asked a few times if I am going to sell the house and move because people assume that the memories are to sad for me to stay here I admit its painful remembering him sat in a certain chair or out in the garden but it also makes me feel closer to him if that makes sense I am sorry if I am sounding so low I really don't want to drag everyone down
Susie x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Don`t be sorry Susie

I find weekends hard too xxx Something we`ve got to get used to eh? I am still in our house with the children. The mortgage is paid so it is mine, maybe in years to come I may move to something smaller but I have no plans at the moment. I feel safe here and have great neighbours. That means a lot

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

You are right Helen I also feel safe in my house and I have great neighbours as well and actually Franco and I were very happy here so there really is no reason to move in fact just before he passed away he said to me to stay in the house because in that way he would always know where to find me
Susie x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello everyone, I have just got back from that flamin' shopping (ggrrrrrr). It is hard coming into our homes without our loved ones being here, still expect Di to open the door!!

Helen, you are right when you say don't be sorry 'cause we shouldn't be.

Ailsa, good to hear from you, and again 52 what sort of age is that!!. Sorry when I said it's better to go quick what I meant was at the very very end, gosh no I wanted Di to be here, it's just that when her onc told her that she only had two weeks to live, at that point she gave up and died two and a half days later, during those days..... well it was bad.....and it would of been kinder for her to go in her sleep but it isn't like that is ?? Our GP hasn't been in touch with me either, again no one from the Hospital.

Helen and Susie and all of us there is nothing wrong with crying I do it all the time.

Susie, when Di died people said to me are you going to get a new bed? why should I Di never done anything to me and I kept the bed. It was only about 2 weeks ago that I bought a new quilt set, there I was in Debenhams with Brad going round and round in circles when a very nice lady said "can I help you" well what a relief.

On a more cheerful note, Brad got his first School report from his first year in Secondary School and it was a very good report and I am so proud of him and as a reward when we went shopping I bought him a ds game, when we got home he charged his ds up took the game out of the box and started crying.......the wrong game was in the box, so of we went back to Asda.

As for the weekend,we are going to my Aunts for dinner on Saturday and I haven't got a clue about the rest of the holiday!!!

Ps I do have several quilts incase you thought that I had that one on all the time.

"lets stick together" love and hugs to everyone.

Kev xxxxxxxxx

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?