My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Fiona and Sue ((((((())))))))

I too know how you feel, for us it is so hard to be on our own but our children need us to be strong, my 2 are 15 and 17. Both with such a bright future ahead. That is what we are still here for, not the same without our loved ones but such an important job. Tears again!!!! Time for bed!!

Night all

Helen xxx

Hi, thanks everyone for your kind words and guess what even more tears, what is wrong with us lot tonight eh!! Oh I'm just gonna give you all one mighty big hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugggggggssssss)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) blimey thats alot. Good night everyone and sweet dreams.

Kev xx

Hi everyone. I think we are all going to be the same tonight - tears before bed. I am really glad I have had a quick look in before I go to bed. I have been so sad today but for all the same reasons as each of you have had your sad moments. My kids are 21, 26 & 29. All grown up and none at home, although 2 haven't fallen very far from the nest and the other one rings every day! They keep me going and keep me cheerful. The joking around is brilliant Kev. Like Helen, I have to say that Chris was the joker - he even finished his video on a bit of a funny. He was a professional entertainer for 23 years and I miss the banter so much. It is a wonderful way to get by so keep it up Kev. None of them would have wanted us to feel like we are feeling right now so we owe it to them to cheer up and celebrate their lives. I am shocking at cooking as well right now and I am usually a good cook - I had sandwiches for tea! Your verse reminds me of what I have to do Sue so thank you for that. Tomorrow will be a better day than today has been. I still keep planning things to prove I am trying - I am going to see the English Mystery Plays on Saturday as a late birthday treat from a friend. Take care everyone - I'm off to bed. Ailsa xx

Just a final quick note - Kev - my shoulder is killing me today from using that drill. There must be an easier way than the way I was doing it, it took so long!!! I would take lessons if I could be bothered. Ailsa x

Hi everyone, not quite gone yet, Ailsa if your shoulder hurts try putting the drill on "hammer" if drilling into walls and make sure you have the right drill bit in, it should say on the box what drill bit to use for wood or walls if Chris kept them in a box.

Kev xx

Evening Ailsa

Glad you`re feeling brighter today, so am I!! Feel so different from yesterday, like you say enjoy it while it lasts xxx Next part of the rollercoaster!!!

Passed the 2 month anniversary yesterday, maybe it was that. Who knows??? Felt a bit of anger today in the way of why Paul, he was too young and not lived enough of his life!!! Not fair, at all!!!!

I`ve got a quiet night tonight too, well if you don`t count son with his friend round and daughter chatting about her day, all good fun!!!

Hope everyone is ok

Helen xxx

Hi everyone, even the skies cried so it wasn't just us eh!! Glad you are all feeling better lets try and keep it that way for while anyway. If it's ok with you all I want to share a song with you, I just think the words are lovely and I don't know about anyone else but since Diane died the words of songs seem to mean more to me than ever before, I never really listened to the words before, strange but true. I know everyone has their own special songs but I hope you like it. By the way Di never got to hear it. Di hated the word cancer and called her cancer "Eric" after Eric Morcombe because he made her laugh, did anyone else do anything like that? Right heres the song.



The cry of the city like a siren's song

Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long

Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky

Must be someone's soul passing by



These are the streets

Where we used to run where your Papa's from

These are the days

Where you become what you become

These are the streets

Where the story's told

The truth unfolds

Darkness settles in



Shine your light down on me

Lift me up so i can see

Shine your light when you're gone

Give me the strength

To carry on, carry on



Don't wanna be a hero

Just an everyday man

Trying to do the job the very best he can

But now it's like living on borrowed time

Out on the rim, over the line

Always tempting fate like a game of chance

Never wanna stick around to the very last dance

Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall

Loose(?) hold your grip off the wall



Shine your light down on me

Lift me up so i can see

Shine your light when you're gone

Give me the strength to carry on

Carry on



I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road

Maybe trying to find his way home



He's here but not here

He's gone but not gone

Just hope he knows if I get lost



Shine your light down on me

Lift me up so i can see

Shine your light when you're gone

Give me the strength to carry on

To carry on





Sung by Robbie Robertson from the film Ladder 49





Nice song eh, well I hope you liked it.

Kev xx

Hi Everyone,
Hope you are all ok today, i have been catching up in all the posts and Thank You all very much for the kind words and i am taking them all on board. I know i have to keep strong for my family especially for my daughter who is expecting her first baby in Nov and is finding it hard to cope at the moment suppose her hormones are all over the place just now . Also had a son in tears the other night as well wishing his dad was still here. I think they have been so strong for me it is just all catching up in them now. A few tears today again but not so bad as the last few days. Kev i am like you listening to songs now they mean more to me, the words are nice to the song you just posted.. My daughter decided to get married after Derek was diagnosed so we just had a few weeks to arrange everything as she wanted her dad there. She picked a lovely song for her and her dad to dance too ( i saw her first) by Heartland and there was not a dry eye in the place. I am so glad for them both that he saw her get married and looked so well that day. Well i better get off to bed and see how i sleep tonight i find this time the hardest climbing the stairs all alone o dear tears started night night .
Take Care
Fiona xxx

This is the first time I have been back here since my dear husband David died on January 18th.He had malignant melanoma which quickly spread to his liver and lungs. He went to a lovely hospice near here, but he did not even last one day there. I wish he had stayed at home with me. I feel so bereft and so alone.People ask me if I am lonely, but I am not lonely for people, I am just so totally alone without my soulmate.

It is now six months since he died. I kept busy applying for probate  and managing to sort out finances. I even did a tax return for him...anything that kept me going.

Now it is all done and I do not feel any better. I go through the motions of going to the gym, going out with friends and have even been on a holiday, but my emotions are completely raw and I hurt inside. I find myself crying if anyone expresses sympathy either in person or on the phone and find emailing is my best form of communication.

We were married 47 years and I miss David so much I cannot imagine I will ever get over the feelings of guilt, anger and sheer misery that have engulfed me since he died.

We can all only hope that the overwhelming feelings we endure will turn into happier memories with the passing of time. At present I cannot imagine that happening. I send all of you my sympathy. We all know what it is like to lose someone you love to this dreadful disease.

The only comfort I have is that David slipped away and was not in any pain all through his illness.

If only I could have him back.

Gingerlil