Bereavement Q&A – practical solutions to common problems

QUESTION from Missus E: Similar stuff, poor concentration, unable to read a book, unable to remember what I've done over the last few days.  Find I'm able to 'blag' quite a bit but get caught out when someone asks a direct question. Particularly in work when I have to deliver presentations, if someone asks  a question I immediately panic, realise everyone is waiting for my answer and doubt the validity of anything I've been saying.  Feeling very overwhelmed and incompetent.  Will i always be like this now??? My big man departed 7 months ago but this sometimes feels like a lifetime...........

ANSWER: @Missus E We are sorry to hear about your big man departing.  We can honestly say that we too experience anxiety when having to give a presentation or answer important questions at work, never mind having to do these things whilst grieving.  Grief can deplete our confidence levels and make us feel more vulnerable, which can make tasks that we would have ordinarily found ok that much harder.  We would first like to suggest that you pat yourself on the back for just getting out of bed in the morning, let alone having to do presentations at work.  Recognise that you are doing the very best that you can.  Controlled breathing exercises can be very helpful in slowing the heart rate as a way of reversing the body’s anxiety response.  For details of how to do this you can visit our page here: http://thelossfoundation.org/anxiety-panic/

QUESTION from amanda45: My husband passed away 9 months ago from Pancreatic Cancer and I am having real problems returning to work.  We both worked for the same company but in different departments on the same site.  I have attempted to return twice - one after 3 months but only last 2 days, the send time after 6 months and managed 6 weeks.  I am now understandably form a their point of view being pressured to return again but the thought of it gives me anxiety attacks.  My GP has put me on antidepressants but they have not had time to really get into my system (1 week ago). I can't seem to concentrate and have no motivation as all work orientated issues seem so mundane and unimportant.  Financially I need to get back but just can't bear the thought of going on site again. I have had counselling and hypnosis but neither have really helped. Any tips to overcome this?

ANSWER: @amanda45 We are sorry to hear about your husband, it sounds like you have been trying really hard to get back into your normal pattern of work.  Well done for trying!  Often we do not how we will feel in the future so it is hard to predict how soon to return to work.  It may be worth exploring with your boss whether it is possible to have a graded return to work.  Counselling and hypnosis can be helpful however if these have not been beneficial so far in terms of your anxiety it may be worth exploring another option.  Clinical psychologists are trained to help individuals overcome anxiety, even anxiety that has arisen as a result of bereavement. The right support could help you explore the difficulties you have mentioned above, with the view to giving you appropriate coping strategies. We recommend talking to your GP about accessing this. We hope this is helpful, and well done again for trying so hard. If you have trouble accessing this support, you can find a service local to you at; http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological%20therapy%20%28NHS%20IAPT%29/LocationSearch/396

QUESTION from auntiekiki: Hi it is a year today since my husband's funeral. I still feel as though this all happened last week, like i have been living in a fog for the last 12 months. I know people expect me to be over it all now - one friend pointed out that after today, I have been through the 'firsts' of everything - christmas, birthdays anniversaries etc so i should find it all easier next time but I can't see it that way.  I see it that the future is a scary place and I don't want to face another birthday on my own and another christmas waking up on my own in an empty house.

Also I have some well meaning friends who tell me that as I am still young I will meet someone else - I couldn't possibly even consider this.

I don't really know what question I am asking - just needed to write this down!

ANSWER: @auntiekiki So sorry to hear about your loss, and also to hear that friends have been making suggestions which don’t fit with your experience/s. We hear this from people ALL the time! Although trying to be helpful, the expectations of friends can sometimes be unhelpful. Often friends are well-meaning as you say, and yet they can miss the mark entirely. Bereavement is such a personal thing, and it can be helpful to remind your friends of this. They don’t mean to upset you. If you feel comfortable telling them when something they have said is helpful or unhelpful, that may make life easier. And it may be helpful to direct your friends to this leaflet produced by Dying Matters; http://dyingmatters.org/sites/default/files/files/Leaflet%2012_WEB.pdf

Your bereavement is still very recent and the future is still going to seem like a very scary place. We encourage you to grieve in whichever ways feel appropriate for you, regardless of what friends say and how much time has passed. We hope this helps. 

QUESTION from captiva: I have lost count of the times I have been told not to make any major decisions in the first 12 months, probably for very sensible reasons.

However, I can't get away from the feeling that I want to make a lot of major changes in my life as it feels like a second rate replica of how it was before I lost my husband of 36 years in August.

Should I go with my feelings, are they reliable (they are becoming more intense) or is it just a way of trying to sidestep these inevitable, and horrific feelings of grief, which I may later regret?

The thought of feeling like I do, if I don't make some changes soon is frightening me to death, quite literally.

ANSWER: @captiva  Hi Sandra. We agree that it can be very difficult to know what to do in terms of big decisions when you are grieving. Big decisions are hard on the best of days, let alone when grief is involved. Because the brain is coping with so much during a bereavement this can effect all of our thinking processes, including decision making. That tends to be where the "no big decisions in the first 12 months rule" comes from. However, we recognise that you cannot prescribe time limits so easily within grief. We encourage you to trust your instincts when it comes to decisions involving your emotional wellbeing. It may be helpful to consider whether you have opportunities to get in touch with and express your grief. If you feel you are able to talk about and reflect on your grief, either alone or with others, and you still want to make these big decisions, it is unlikely that these choices represent you sidestepping your grief.  They may be just what you need to do. We would recommend you talk through these things with someone else, whether that be a bereavement counsellor, family member or friend, to help you think through them carefully. 

QUESTION from Hawky: I lost my mum last July, after she was diagnosed just the year before. I moved home to help look after her during the last months and like others have said I have flashbacks about those last few days and all the horrible things she went through. My main problem now is all the regrets, the biggest one being that mum never got to be a grandmother, which I know she so wanted. She was 68, and I turned 34 just 3 days before she died. I feel like I can't ever forgive myself for not moving on with my life like everyone else and I feel like I have let her down. There were so many things I wanted to say to her when we found out it was terminal but I never had the courage to say them. I find social situations even harder now because it's all a reminder of what has gone. How can I get past this?

ANSWER: @Hawky. Firstly, we are sorry to hear about your loss. In regards to flashbacks, you may find the answer we posted to @Eva-jo helpful.

Secondly, regrets are very common when grieving, and it's not unusual for our brains to generate all of the things that we wish we had done differently. These can be very distressing to think about. It's very sad to think about the things that your mum didn't get to do, such as being a grandmother. It's normal and appropriate to feel sad about this. Your children (if you have any in the future) will get to experience your mum in the stories and memories that you share with them, and in the qualities that you possess that she gave you - she lives on through you.

In regards to the things that you wish you had said, you can still say them. Saying them at the time is a very tall order as emotions are running very high and it's often to know if there is even a right time for these discussions to be had. Just because she has gone this does not mean that you cannot say the things you want to say. Some of our members have experienced this too and mentioned finding it helpful to write down all of the things they wish they had said. Some people write letters to their loved ones, or plant trees or flowers in their memory and communicate their thoughts in this way. We would encourage you to say the things you need to say, in one form or another. Doing so can be very emotional but therapeutic. We hope you find this helpful.

QUESTION from mrsmickymac: I lost my husband in October 14 to throat cancer. When he was diagnosed it was 85% curable so small no problem 2 years later he went.

I keep having flashbacks to the last few weeks of his life he was very agitated kept getting up usually at night and fell over twice because I was asleep.  eventually he went back into the hospice where the care and love given to us all was unbeleiveable, he was still very agitated until they upped his medication but he kept saying he was sorry and help me.  I am OK for days but suddenly these memories come flying back and I feel do upset.

Luckily I have the support of good friends and my two girls. My eldest is living with me with her husband and my first grandchild who was born two months before Michael died. This gives me comfort because I dont go home to a empty house but even though the house if full I can feel very lonely.  It is hard being on your own again after 33years being married but I am determined to live life and do the things we were going to do.

I loved my husband so much I thought I would feel him near me once he passed but I nothing I now worry he is angry with me for some reason, I know this sound stupid but do other people feel like this.?

ANSWER: @mrsmickymac  Thank you for your question, and we are sorry to hear about your husband passing away. Hopefully in reading these threads and answers you can recognise that your experience is shared by many people and does not sound stupid. In regards to the flashbacks you may find the answer we posted to @Eva-jo helpful.

Feeling lonely is a part of the grieving process, even if you are surrounded by others who love you. We are glad that you find comfort in being around your son and grandchild. It's often difficult to know how much of your loved one's presence you will feel once they pass. We want to remind you that your loss is extremely recent, everybody wants to feel their loved one's presence near them when they are gone. However, this is something that cannot be forced, and comes at different times and in different ways for different people. Just because you cannot feel your husband's presence at the moment, this does not mean he is angry with you. Given how recent your loss is we would encourage you to be kind to yourself and look after yourself as best you can. This includes things you are already doing, such as spending time with those who provide you with comfort.

QUESTION from LN39: Hi,   I always thought that i would 'feel' my Mum with me after she passed too, but I haven't.  I don't think it's because she's somehow displeased with me, but it's another source of deep sadness, because I hoped I would and I had thought that it would be comforting.     L

ANSWER: @LN39  Thank you for sharing that you had a similar experience to @mrsmickymac. You might find the answer we put together for her helpful. 

QUESTION from Lsly: Hello, I lost my husband to skin cancer in September, 19 weeks ago. He died here at home, as his wish, and although the last few days were just that, it only took a week from him becoming very ill to dying. I just cannot get that image of him out of my mind. He was so heavily sedated in the end he was unconscious. Is this what end of life medication is? (The hospice at home team were excellent and they referred Johns care as that) I try really hard to remember him as he used to be, looking at photos etc, but I just see that death mask staring back ay me, it's awful. Is this normal and will I ever be able to think of him as he was?

ANSWER: @Lsly  Thank you for your questions, and we are sorry to hear about your husband. Flashbacks can be very unpleasant and frightening, and are very common in the immediate aftermath of death. You may find the answer we put together for @Eva-jo helpful, but we would recommend seeking support if you are experiencing them as a daily occurrence that interferes with your life. The approach to treating distressing flashbacks is trauma-focused psychological therapy. We are not suggesting that you will need this and we are aware that it sounds like a mouthful, but it can be helpful to know what is available to you should you need some extra support down the line. 

Again, I'd like to give a big thank you to Erin and Kirsten for going above and beyond the 1 hour that we'd set aside for today's Q&A. I'm really pleased that they were able to spend more time answering your questions.

I hope the session has been useful for everyone who took part - and if you have any questions or observations then please leave them in this thread in the comments below.

This is the first time we've done this type of forum Q&A so it would be great to get some feedback. 

• would you like us to do more Q&As?
• is the online Q&A a good platform and did hosting it on the forums work for you?
• was it easy to ask your question?
• are there any other ways that we could collect questions?

Or perhaps you have a suggestion on how we could improve the session - please let us know.

Thank you to all who participated.
M.

My mum died from 2ndry breast cancer in the lungs & brain on the night before Christmas Eve. She wanted to be @ home & we made that happen by me & my dad taking full time care with the help of care watch ( I was also working full time) & my sisters & brother coming @ the weekend to give us a break. The last few weeks then last few days were awful but eventually she did go peacefully with us all around her. 

Now I feel nothing. Yes I have weepy moments occasionally but it's like she wasn't here!! What's wrong with me? My brother in law came this weekend & was so upset cause he could see her everywhere in the house but I don't see her!!!

i should feel ....

i'm sorry but I was not impressed by our Macmillan nurse. She was difficult to get hold of. She was good with my mum tho, they were trained by the same person. But the last week or so we never saw her!  I think we got a note after mum died. Luckily The district nurses were amazing!!! (My mum was one.) they were patient, caring & there! And the care workers were great all the way though!