Bereavement Q&A – practical solutions to common problems

Hi,   I always thought that i would 'feel' my Mum with me after she passed too, but I haven't.  I don't think it's because she's somehow displeased with me, but it's another source of deep sadness, because I hoped I would and I had thought that it would be comforting.     L

Question from DianeL

Why is it that some areas have more support from Macmillan Nurses than others. Plus how long do they support you after the loss of a loved one.

Hi Diane.L,

Thanks for your question. The care provided by our Macmillan nurses does vary from place to place as does after care. We can find out a more detailed answer for you about this though and will contact you.

We have an article about our Macmillan Nurses which you might find helpful.

Many thanks,

Jess

Macmillan Community Team

QUESTION from john6249: hello  i lost my wife exactly 3 months ago and i feel that sometimes i am not moving on ,and that i should be moving on quicker than i am i feel i need to talk about her but when i do i become emotional and upset

mt sister in law who has supported me throughout says i am being to hard on myself

i am moving home in 2 weeks i am hoping it will help

ANSWER: @john6249

Hi John, we are so sorry to hear about your very recent loss and that you are finding life difficult. Three months is still very recent, and it is understandable that emotions will still feel very raw. We agree with your sister in law - it does sound like you are being a bit hard on yourself. This is not uncommon - people often want to be "doing better" and so we can be hard on ourselves if we are not. There are things in life that we have no control over and that cause emotional pain. No one gives you a handbook about how to grieve, so you are learning as you go along. We often talk about the power of the word ‘should,’ about how the introduction of an expectation can actually make you feel more out of control. When coping with loss, it can take every ounce of strength you have just to hold it together from moment to moment. If we add any kind of pressure, whether it be applied by others or ourselves, then it can result in even more distress because essentially we don’t have room for anything else.
So we would encourage you to do whatever you need to do, even if that involves crying and being upset. Sadness is not a sign of not coping - sadness is a sign of grief. For more info on expectations of grief see here; http://thelossfoundation.org/articles/power-pressure/

If you are based in London or Oxford you would be welcome to come along to talk with others who have experienced a similar loss. See info here; www.thelossfoundation.org

QUESTION from Sukerkin: Some very good and pertinent questions added to the thread already, I see.  They cover much of what it was in my mind to ask myself regarding such things as early-morning wakefulness, flashbacks, fearful nervousness and lack of concentration or memory.

It is heartening in its own peculiar way to hear from others that are suffering the same struggles as ourselves, for it lets us know that we are truly not alone in having the feelings and reactions that we do.

I lost my wife almost two years ago and the terrible sense of loss and emotional pain is still with me.  I, as others have said, feel as if I have no future without her and that I am just going through the motions.  I find it hard to deal with the day to day things, such as paying the bills or cleaning the house and if an interaction with others has the potential to be even the slightest bit awkward or confrontational I avoid it like the plague.  Is there a way I can work towards regaining my previous competence and confidence or is it a case of adapting to my 'new' personality as I face the decades to come without my wife at my side?

ANSWER: @Sukerkin  Hi Mark, thank you for your questions. We are sorry to hear that life is still very painful and daily tasks are still proving very effortful. Have you ever considered talking through these difficulties with a professional or in a support group? Specialising in this area, we know how helpful it can be to talk with others about the things that you are experiencing - talking is a very good way of processing things that have happened. Like you say, knowing that you are not alone in your feelings can be very comforting and can change the way that you relate to your experiences. We would encourage you to seek an outlet for your grief.

Feeling awkward about every day occurrences is not the sign of a new personality but rather an extension of the way you are experiencing grief. We would expect this would change over time - the person you were has not gone. If you feel like you want to get back in touch with aspects of yourself that you feel have changed since your loss, extra support can help you do that. If you are based in London or Oxford you are welcome to access our peer-support services. See info here; www.thelossfoundation.org

Hi all,

I'm afraid that we've come to the end of the time that we have for the Q&A session and we're going to have to let Erin and Kirsten go (they're in the office at Macmillan). It's been very hard to write short answers to your questions and we've run out of time for now. We really want to give as many useful answers as possible and we'll try to answer some of the questions without answers later on today.

We're very sorry if you've posted a question and not had a reply but we hope to do another Q&A soon.

In the meantime, we're aware that talking (and reading) about some of the issues raised in this Q&A may make you feel upset - you're very welcome to use this thread to talk to each other or start new discussions in this area of the site. The forums are all about peer support so I hope that you continue to talk. Erin and Kirsten have offered to log back on to the site later today and have a go at answering the questions that we didn't manage to get around to in between 12 and 1.

I'd like to give a huge thank you to both Erin and Kirsten from The Loss Foundation for being our guests today and for offering so much help and advice.

Thank you to everyone who posted a question and I hope that the Q&A has been useful for you.

Kind regards,
Michael.

It has indeed been most useful and helpful to both read of the experiences of our fellow bereaved and to hear the informed responses.  Many thanks to Erin and Kirsten and, in a case of trying to add a 'horse' back into the stable after the door has been bolted, I have a question/observation that I intended to add to the discourse but I was 'in transit' at the time.

Dealing with one loss is a terrible thing, especially if it is of someone you had planned on spending the rest of your life with but is there any advice that can be given for how to cope with other losses taking place whilst you are still trying to cope with the first?

Mark

Hi Diane.l,

One of our Cancer Information Nurse Specialist's answered your question (Why is it that some areas have more support from Macmillan Nurses than others. Plus how long do they support you after the loss of a loved one) and here is her answer:

"Although Macmillan nurses work throughout the country, some areas may be better served than others.  If a Macmillan nurse isn’t available in your area, you can be referred to alternative specialist services.  In the hospitals there may be Nurses called ‘Clinical Nurse Specialists’ In the community these nurses might also be called Palliative Care Nurse Specialists.  They both have the same role as Macmillan Nurses.   The only difference is in how those nurses posts have been funded.  Macmillan funds nursing posts for 3 years, after that time NHS funds the posts.  If a post has not been funded by Macmillan then the Nurse will not be called a Macmillan Nurse.  However Clinical Nurse Specialists and Palliative Care Nurse Specialists do the same job as a Macmillan Nurse and have the same level of expertise. 

There is no set time for how long someone might be supported by a Macmillan Nurse after the loss of a loved one.  It will depend on individual need and also individual services. Many Macmillan Nurses work with hospices who offer specialist bereavement care from counselors or specialist cancer or palliative care social workers. 

There is some good information here about the role of Macmillan Nurses."

QUESTION from Joolsmac: Thank you so much for setting up this q&a session. I hope to attend but am leaving a question now just in case. My husband died of cancer five months ago in the loving care of the Macmillan unit in Antrim hospital. I accept my grief as a process to be gone through and the depth of it is because of the depth of a love that grew for over 30 tyears.the hard part is the flashbacks that come out of nowhere and often waken me up and I am crying. The flashbacks are of his last week when he was mainly contented in the unit, accepting that his death was near and glad to be with me. Sometimes he was agitated and I understood why. But I am very distressed by these memories. Also since he died I have had very poor concentration. I always was a reader and could 'get lost' in a book. Now I can hardly follow a newspaper article and a book is a challenge. I haven't read a book since he died. Any advice or maybe an explanation of the flashbacks and poor concentration and why this should happen would be very helpful. Thank you.

ANSWER: @Joolsmac Thank you for your questions, in regards to flashbacks you may find our answer for @eva-jo helpful as it tackles a similar topic.  In the same way you may find our response to @wendy answers your question difficulties concentrating. We hope these answers provide enough information for you.

QUESTION from lornaallan: Dear Erin and Kirsten 
I am nearly 31 years old I lost my big sister to cancer in March 2013 she was 47 she would have been 48 in the July .my question is away back in the begining I suffered flash backs of seeing my sister passed away in her hospital bed I don't get them as much now just wondered if u could help me .i took her death really bad it still affects me even now nearly two years on. 
Thanks from 
Lorna 

ANSWER: @lornaallan So sorry to hear about your big sister passing away.  It’s not uncommon to be affected by grief two years on, as we have mentioned in other answers grief is not something that goes away but rather changes over time.  Where there was great love there will be deep grief and judging ourselves for still being affected by it will not make us feel any better.  It makes sense to feel sad when remembering our loved ones no matter how much time has passed because naturally we would rather that they were still with us. In regards to flashbacks see the answer posted in response to @eva-jo.