Bereavement Q&A – practical solutions to common problems

Hi

I have lost count of the times I have been told not to make any major decisions in the first 12 months, probably for very sensible reasons.

However, I can't get away from the feeling that I want to make a lot of major changes in my life as it feels like a second rate replica of how it was before I lost my husband of 36 years in August.

Should I go with my feelings, are they reliable (they are becoming more intense) or is it just a way of trying to sidestep these inevitable, and horrific feelings of grief, which I may later regret?

The thought of feeling like I do, if I don't make some changes soon is frightening me to death, quite literally

Sandra

QUESTION from sam12: How do you cope when everyone else is moving on? I know I should try harder, but it seems disloyal somehow. I don't want to move on without Mum. If it wasn't for the fact that I still have my Dad, I'd join her.

ANSWER: 

@sam12 we are so sorry to hear about your loss. It is important for us to mention that it is very common to want to be with your loved one after they have gone, wherever that may be. Sometimes that means we have thoughts about not wanting to be around anymore or not wanting to carry on living. This is very common, and is a sign that you loved your mum very much. People often feel guilty about the odd laugh or smile or the idea of ‘moving on’. We are sure you are doing the very best you can, and that is all you can do. Once bereaved, you are always bereaved. We don’t say this to make you sad, but to highlight that grief is something that changes shape over time, rather than something that we move on from. It is ok to carry on whilst honouring the memories of your mother and the gifts that she gave you in life, as hard as that may feel. If you are having scary thoughts often and you are worried you may act upon them then it is very important that you contact your GP to seek further support. 

Hello,

I lost my mum last July, after she was diagnosed just the year before. I moved home to help look after her during the last months and like others have said I have flashbacks about those last few days and all the horrible things she went through. My main problem now is all the regrets, the biggest one being that mum never got to be a grandmother, which I know she so wanted. She was 68, and I turned 34 just 3 days before she died. I feel like I can't ever forgive myself for not moving on with my life like everyone else and I feel like I have let her down. There were so many things I wanted to say to her when we found out it was terminal but I never had the courage to say them. I find social situations even harder now because it's all a reminder of what has gone. How can I get past this?

QUESTION from brookel30: It's been 11 days since my dad passed, I'm terrified of facing the funeral on the 28th i suffer with depression i have for over 10 years how can i focuss to support my mom on the day when i know i'm going to fall to pieces? And also do you have any tips how i can when my mom comes home support her and make sure she is eating properly as i know with only herself to cook for she wont. 

ANSWER: @brookel30 we are so sorry to hear about your Dad passing away. Can we start by commenting on how very recent your loss is, so it would be completely understandable if life felt very difficult and scary at the moment. I think it is important to acknowledge that grief is very painful, and sadness and despair are completely understandable and appropriate reactions to losing someone you love. A lot of people 'fall to pieces' at funerals - this is not a failure of you, this is what makes you human. It's normal to want to feel strong for those around you but it's important to acknowledge your own loss and your feelings too. We are sure that both you and your mum want to be there for each other. Perhaps you can be united in your sadness. And if not, you can only do the best that you can do.

Loss of appetite is not uncommon when bereaved, however, when grieving your body is in shock and needs to be looked after and nourished, so it is more important than ever to eat well. Maybe you could share this information with your mum. We appreciate cooking may feel like a big task when you are grieving, so maybe it would be a good idea to encourage your friends or your mum's friends to make some nutritious meals that can be frozen and reheated easily in the weeks and months following your dad's passing. Even encouraging your mum to have healthy snacks throughout the day can be a good way of ensuring she is eating. We hope this helps, and we really hope you cope as well as you can on the day of the funeral.

QUESTION from Leah1959: 

My Dad died of brain cancer in February 2014, I have two questions (sorry the first is a bit long winded!):

1) I feel as though I still haven't properly grieved for Dad. I didn't really cry as much as I expected, it was never the last thing I thought of at night and the first thing in the morning, I didn't really feel the absence the way I thought I would. These expected feelings do seem to come now and then but they seem to disappear almost immediately. I did go to see a counselor for a few months following his death and it helped make me realize that my grieving was 'normal'. But we are now approaching the anniversary of his death and I haven't felt the big wave of emotion I've been expecting. I know I'm not purposefully avoiding it however, I was wondering if I should be worried that I'm not dealing with my grief? I do worry as I loved Dad a lot and he was a huge part of my life. It doesn't seem right that I haven't really cried as I have cried more over smaller losses in the past :-(

2) Also do you have any advice on coping with the first anniversary of a death and offering support to other family members?

Answer:

@Leah1959 don't apologise - these are very important queries!

1) The only ‘normal’ thing about grieving and the process of grief is that it is not normal. In grief we are experiencing unknown emotions and working to try and adapt to these in whatever ways we can. The result of this can be that we experience ourselves and others in ways we would not expect. As you have mentioned you are surprised how little you have cried. This does not mean that anything is wrong with you or the way you are grieving, and is certainly not a reflection of how much you loved your father. You've commented that you know you are not actively avoiding grieving, so we encourage you to trust your instinct and let it happen naturally. We cannot force emotional processing - it happens differently for different people. We are sure you are honouring your dad in your own way. If you would like more information on the notion of "normal grief", see our latest article on our website;
http://thelossfoundation.org/articles/normal-grief/

2) A lot of people worry about upcoming anniversaries; how to spend them, who to spend them with, what to do, etc. It is not uncommon to find our mind telling us that there is a right and a wrong way to do things, and some people can struggle in knowing what to do ‘on the day’. There are no ‘shoulds’. You can only do what feels right for you on the day, whether that be distracting yourself or being with others or lighting a candle… And if you don’t know what feels right to you, then maybe it’s best to go in with no expectations at all, and just take it hour by hour getting by as best you can.
Sometimes family members have different ways of coping with milestones, and it can prove difficult to balance everyone's needs. It's worth chatting with family members about it in advance, and coming to a compromise if necessary. For more information on coping with anniversaries see our articles; http://thelossfoundation.org/?s=anniversary

Thank you for your reply, I lost my husband last November almost 11 weeks ago. He was my life, second marriage and even though we were only together for 13 and a half years, they were wonderful years.

This whole thing wasn't in my life plan, nor his, but now I'm stuck.......the last 12 months of his life didn't belong to either of us, so much sadness and pain, but in amongst that there was so much in the way of laughter and love. 

Everything has come to a standstill, funeral/ashes all sorted...now I stand at an open door in my life and I am so frightened to step over the threshold and walk on. I feel I am letting my husband down! He never ever sat in a corner feeling sorry for himself, and that is what I appear to be doing. While he was ill nothing would get in my way of fighting for him and making sure he had all I could get for him. Now I can't do the same for myself.......it's just not worth it. Why should I go on? What is the point?

Friends are kind and try to say the right things, but they haven't got a clue......I feel like I'm dying from the inside out (if that doesn't seem to dramatic). I have a car, but can't drive it through lack of confidence?? What's that all about!

Thanks,  I lost my Mum in Oct.  My Dad died over 40 years ago.  My step dad 6 years ago.  It was always my Mum, brother and me.  We were always very close.  Before she was ill she was always such a significant part of my life and being.  Since she was widowed, i was her next of kin.  Through choice, I was deeply involved and spent significant of time in drs appts, hospital, scans, chemo etc...for last 4 years.  I was power of attourney, responsible for finding and moving her to nursing home, clearing/selling her house and her ongoing care and support.  Always on the phone to someone arranging something or following up or chasing someone down to get her what she needed.   Along with trying to maintain our normal and wonderful mother/daughter relationship, and my own life (husband, 2 kids, 11 and 8, 2 dogs, full time stressfull work...).   She died 3 months ago and I've been in a fog for most of the time since.  It's been devastating.  I was getting flashbacks and stuck on the last days but I've spent the last 5 weeks working on and making a photobook of her lifestory and I think that has helped me get some of the happy memories coming back.    I still feel like I'm going through the motions and little to no enjoyment in anything and with little motivation to do anything.  Everything still seems pretty pointless.  Her death also brought back significant grief for my Dad who died over 40 years ago.   I've really withdrawn and shut down unnecessary contact with outside world beyond the necesssary.  Without all those additional responsiblities and time spent with Mum I've got so much more time on my hands but I don't know how to fill yet so just feel heavily sad and burdened constantly.  I'm 43 years old, but feel completely lost and so sad about the loss of my parents. All my friends/hubby still fortunately have both of their parents and so I'm finding it hard to find someone who understands, while they are all moving on with normal life.  I've been to 1 bereavement support meeting run by the hospice a few weeks ago and plan to go back to the next one.    Any advice?

QUESTION from Louise82: 

I also suffer the flashbacks to my mam's last days in hospital, she suffered a lot of distress and agitation, particularly during the night, trying to get out of bed to go to the toilet even though she had been bed bound since admission to hospital. Is this agitation normal? Is it linked to the illness/medication or was she really that distressed? The nurses gave my mam medication after these episodes to settle her but they still seemed to come at times. I hate to think of her suffering so much. 

Also, do you have any advice for coping with anxiety? I feel very anxious when seeing people for the first time since my mam passed, I worry what they will say and that I will get upset. I was having panic attacks at the thought of going out a couple of weeks ago, I'm not as bad now but it's still a big issue for me. I'd like to get back to work soon as I've been off for 8 weeks but don't feel able to at the minute.

ANSWER: 
@Louise82 For more information about flashbacks see our answer directed at @Eva-Jo.

In regards to the agitation your mam experienced whilst she was in hospital, there are several things that could have contributed to this. Like you suggested, medication is a possibility as well as the effects of the illness and the unfamiliar surrounding of the hospital. People experiencing a terminal illness and all that involves are having to adapt to a reality that is different from the one they had planned, and this can include periods of agitation and frustration, which can be very hard for family members to witness. We hope your mam did not suffer for too long, and that you can remember the happier times too.

In terms of anxiety, much like some of the other threads we have replied to, this is a very common experience during grief. You may never have experienced this level of anxiety before, but grief makes us feel exceptionally vulnerable, which can lead to even the smallest of tasks feeling overwhelming. For more information on anxiety see our website; http://thelossfoundation.org/anxiety-panic/  We would recommend that anybody having regular panic attacks should seek support from a psychologist which can be sought via the GP. We hope that helps. 

I lost my husband in October 14 to throat cancer. When he was diagnosed it was 85% curable so small no problem 2 years later he went.

I keep having flashbacks to the last few weeks of his life he was very agitated kept getting up usually at night and fell over twice because I was asleep.  eventually he went back into the hospice where the care and love given to us all was unbeleiveable, he was still very agitated until they upped his medication but he kept saying he was sorry and help me.  I am OK for days but suddenly these memories come flying back and I feel do upset.

Luckily I have the support of good friends and my two girls. My eldest is living with me with her husband and my first grandchild who was born two months before Michael died. This gives me comfort because I dont go home to a empty house but even though the house if full I can feel very lonely.  It is hard being on your own again after 33years being married but I am determined to live life and do the things we were going to do.

I loved my husband so much I thought I would feel him near me once he passed but I nothing I now worry he is angry with me for some reason, I know this sound stupid but do other people feel like this.?

QUESTION from Wendy: I lost my husband 22 months ago to Mesothelioma and I find that I am really struggling to remember anything.  Not specifically about out life together but everyday things as well.  For example I went for a walk around the area I live 2 days ago and really struggled to recall some of the road names, I find this worrying as I have lived in the area for 14 years.
 
People and conversations I can hold but then cannot retain the information that they have told me, so when I meet them again I forget to ask how they are or if things went well for them etc.
 
Is this normal behaviour? Or am I actually losing it?
 
Also, sorry to go on, I have a very good social life that I have built up carefully over the last year and I organise lots of events for our group but I feel most of the time that none of it matters along with feeling exhausted sometimes.  Is this something that other people experience?  My friends tell me that they do (they are all widows are widowers) but they don't seem to have the same problems.
 
One other note I am reducing my dose of antidepressant and can finally feel happy / excited on occasion however I am terrified of slipping back down the slope of depression, normal or not?

ANSWER: @Wendy We are very sorry to hear about your husband. The memory difficulties that you have mentioned are a very common experience in grief. The brain responds in a very particular way to grief in that it prioritises thinking about the loss above other things. That means the things our brain normally does well, like remembering road names or concentrating on a book, get pushed to the back of the line. This does not mean that something is wrong with your brain or your memory. Changes in memory are very common when grieving. 

Grief is physically and emotionally exhausting, because of the reasons mentioned above. Most people feel overwhelmed with exhaustion when grieving, and it can be hard not to compare yourself to others in a similar situation. We would encourage you not to compare yourself to others -  your grief is unique to you. 

We are really glad to hear that you feel able to reduce your antidepressants dose and that you are feeling happy on occasion. It's not uncommon to feel worried about slipping back into a depressed state, however, the reality is that grief is like being on a rollercoaster - there are terrible days and ok days, and they may not follow a particular order. However, a low week does not mean that you are going backwards in your grief - this is just the nature of bereavement. For more information on the peaks and troughs of grief, see our article here; http://thelossfoundation.org/articles/peaks-troughs/