Bereavement Q&A – practical solutions to common problems

QUESTION from  nicola-j : I have a similar issue with waking up at around 4am...but I think I know why - that is the time I got the phone call from the hospital to say 'you better come now'......is there anything I can do to break this habit...it does seem to be getting better (slowly...)

ANSWER: @nicola-j we have answered your question in @stokes1957 thread as you both asked similar questions. Hope that helps. 

Hi LN39 - this is an online chat - the questions and answers are posted in this thread. Just ask your question by clicking the reply button below.

QUESTION from  Eva Jo: I'd like to know what you can do about flashbacks to the stays in the hospital and all the awful things that happened in hospital especially the last days.  I don't get these all the time but I am still plagued by them and it has got worse again recently.Also, how do you focus on the positive memories and the happy times without drifting back to the sad ones, and how do you remember the happy times without feeling sad because it's all in the past now?  The last months and the illness still seem to take precedence in my thoughts.

ANSWER: 

@Eva-Jo Answer:  @Eva-Jo and @Dottydenise we are sorry for both of your losses and want to reassure you that flashbacks are another very common experience in grief.  They occur because, as mentioned above, during these exceptionally traumatic experiences and moments, the brain has started to process information in a different way from normal memories. Please visit http://thelossfoundation.org/nightmares-flashbacks/ for a full explanation of how the brain processes traumatic or stressful memories.

Counselling doesn’t ordinarily specifically target flashbacks. It can be helpful to remind yourself that your body is responding to a memory that is now in the past, and whilst this might be an unpleasant memory it is no longer currently happening. When our brain is preoccupied with traumatic memories it can seem as though there are no positive memories left. This does not mean that they have disappeared but rather our brains have developed to prioritise threat related material. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this moment is in the past. Looking at photos from when your loved one was healthy can help our brains remember, and writing a memory of a positive experience you had together.

If you are having flashbacks daily or almost daily it may be worth making an appointment with your GP and requesting a chat with a psychologist.

Hope that helps. 

QUESTION from Dottydenise: I have the same problem as Eva. Flashbacks to the awful days. Sleeplessness and not being able to get to sleep due to re-playing final few weeks, wishing I had pushed my husband to seek medical help sooner, etc. I have had no counselling as yet but hope to soon.

ANSWER: 

@Dottydenise we have answered part of your question in @Eva-Jo  thread as you both asked similar questions. 

In regards to wishing you had pushed your husband to seek medical help sooner, this is a very common experience. It can sometimes help to reflect on all of the things that you did do to help your husband rather than the things that you may perceive that you didn’t. We would all like to believe that there was something that we could have done differently to change the outcome. This is a natural thought process, but often we all do the best that we can at the time with the information we had. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but it can make us be unnecessarily hard on ourselves. 

QUESTION from snowangel: My mother passed away in November. After her funeral I had to take 2 weeks off work 'sick'. I was then given a graded return but now I'm being expected to do a full normal working day. I'm still struggling to concentrate or feel motivated but I don't want be off sick again. Do you have any helpful hints or advice regarding returning to work. (Incidentally I work in a busy large hospital outpatient department).

ANSWER: 

@snowangel We are sorry to hear about your loss. It is very normal to have trouble concentrating and feeling motivated when grieving. If you have experienced a significant emotional loss of any kind, there is a high probability that your ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be limited or different to how it was previously. There is no one solution to help people concentrate, but we do recommend that you take things easy where possible and be kind to yourself. Most people find that concentration improves over time, but it can vary between people.

If you feel able to do so, it may be worth asking your boss/workplace if it is possible for you to carry on with a graded return – this would allow you more time to adjust to going back to work without having to take time off as ‘sick’. We agree with @Diane.L that it is a tricky balance to get right – not being signed off from work but also not feeling like you are over doing it. Do not forget that you are going through one of the most difficult experiences of your life. We don’t remind you of this to make you sad, but to put things into perspective – if you are finding life difficult, there is a very good reason why, and you deserve time to adjust to what has happened.

Hi

My husband passed away 9 months ago from Pancreatic Cancer and I am having real problems returning to work.  We both worked for the same company but in different departments on the same site.  I have attempted to return twice - one after 3 months but only last 2 days, the send time after 6 months and managed 6 weeks.  I am now understandably form a their point of view being pressured to return again but the thought of it gives me anxiety attacks.  My GP has put me on antidepressants but they have not had time to really get into my system (1 week ago). I can't seem to concernatrate and have no motivation as all work orientated issues seem so mundane and unimportant.  Financially I need to get back but just can't bear the thought of going on site again. I have had counselling and hypnosis but neither have really helped. Any tips to overcome this?

Thanks

QUESTION from Tina13uk: 

How do I start to move forward with my life?

I have lost total confidence in myself, I'm terrified of most things that I could handle well before I lost my husband last November. I have very little motivation to do anything....mainly because I'm scared of whatever.

I think I might benefit from some bereavement counselling from my local hospice, but have no way of getting there. I had counselling from the hospice during my husbands illness and came to trust the lady who helped me.  And it takes a huge effort to leave my home, so it all looks so bleak. I don't think I'm depressed just very sad and lonely. I gave up my job to care for my husband and at 61 years of age there is no way back to the job I did even if I could motivate myself.  

So much has/is changing in my life, ( I have to leave my home and move in with my daughter in a few months ) it all seems too much. I have to start somewhere, just don't know where to start to try and get some sort of life again.

ANSWER: 

Hi @Tina13uk. We are sorry to hear about your loss and hope you have some support around you. It sounds like there have been a lot of changes for you, and this can understandably make life feel very difficult, unknown and scary. The first thing we should say is that it sounds like your bereavement was very recent, and therefore it is very normal to not know how to cope and move forward in life. Your brain and body are very likely processing not only the loss of your husband, but also everything that led up to his passing, e.g. getting the diagnosis, the time spent caring for him etc.

Accessing some bereavement support sounds like a good idea, and could help you process what has happened. It can be very helpful to speak with a professional and/or other people who have experienced a loss to cancer. Cruse is a national bereavement charity and they sometimes offer telephone bereavement support, depending on the location, so it would be worth checking with them as a first port of call;

http://www.cruse.org.uk/

QUESTION from kraftygirl: How do I cope with the fear of the future alone. We used to go out in couples    How do I cope when they are going out and I can't join them. Going out for meals together. 

ANSWER: 

@kraftygirl It is very common to fear the future after losing someone you love. When we are grieving we are having to adapt to a new way of life that we had not planned on, and that can include things like worrying about spending time with other couples. Adjusting to these changes takes time, and you can only do what you feel comfortable with. If it feels too upsetting to spend time with couples at the moment maybe now is not the time to do it, however, it can be helpful to break tasks down into small steps, for example, arranging a catch up with just one friend rather than a couple. It can be helpful to see a friend now and again to stop us from feeling lonely. Do you have a friend you can reach out to for a chat or cup of tea? If so, it might be worth giving them a call. 

Hi it is a year today since my husband's funeral. I still feel as though this all happened last week, like i have been living in a fog for the last 12 months. I know people expect me to be over it all now - one friend pointed out that after today, I have been through the 'firsts' of everything - christmas, birthdays anniversaries etc so i should find it all easier next time but I can't see it that way.  I see it that the future is a scary place and I don't want to face another birthday on my own and another christmas waking up on my own in an empty house.

Also I have some well meaning friends who tell me that as I am still young I will meet someone else - I couldn't possibly even consider this.

I don't really know what question I am asking - just needed to write this down!

QUESTION from @yano: 

 Just reading threw some of your comments I feel the same Way. My husband is gone close to 5 yrs which is a pretty long time.  I still get flashbacks.

The loneliness is still hard to deal with.Does any one else feel this way even after a period of time. 

ANSWER: 

@yano we are sorry to hear about your loss. At our charity we come into contact with people at various points along the bereavement journey, including people who have been bereaved for many years. Although bereavement is an individual experience, it is not uncommon to feel the effects of it for a long time, and this can include loneliness. This is likely to be because the person who passed away was someone you loved very much. Grief is not necessarily something that “goes away” but rather something that changes shape over time. To help with loneliness we would recommend having a friend you can speak to when you feel low. Sometimes it’s helpful to speak to others who have also experienced loss to hear about how they cope – you would be welcome to access our support which you can find out more about at www.thelossfoundation.org

In regards to flashbacks it might be worth looking at the info we provided above for @Eva-Jo and @Dottydenise  If you are having flashbacks daily or almost daily it may be worth making an appointment with your GP and requesting a chat with a psychologist.