Bereavement Q&A – practical solutions to common problems

I also suffer the flashbacks to my mam's last days in hospital, she suffered a lot of distress and agitation, particularly during the night, trying to get out of bed to go to the toilet even though she had been bed bound since admission to hospital. Is this agitation normal? Is it linked to the illness/medication or was she really that distressed? The nurses gave my mam medication after these episodes to settle her but they still seemed to come at times. I hate to think of her suffering so much. 

Also, do you have any advice for coping with anxiety? I feel very anxious when seeing people for the first time since my mam passed, I worry what they will say and that I will get upset. I was having panic attacks at the thought of going out a couple of weeks ago, I'm not as bad now but it's still a big issue for me. I'd like to get back to work soon as I've been off for 8 weeks but don't feel able to at the minute

thanks x 

This question was sent in via email - I'm posting it on behalf of Wendy...

I lost my husband 22 months ago to Mesothelioma and I find that I am really struggling to remember anything.  Not specifically about out life together but everyday things as well.  For example I went for a walk around the area I live 2 days ago and really struggled to recall some of the road names, I find this worrying as I have lived in the area for 14 years.
 
People and conversations I can hold but then cannot retain the information that they have told me, so when I meet them again I forget to ask how they are or if things went well for them etc.
 
Is this normal behaviour? Or am I actually losing it?
 
Also, sorry to go on, I have a very good social life that I have built up carefully over the last year and I organise lots of events for our group but I feel most of the time that none of it matters along with feeling exhausted sometimes.  Is this something that other people experience?  My friends tell me that they do (they are all widows are widowers) but they don't seem to have the same problems.
 
One other note I am reducing my dose of antidepressant and can finally feel happy / excited on occasion however I am terrified of slipping back down the slope of depression, normal or not?
 
Seems I have more than one question, apologies
 
Wendy

hello  i lost my wife exactly 3 months ago and i feel that sometimes i am not moving on ,and that i should be moving on quicker than i am i feel i need to talk about her but when i do i become emotional and upset

mt sister in law who has supported me throughout says i am being to hard on myself

i am moving home in 2 weeks i am hoping it will helpEnter your message...

Some very good and pertinent questions added to the thread already, I see.  They cover much of what it was in my mind to ask myself regarding such things as early-morning wakefulness, flashbacks, fearful nervousness and lack of concentration or memory.

It is heartening in its own peculiar way to hear from others that are suffering the same struggles as ourselves, for it lets us know that we are truly not alone in having the feelings and reactions that we do.

I lost my wife almost two years ago and the terrible sense of loss and emotional pain is still with me.  I, as others have said, feel as if I have no future without her and that I am just going through the motions.  I find it hard to deal with the day to day things, such as paying the bills or cleaning the house and if an interaction with others has the potential to be even the slightest bit awkward or confrontational I avoid it like the plague.  Is there a way I can work towards regaining my previous competence and confidence or is it a case of adapting to my 'new' personality as I face the decades to come without my wife at my side?

Mark

Thank you so much for setting up this q&a session. I hope to attend but am leaving a question now just in case. My husband died of cancer five months ago in the loving care of the Macmillan unit in Antrim hospital. I accept my grief as a process to be gone through and the depth of it is because of the depth of a love that grew for over 30 tyears.the hard part is the flashbacks that come out of nowhere and often waken me up and I am crying. The flashbacks are of his last week when he was mainly contented in the unit, accepting that his death was near and glad to be with me. Sometimes he was agitated and I understood why. But I am very distressed by these memories. Also since he died I have had very poor concentration. I always was a reader and could 'get lost' in a book. Now I can hardly follow a newspaper article and a book is a challenge. I haven't read a book since he died. Any advice or maybe an explanation of the flashbacks and poor concentration and why this should happen would be very helpful. Thank you.

Dear Erin and Kirsten 
I am nearly 31 years old I lost my big sister to cancer in March 2013 she was 47 she would have been 48 in the July .my question is away back in the begining I suffered flash backs of seeing my sister passed away in her hospital bed I don't get them as much now just wondered if u could help me .i took her death really bad it still affects me even now nearly two years on. 
Thanks from 

Lorna allan 

Ps sent this as an email to befor I knew how to work this xx

Similar stuff, poor concentration, unable to read a book, unable to remember what I've done over the last few days.  Find I'm able to 'blag' quite a bit but get caught out when someone asks a direct question. Particularly in work when I have to deliver presentations, if someone asks  a question I immediately panic, realise everyone is waiting for my answer and doubt the validity of anything I've been saying.  Feeling very overwhelmed and incompetent.  Will i always be like this now??? My big man departed 7 months ago but this sometimes feels like a lifetime...........

Hello to everyone and a big thank you to all who have already left questions in advance.

I'd like to give a warm welcome to Erin and Kirsten who are online now and will be answering your questions.

Please refresh the page to see the answers as they are posted.

QUESTION: Why do I always wake up at 4am ? , its as if I have a built in alarm clock , I can drop off but always wake at 4 , .leaving me tired all day , when I wake im always anxious and cant drop back to sleep , have to get up make a drink , then read or sometimes write to calm myself down , is this part of the grieving process ?. Thanks in anticipation carol x

ANSWER: @stokes1957 and @nicola-J We are sorry to hear that sleep is proving difficult for you at the moment.  This is extremely common when losing a loved one and can be very distressing and disruptive to daily life.  There are a number of reasons why you might wake up around 4am every day.  The first may be that there is something significant about 4am in that there was a reason to wake up at that time before, some find that they would wake to check on their loved one or to deliver medication, only to find that this remains a habit after they have passed. 

Another reason may be, as mentioned by @nicola-J, that there was a traumatic incident around this time that may mean the body has stored it as important information.  During a very stressful experience the brain starts to process all of the information from that moment or experience in a stronger way. This means that it takes careful note of all of the information coming in from the senses such as sights, sounds, smells, how we feel in our body and at what point our circadian rhythm (our internal body clock) is in.  This is an evolutionary response to danger or threat and exists so that if we ever enter a similar situation again our brain can warn us that it is threatening so we can leave.  This response still exists even after the worst moment has passed.  These sort of responses normally fade with time as the body learns that is reacting to a memory rather than a threat or danger that is present now.

The third reason is that things can disrupt our circadian rhythm causing our bodies internal clock to shift earlier or later.  One of the biggest perpetrators of this is the stress hormone cortisol.  Cortisol is released when we experience stressful events such as a painful bereavement, this can throw off our internal rhythm, pushing our waking time earlier or later. The Loss Foundation houses detailed information about good sleep hygiene such as creating a conducive environment for sleeping in as well as setting up a 15 minute rule routine to help create a more restful sleep.  All of the details can be found at http://thelossfoundation.org/sleep/

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