12 months!

People definitely back off, and I've had very little contact with some. I agree about the second wave, I've been feeling the same way. The reality and the permanence are so hard to accept, and the future is a scary place. I think I'm gradually learning to depend on myself more, and expect less from people; they don't understand how totally this changes us. I've had people say 'the nice weather must make you feel better' .... hmmm, not sure the weather is much consolation for losing the love of my life. I'm learning to let it all go over my head.

It could rain, hail or shine now but doesn't really bother me. Used to love being out in the sunshine but not now especially at this time of the year leading up to Jay's passing think because the time he passed the weather was so good and he was more or less bedbound and I didn't want to leave him incase he needed anything. He was always telling me to go out somewhere and take a break away from the house but that was the last thing on my mind back then. I seem to like my own company the natural introvert that I am and I get that Spirit my confidence got knocked terribly when Jay passed he was the one I could `hide behind` if we were at any gatherings etc but now its trying to navigate things on my own and gatherings and get -togethers are very few and far between now doesn't really bother me though. I do feel the loneliness now and again but don't feel alone if that makes sense. 

I’m being told by “friends” that I need to be doing more and that Ade would not want me to be being on my own and feeling upset all the time. I am quite content being with my dog and don’t need to be around people who do not think that I am doing enough to help myself. I am very fortunate that some of Ade’s cycling buddies have become very protective of me and still invite me to all their social gatherings, but I find it hard. 

What do they know ? I was told at my Birthday meal last October that, ‘ I should be over it, by now’. I got up from the table and left the restaurant. I absolutely lost the plot, and said that the pain was so bad at times, that I wanted to die. She said to me, ‘Why didn’t you say something to us ?’ My answer was that, ‘You can’t handle the truth’. Needless to say, I haven’t seen her since. I had specifically said that I only would like a catch up drink and that was ignored, and I felt forced to go for the meal. The timescale then, was 14 months. I have learnt a lot from this. I now only go to occasions where I can come home, when I am ready. 

That is such a cruel thing for someone to say, no one as used the actual words to me but you can almost feel those thoughts anyway, the way they almost roll their eyes or try to change the subject, it just becomes easier to stop talking about your pain and struggles but then it feels harder to bear.  Until I lost my person I would not have understood this pain, hopefully they won't feel this either for a long time but for us it's a reality 

I agree that it is easier to stop talking (even at the 12 month point) because I have found myself so angry towards people when they seem to be criticising my situation. This is not a subscription anyone would choose to be a member of but sadly we are here. I am so thankful for this forum where we are allowed and supported to express how we feel and other members have a greater empathy. Hugs to all xx 

I feel the same way. This is the only place I can be completely honest about how I feel, with everyone else I pretend to be better than I am. Our situation is relentlessly hard, it won't change, we can never have the person we need. People have said to me that they 'can't imagine' being in this situation. Perhaps they should try, really try; then they might be more supportive and less judgemental. 

It is a difficult equation to solve. If we aren’t able to express our pain, in a supportive environment, then we can end up carrying it permanently within us. On the other hand, I do not wish to take advantage of friendships and come across as needy. The solution for me, is a lot of self-reflection, grief books, nature, dogs, projects to focus on, building trust with new friends, and letting go of ones that don’t work any more. I am slowly emerging, but falter every now and then. Hugs to all. Kate.xxx 

Yes I have my little dog for company too `Jack` my wee shadow` follows me everywhere.  He was Jay's dog a Border Terrier a Christmas present from my son and I to Jay. The wee man is 14 this year so he is getting on too but still thinks he is a puppy. He's the last I have of Jay and it will break my heart when he eventually goes but he still has some life in him yet. Yes I hate that too when people think they are being `well meaning` in telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing when you just want to tell them to F off. We do things in our own time I think with regards to grief and its when and what we want to do. 

xx

Oh! so many times I have had to bite my tongue and not tell someone to F. off including my two younger sisters. One of which I have had to block after the text she supposedly inadvertently sent to me via WhatsApp. Saying she would be contacting me as to helping more with our 94 years old Mum. She didn't have a clue how ill my Hubby had been for most of our marriage. And compared my loss to her going through it with her Husband for 2 years while he was being treated for throat cancer . of which he survived. He is still here. They can still socialise, go on frequent hols  Even just to be able to go for walks with the dogs would have been nice if mine had been able  . So she cannot imagine how I feel . Nor understand that I couldn't just leave my Hubby unless someone could stay with him while I went to stay with our elderly Mum.. And walk the dogs. Considering She was a Nurse she has little Empathy for a anyone except her own. Being a tough small breed hopefully your little Jack will go on for a few years yet. Our big boy is a Jack too. Was my Hubby's choice after I rescued a lovely Mastin in Spain which we would have loved to have kept, but were preparing to leave Spain 10 years ago. I still have a lot of contacts who rescue from Spain. Some live in Glasgow if you ever decide to get another dog. I cannot imagine my life without them, they are the reason I get out of bed in a morning. Although I would swap my two for my Hubby to be back here with me. Not that I would ever want to part with them. So yes ..we do what suits us and when. It's how we get through this most traumatic time in our lives.