Lost beautiful wife of 29 years to Metastatic duodenal cancer, feeling empty

Oh my. A day at a time. 

Remember to breath. 

Hi there, I am sorry you are going through this horror. You are in shock, and life will feel surreal. Try to come on here, when you can. 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You have been through the most horrific time.  The only advice I got that helped was just take one step at a time.  The steps can be half an hour.  Just think about the next half hour not the next few weeks or the time up to the anniversaries or Angie's birthday.   Just manage this bit and if all you can do in that half hour is breathe and cry that's fine.   You made it.

I relate to what you say about being inseparable- Nick was my best friend and we just wanted to be together.  Not only do you lose your husband or wife you lose someone who's intertwined with you.

I send you hugs.  Keep talking if you feel you can.

Hi Tim,

So sorry to read all you have been through. My condolences to you and your family. I am just over 3 years in from losing my husband Jay to bowel cancer. He got his tumour removed in January 2022 and was told after it that he was in remission but fast forward five months and follow up blood tests showed his CEA markers had risen and a further CT scan showed it had returned. From then on it was downward spiral for him both mentally and physically he was just so elated that they told him they got all the cancer only to come back down to earth with a thump to be told that news. Further sessions of chemotherapy didn't work and actually caused more problems his 2nd chemotherapy treatment was done through a PICC line but this unfortunately damaged his kidneys and he needed to have a double nephrostomy and have drains inserted into his back to allow his kidneys to drain properly. Four bouts of sepsis followed and it was on the 4th bout along with his cancer which had become terminal which took him in June 2023. I get the emptiness and everything you are feeling and your head will be all over the place and you may have feelings of shock, denial, guilt just to name a few. As many have said here just come here when you feel you need to vent your anger or let off steam no one will judge you as we are all on the same journey and a good bunch and support for one another. Take care of yourself and sending you best wishes.

Vicky x

Hi,

I'm very sorry to read your post. It's a shit situation.

The emotions you are going through all ring very true. After my own wife died, I would happily have curled up and died alongside her - but things don't work that way, do they? Getting on for three years later, I am still in tears several times a day when the reality of what I have lost hits me, but all I know is that I have a responsibility to carry on and try to make use of my remaining time on this planet, in loving memory of my wife - and that's what I hope for you as well.

You mention 'phases of grief.' Everybody is different, and everybody here will be struggling with this in their own way. So I don't know about 'phases', and I certainly don't think that time will ever 'heal' anything. But I do hope that, over time, things will 'change' for all of us here.

I have read a lot - and thought a lot - about life and death over the past three years. One book which I thought contained some very interesting and deep reflections on the subject was the autobiography of Wilko Johnson, the guitarist from Dr. Feelgood. He lost his wife Irene to bowel cancer when she was in her early fifties - they had been together for 38 years -, and he completely struggled with it. But in the book he notes the following:

"One significant change in my consciousness was that after ten years, Irene was retreating from my thoughts - I mean I was only thinking of her every hour or so, rather than every waking minute. She used to fill my thoughts all the time and everywhere. [...] Now she had retreated and taken her place in the fabric of my new universe. But I loved her still."

That is a very sad sentiment - but, at the same time, a very beautiful one - and it shows that time did change things for him.

Like you, I have no family close by, and my few real friends all live a long way away. But I have found that any socialization helps, as does talking. I have also had some bereavement counselling, and it was useful - but we can discuss the details of that later.

For now, I wish you all the strength and resilience you can muster - you will need it. But you are not alone - everybody here gets it.

I send you my love and best wishes.

I am sorry that you are here - it’s sounds like a very traumatic time for you from diagnosis to her passing, I found it so shocking and devastating when my husband was diagnosed but we had two and half years after to get used to it, I was in much better place when he passed not ready for it but certainly more prepared.  Two weeks is nothing no wonder you few so bereft, as others have said one breath at time - being responsible for everything definitely is challenging especially when you have no one to run decisions by - I have also been left unattended without a high value adult it’s the hardest thing we will ever do.  Please make sure you carrying on talking it’s so important.

vicki