Opinions please .....

Sometimes I think people just don't know what to do so you have to spell it out for them.  Which isn't nice for us, I just find i dont have any energy for it.  

Maybe your son just needs to know from you what you need - a text every so often or a video call on a Sunday,  whatever it is.  Then he can work around it.  

It's like that old "let me know if you need anything" I always want to say no you think of something and turn up, I can't think that far along.

Hey Spirit!

I get all all that what you said. I don't know if it is a `man` or `boy` thing but my son is exactly the same only seems to phone when he needs something or wants my granddaughters looked after (which I don't mind). His dad was the same never one to contact or phone anyone he was never technically minded and didn't text or message or anything like that either I too was the one that always called his mum to make sure she was ok etc. His brother and his wife only lived more or less round the corner from his mum but they hardly seen her either and was only when it `suited them` but that's another story and they are all gone now as well. My son is a very deep person a bit like me so its not always possible to wonder what he is thinking. He still never talks about his dad and so I never bring up the subject but I will maybe recall something him and his dad did at one time and I usually just get the words of one syllable `yes` or `no` and so I just put it down to that he just remembers his dad in his own way. He and my daughter in law both work too and I know they have their own lives and issues going on but I get the feeling of being unwanted. Sometimes when I am at my sons I feel that I am intruding and shouldn't be there even though they are family. 

xx

My step daughter is a bit like that. She will say Ill give you a call xyz, ( eg when I get back from holiday, which was 4 weeks ago). Then i sent some money for one of the birthdays and it was Ooh i meant to ring you at the weekend. When she finally rang, she talked for probably 40 mins about her woes, the family etc and then said, oh how are you, then about 2 mins later, sorry got to go. Thats typical of how the contact goes. I think she just gets bogged down in her own world. Obviously shes my step daughter so we are not blood related, but I cant imagine anuthing I could say making any difference. So I do just accept that. If you feel you can talk to your son, spell it out that youd like a weekly chat or whatever, then do. Maybe he doesnt realise that would support you? 

I am sorry you are hurting. It is a strange world that we now live in. The pace of life seems manic. People seem to run around like headless chickens, trying to keep up, (I am not sure with what ?). You are not being unreasonable in wanting some sort of quality time, or chat. People can be incredibly thoughtless. We need support more than ever from family and friends. Our lives as we knew it have been vapourised, and it is extremely difficult to rebuilt. Perhaps, you could arrange a set time for a video call, or visit them ? I have had friends for over 25 years, who just can’t cope with death of my Paul. I have had to start from scratch, and rebuild. Others have been amazing, and very supportive. I am sending hugs, as I feel you need one. Kate.xxx

I guess you're all right, and this is how it is, this is how people are. Everyone moves on and the only person left grieving and alone is us. I have never felt so desolate and unloved, but that's my life now and I don't believe I can fix it. I've tried hard to make myself feel better and be more positive, but the 'black hole' always comes to get me. I am just so miserable today. 

My son can be like that. If he phones for something and I start getting into a conversation with him it's `mum I need to go`. I don't know if he is genuinely rushed or needs to be somewhere or just doesn't want to listen. The way it is these days I suppose. He hardly ever phones now just preferring to text. 

I think we all deserve better. I'm sure we gave better to our parents, I know I did.

Yes we do Spirit.

When my mum passed 30 years ago Jay and I tried to involve my dad as much as possible making sure he wasn't on his own a lot. He was very active in his community though while also looking after my older sister (which I do now). But things like holidays, events etc we always tried to include him. My son always wanted his `papa` to come holidays with us and at times my dad always felt like I do with my son now that he was intruding but we always felt he needed a break like we did. We would'nt go far just maybe to the north of Scotland or the west coast somewhere. One time he actually surprised us and paid for a holiday to Spain for the 4 of us. This unfortunately has not passed on to my son now. As I said maybe its a different generation now my son never asks if I want to go days out with them or anything. I'm not saying they need to do it every time but maybe now and again would be nice and then sometimes I think my daughter in law doesn't want me there because she lost her mother also to cancer in 2024 the year after Jay and the year before their wedding so my overthinking mind thinks its a case of if her mum is not there then I'm not going to be. I still get to spend time with my little granddaughters though when I get required to babysitting so thats something I suppose. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hi

I have a daughter and two sons but they are all still living with me so we have had to grieve together and proximity has definitely made it easier for me.  My daughter is much easier to communicate with and as others have said the boys are harder to read and I find don’t seek me out as much for advice or reassurance like my daughter does. My parents always said to me that if I had something to say to them to say it and not let it fester, he is still your son and if he is anything like my boys he is probably oblivious to what he doing, sometimes I think our kids need to know the truth about themselves I hope you work it out.

Vicki x