12 months!

We don't realise how much of our strength comes from our partners until we're left to cope alone. I feel that I have just crumpled under the weight of so much sorrow, yet I cared for David and supported him throughout. The moment he took his final breath I started to sob and six months later I'm still sobbing. Nothing helps, not really; the aching is there whether I'm with people or alone. He gave me the courage and confidence to handle whatever life threw at us, but without his support it has all disappeared. I don't know how to get myself together. I feel as if I never will.

1. To all of us . How can we not feel resentful at seeing other couples happily walking by ,holding hands . Old folk. Ok I'm an "old Folk Person now at 68 years old " But in my head I don't feel old. And when I see young couples I'm wishing I was back to 18 years old when I realised that I was really in Love. And this was the one . Then I see the much older in their 80's And I think ..Why the hell couldn't we have had more time. I know we were together for 50 years. And a lot of them were not carefree what with my Hubby struggling with so many health problems and suffering chronic pain for so many of those years. And so he missed out on so much. So I am Angry and resentful. I hate that I am back to being Single . Half the person I was with him. I keep telling myself that some people don't get to live to 70 years old and that's unfair. And yes the people who moan at having silly little ailments . My sister who I love to bits moans about her Husband who I know is a selfish sod ,who feels so bloody sorry for himself . Even when She had Breast cancer and was getting some sympathy and attention from our family . He threw a tantrum. He had a Cold ,poor Sod ! And he told my Hubby his hands were wrinkly from washing up. For goodness sake ,He's Pathetic !                     Why does she stay with him. ?? She says she supposes she loves him. Mine wasn't perfect and neither am I ,but we still loved each other. And now I have to listen to people moan about their Spouse . And now he's gone I feel like I've lost everything. I'm sure my Hubby thought it was just him depending on me.. I wish I had told him just how much I depended on him.. for my confidence ,for his opinion, direction. for having someone who could always make me laugh. I'm absolutely sick of crying every single day. A whole year of crying  I really don't think I have cried this much during the 67 years before he left me. The  Anger ,Guilt ,the Envy ,Regrets and  Sorrow . I only expected to feel the Sorrow. Nobody tells you about the rest .

I agree completely, I had.no idea of all the conflicting emotions I would feel, or how I would lose my identity and my confidence. I met a neighbour whose wife died over two years ago, he said he cried every day for the first year. We used to see him around the town and thought how well he was coping. We didn't see the depth of his grief, just as others can't see ours. Loss and grief are still treated as something not to be talked about openly, like something 'not very nice'. Why should we feel we need to hide our grief, to mourn and weep on our own? Loss is inevitable, yet we all pretend it won't happen to us. Sadly, those of us here know differently. 

I feel has if 12 months was the cut off point for grief in everyones eyes, now I have had a month pretty much alone and it's like grieving again, how can anyone think that you can turn this off, it's worse with every day not better 

I don't think we will ever stop grieving . We lost the love of our lives. We will never forget them. They are in our thoughts in everything we do. I feel like 50 years of my life has now ended. Sometimes I wish I could turn the bad thoughts off. I've tried my best to support friends who have lost their Husbands . But they never told me it was this bad. I suppose most people don't want to admit or discuss the overwhelming feelings and emotions that we have to go through. I have been on the other end of the anger and resentment that I had still got my Hubby. And I understood that. How do we cope ?? One day at a time. 

I feel that too Nic.

I was at the hospital today with my sister for her outpatient appointment for her bowel cancer check up and everything seems to be ok for now and they are just keeping an eye on her with check ups, scans and the rest. She was diagnosed with that only two months after Jay passed so its a bit bittersweet that she got through it and he didn't. She is also over the 5 year mark for breast cancer as well and everything seems to be ok there too. It's just `sods law` sometimes.

`sods 

Well said Bretton.

Our marriage of 40 years wasn't all `moonlight n roses` and at times we could see each other far enough but we were there for each other and at times knew what each other was thinking. Jay was a wind up merchant and used to love to rip the p*ss out of me at every opportunity but I gave back as good as I got. I just miss the laughs we had it would be something daft like him pulling a silly face or giving me a silly look about something or making an off the cuff comment and that would be it I would be off doubled up in two laughing to the stage I could hardly breath. The arguments were fierce as well but we got through them. I haven't had a good laugh as what I had when he was around in a very long time and I miss that and just as you said watching couples walking along the road holding hands etc that was us too and at 63 years old I think I am an `oldie person` too but I don't feel 63 either. The things we miss that we never thought we would. I would just like to have him back for a day and show him what has been happening since he went.

But would one day be enough ? It wouldn't be for me . We would have to say goodbye all over again and still go through this relentless torment. Unfortunately we couldn't go for walks holding hands as it was all my Hubby could do to walk for 5 minutes with his sturdy stick. If he walked or stood for longer he would likely fall over. He would try Walking our big steady dog ,but would have to call me to go pick him up at the bus stop shelter. Yes we get to a stage when we know what the other is thinking. I often had to do the talking for him at the Docs. though as he had Brain fog a lot of the time. He wasn't getting enough oxygen to his brain if he didn't use his CPAP machine. And the next day he would be washed out and groggy. We didn't often have big arguments ,because we disagreed on things every day practically. Sometimes he would get so frustrated he would shout at me .,but I would tell him and might ignore him for a while. But it never lasted long. I did make allowances for his behaviour sometimes,because I understood how fed up and depressed he must be not being able to do the things most people could. I wish I had persuaded him to get out of the house more..but he got so tired and I thought he needed to rest. I can't convince myself I did enough to keep him here . I hope when I get the EMDR treatment that they can change my thoughts . And convince me that what my friends and family are saying that "It was his time "  P.s My Hubby was a wind up merchant as well. It was his favourite hobby. I think he enjoyed a good bit of banter . Especially taking the P_ _ _  out of me  I miss that too. 

Well today the last of our children is leaving home, we spent 46 saying one day they will all be gone and we will be on our own, and that day has come but I have to do it alone, we never got to have that time, I am so angry today and can't stop the tears, does this never end

I would be, too.