12 months!

My husband's been gone for 13 months now and I struggle more now than at the beginning,the reality they are never coming backs hits harder with time even though everyone fades away because they assume you are ok, it does make you bitter, I don't want to be, I try hard to be ok but I am not.

I know what you mean.  I just keep wishing  Nick would come back its been 6 months.  I know its ridiculous.  But still.  And everyone else seems to have their person.  Or have had cancer and been absolutely fine after treatment.  Why couldn't that be Nick.

I even watched the new Kylie documentary yesterday and she's gone through it twice and is fine, back at work, glowing.

I'm being silly I know but sometimes I'm so annoyed.  We never harmed anyone yet it had to be Nick.

Feeling resentment is such an awful feeling, I hate that I envy people sometimes, we were together from me being 16, and 46 years is more than alot of people get together but it hurts so bad 

Yes, it does hurt so, so badly. I don’t really care about other people. I don’t why. I have become a bit of a social hermit. I can’t be bothered to pretend. I am quite happy at home, doing the garden, our dog, our adult children. As long as the bills are paid, and we can stay in our family home. That is enough at the moment. I am sorting my hanging baskets and tubs at the moment. I am taking it very, very slowly. A decent glass of wine helps. 

I feel resentment too, why do all these other people have their partners when I don't? I hate myself for feeling like that, especially when David never once said 'why me?' 

Smosie said:

I hate that I envy people sometimes

Yep. What gets me envious is seeing old couples walking along the road ...

Envy, and guilt, and anger, are all very destructive emotions - but it can be very hard to switch them off.

Tony never said why me either. But i did think,  it wasnt just any cancer, it had to be a rare and aggressive one, one that means fewer drug trials, less knowledge, fewer treatment options etc. But I try hard not to be resentful of others, it isnt their fault they still have their partners or theyve had a cancer thats curable.  I wouldnt wish what we are all going through on my worst enemy. What I do realy struggle with is those who moan about their partners all the time, I feel like screaming at them and say at least youve still got them! Then I tell myself off for having such feelings.

Kim never once complained either, he was so strong and brave and I promised him I would strong and ok but do you know what, every day I fail him because I am neither without him, he was my strength 

I also feel resentful to others. It hurts and is frustrating  when I see people who have chosen particular lifestyles still living and enjoying life! I understand some people do not initially choose their path in life, I am a mental health nurse (I retired to care for Ade but do not think I can go back to it. My comments to some people would probably not be professional)

Malengwa said:

What I do realy struggle with is those who moan about their partners all the time, I feel like screaming at them and say at least youve still got them!

Yes. Just a 'me too' on that.

I also have very little patience these days with people who complain about relatively trivial health problems. I mean, I'm not rude about it - but I try to walk away from such conversations.