Antidepressants

Being in nature does help, working in the garden gives me a purpose and I can enjoy listening to the birds and bees. The sea is hard for me, we walked on the beach almost every day with our dog and I feel so sad being there alone with her. I thought I might feel his presence but really I just feel awfully lonely. If only we could switch off our thoughts, that would be the biggest help. He runs through my mind all the time, which is lovely but very hard at the same time. Nothing distracts me, not reading or tv or anything. And I know I talk about him all the time when I do see anyone. I'm sure they'll all get sick of it soon. Thank goodness for this place, where we can say anything at all and be understood.  

Same here ,I think about my Dear Hubby constantly.  He's in my thoughts with everything I do. And I'm incredibly sad that he had to leave me . The years have gone by so quickly. Not all good ones as he was ill with various health problems for so long. I don't enjoy going out walking as Seeing couples walking together holding hands makes me so envious and upset . It's so painful when we don't have that anymore. We ran out of time and it feels so unfair when my Mum had 23 more years with my Father who wasn't even a nice man ,but she loved him still and missed him. I talk about my Love ,but family seem to find it uncomfortable when I do. We can't just erase their memory and our past life with them. Sometimes I would like some respite though and clear my mind as it is so exhausting thinking about what I've lost day and night. It's so sad that you don't want to walk along the beach now as it only brings you Sadness. Hoping to be in a better place someday soon

 x

I have had a difficult day. I visited my Paul’s grave to see the new headstone, again. The wording I chose to describe my husband was, ‘A life full of love and laughter’, which described his personality, perfectly. I couldn’t have asked for more. I just miss the life we had together, and as a family, so much. I was meant to meet up with friend’s tonight, I just couldn’t face it, or  wear the ‘mask’. So, instead it will be a glass or two of wine, and a quiet evening. Hugs to all. xxx

That's a beautiful tribute Kate. This loss is all consuming, it changes everything. I don't feel I have a life now, just an existence. Just passing time, I don't know for what though. 

Enjoy your wine. I wish none of us had to be here in this situation. Love and hugs xx

That’s how I feel, too. It is devastating. It ebbs and flows, sometimes easier, sometimes not. I probably shouldn’t have gone to his study to clear stuff. I have to do this very slowly and carefully, as there are special memories. xxx

I moved David's clothes from our shared wardrobe, but only moved them into another place. Can't bear to part with anything. His slippers are still by the back door. Cupboards packed with memories that I haven't even looked at.

You're right about ebbing and flowing, some days I cope better and other days hardly at all. This depth of grief is exhausting, and all consuming. Xx

It is 21 month’s for me. In some ways, the second year has been harder. It is the permanence of it. He is with me all the time, I can feel him around the house, it is a feeling of pure love. As you say, it is all consuming. xxx

As I moved house after my Hubby left and he never set foot in this House I feel like I left him in Scotland. I didn't want to stay in that House , We hadn't been Happy there for many years . But he often said He would curl his toes up there  as he put it . I will always carry him in my Heart and my Head . But I can't feel he is here with me . Often in the Park on a Sunny day I have seen the smoke trails left from the planes which have flown overhead and left what looks like a X  which I imagine is a big kiss from him. If only . It's lovely that you feel yours around the House and its a feeling of Pure love , that must give you some comfort . 

We used to look for heart shaped stones on the beach and give them to each other. Since he's been gone I've found so many hearts. I tell myself he leaves them there for me, but who am I kidding? I wish I knew. 

Yes, it does. However, I still am struggling with the loss of his physical presence.