Antidepressants

Hi spirit, I haven't taken ADs, I dare not go to the gp because that's what I think they will do and they have never done me any good in the past. 

My worries would be the same, that they don't help me long term but just push the can down the road

Your doctor clearly doesn't understand grief. If you are able to listen to things, try Linda Falasco on Why grief gets harder after the first few months. Its about 15 mins and really helped me see I'm not going mad! I don't know if links are allowed. I find myself telling people that things can get worse as the real process of healing starts.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0xkNyZKSJjU

Lots of love. I wish we could all work out a way to connect with each other as we all live scattered.

That's what the Docs . have put me on  Spirit. .because they don't like giving sleeping tablets for long periods. I would have preferred not to have started on Antidepressants  . Because My emotions were getting worse instead of better as they seem to expect. we should be further along after 6 months to a year, I was on a very low dose 15 mgs, they did very little to help , but along with the Valerian they help me sleep. I think Doctors who haven't experienced the loss of a very significant person in their lives really have no idea how this great loss affects People . They probably refer to some book about "The stages " of grief. Which certainly  don't apply to us all. Especially when we reach the firsts eg. Anniversaries , Birthdays etc  All medication has a list of side effects , they list them to cover themselves. I haven't noticed any adverse effects , but neither have I felt my mood lift . Not sure how grief differs from depression. The symptoms seem to be the same . Panic attacks , Deep sadness ,fatigue , lack of motivation .and deep despair . Of course we are so unhappy and I really cannot imagine ever being Happy again. Like everyone else the illness our partners suffered was a really bad time for us all, most of all our loved ones , but it affected us too . We felt helpless, already experiencing Anticipatory grief, exhaustion and the list goes on....Give the Antidepressants a try ,they might help. As I've said on here before I take Valerian and they get me through the worst times . The Panic attacks . They calm my mind when it's racing , they help with the Panic attacks and give me a little peace. I really don't find them addictive . I've told the Doctor I am taking them and he didn't say I shouldn't . But without them I would be a total wreck. Kalms are a weaker strength with added ingredients  like Chamomile . You could see how they help. I now get a stronger tablets on-line which have no fillers . and work out cheaper . I really don't know what the answer is . This is something we have to face and get through somehow . There is no quick fix and we have to learn to live around the pain. By the way my Doc. is referring me for the EMDR  therapy as he said that my experience does appear to have been Traumatic as I feel this too without being dramatic. Watching our Special person slowly /or quickly die in front of our eyes has got to be . Perhaps ask your Doctor if you could be referred for it too. Cx 

I do find the Podacsts of those who have actually experiences grief or worked with the Bereaved for a long time help. At least they explain how the various emotions are ones we share . And it helps to know we aren't the only ones going through this Horrendous time. I'm the same have tried antidepressants do not really help. Have tried them before , but I will just give these ago for a period of time and see how it goes , then when I'm further along or feel stronger I will wean off them. Yes it would be good if we were all able to actually be able to spend time with one another to help with the loneliness and times we feel lost and need support or someone  who really understands to do things with , and actually talk to . But for now writing it down helps a little . 

Dear Spirit, Malengwa, Breton and everyone else,

Just a few thoughts from someone who is now 20 months into this awful road.

In response to the question “are grief and depression the same?” – No, I believe they are not. The symptoms can be similar, but to root causes are different (although extended severe grief can lead to depression). If the passing of the one you loved was traumatic, it can lead to Complex Grief (this is referenced in the CRUSE link below)

A good starting point to understand some of the differences can be found on the CRUSE website at

www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/grief-and-depression/

Regarding timelines – there are no timelines for grief. I am now 20 months on this journey – and although some days I feel I am just about coping, there are still days that I break. And that is after 6 months of counselling (I was diagnosed last June with Complex Grief triggered by Traumatic Bereavement and acute PTSD – reasons can be found in my profile).

Grief seems to stay with you. But you learn ways of coping, of carrying it, and very slowly (for me) the rawness, the PTSD flashbacks, the screaming nightmares have eased. For me, the pain is still there, but it is a little more gentle. I still cry, still have bad dreams, still feel alone. I still miss my beloved Anne so very much. I think I always will. But with help, I have learned how to carry the grief. I am still very much a work in progress with OK days, not so OK days and bloody awful days.

It may never get better – how do you “Get Better” from losing the one you loved so much? But it does seem to get a little easier. Or maybe I am just better at carrying the weight now.

With regards to the Antidepressants, there was quite a long post in this forum about 12 months ago, entitled “Antidepressants or not “ where quite a lot of us posted in about this subject – some with good experiences, some not.

The link for the post is Antidepressants or not? - Macmillan Online Community

If the link doesn’t work, it is on page 17-18 of the this forum. It may be helpful.

I wish you all the best, and know that we are here for each other when on one else seems to understand. We are all walking this horrible path, trying our best to sometimes just survive the day. We know. We understand.

Love

Chris

Hi Angels

I am on Fluoxetine. They actually do work for me I have been on these for a few years now because of an existing condition I have. When Jay was going through his treatment I was in a very dark and desperate place and they upped the dosage for me. I am on 60mg (3 tablets@ 20mg) once a day. When I forget to take them I really feel it. The GP told you you should be feeling better 6 months after your loss?? talking absolute rubbish anyone going through grief knows there is no time limit for such and some days are better than others surprised the GP said that because they are the ones who are supposed to help to guide you through your grief.  After almost 3 years after losing Jay I still get the waves of grief coming in now and then. If you have just started the mirtazapine give it time but of course if you are having any adverse side effects I would speak to your GP maybe they would find something else for you or alter your dosage. Take Care. 

Vicky x

I think it's absolutely disgusting that Anyone ,never mind a Doctor should say that someone should be "  getting over " ( something we just don't do anyway as we will ALWAYS love them ,think of them often and pine for them and wish they were still here with us ) the loss of our Special person. I must say that some Doctors actually haven't  much empathy. To them it's a job and some have a terrible "Bedside manner " as it used to be said. The 2nd Doctor I saw at this New Surgery was quite offhand . She said she had a lot of other Patients to see and didn't have time for this . Although she referred me to the in house counsellor,not actually a bereavement Counsellor as I had to wait up to 6 months to speak with someone at Cruse. I was already tearing my hair out and losing the plot .It did help to talk ,but it wasn't what I really needed. The Man Doctor I'm seeing now is very patient and I may ask for him again if I need an app. Personally I find it easier to talk to a Woman ,but not all Women are Patient . Some people appear to be in the wrong job. I should have stuck with the 1st Lady Doc. I saw . I  felt she was at a loss what to say to me ,but she was very kind and concerned . My Husband was on Fluoxetine unbeknown to me until I had to take over sorting his many  tablets after I realised he had missed taking them for 2 days ,I will never know if it was deliberate or cos he was confused. Anyway we know that this is going to be a long and hard process / journey before we feel any change in our grief. So we don't need to listen to people who have not experienced it. We can only take one day at a time . And take any support we can ...of which I find their is not enough. 

Just listened to your recommendation, it makes a lot of sense. If only someone had something to say that makes you think there is some hope of eventually feeling even a little less lost and alone. Wherever you are in this 'journey' there seems always to be someone telling you it just gets worse. I know they're only being honest, but a shred of hope would go a long way, otherwise really what is the point? 

Still undecided re the drugs. I think I'll just keep them in the cupboard for now!

I have read some comments on bereavement sites saying it has got easier to cope once they learned to carry the loss differently. But as everyone's circumstances,Experiences and relationships + our Characters are different . Some will have a different outlook. Some memories more painful than others etc. the list goes on. It would be great if we were told it gets better soon. But I think most of us on here are still pretty early on and  still looking for ways to cope with the overwhelming emotions and learning how to be a Single person again. Which personally I'm finding very difficult after being part of a We for almost 50 years . The best ( sometimes ) part of my life on this planet. It is depressing to hear or read that at this stage things will still be Raw for us despite time having past, but there is no point in  giving False hope. We would only be disappointed or wonder what we were personally doing wrong that we are not in a Better place yet. We will just have to plod on one day at a time and try to build a different Life . Not one as we knew it. As we wish it were. From one Sad Spouse to all others. xx 

As you say, what we read isnt for everyone, I find it helpful in the sense of it being quite normal, which is why I come here, we are all experiencing simialr things that we can relate to. 

One of Lindas other videos does talk of things that can help, connecting with other widowed people is one, so we are doing that in our own way. Another that is something I am trying to do is spend just about 10 minutes each day alone with your grief. Making it a deliberate focus, thinking, remembering, photos, crying whatever. But trying not to let it drift on for too long which of course is not easy. Anyway I think thats in her video about the 2nd year, im sure she explains it properly! 

My worry is that the podcasts that tell you how things can improve are usually asking for large sums of money, I had to unsubscribe from Krista st germain because I was getting emails every day. 

We can do this. We have to believe it, but knowing that its ok to not be there yet is also OK.

Hugs to all, one day we will do it in person x

Yes I have listened to that episode. I suppose if we dedicate some time each day to sit with the memories and pain it will stop it building up over the day. Sometimes I rhink I've managed a day without breaking down, but it always happens eventually . Often when I wake up I cry because I know instantly this is yet  another day without him. If I haven't cried during the day it will certainly catch up with me on an evening and can last a long time. And often I have to go upstairs as my son might be here and it upsets him to here me pour my heart out. He really doesn't know what to do with me .   Yes, many of the Widow Coaches esay if we join the club and do the work it makes a big difference . But at a cost , and since we are now managing with limited funds we have to prioritise what we spend the money on. I'm going to try "Grounding " I wish I had tried it when my Hubby was still here . It makes a lot of sense to interact with nature . Go barefoot on grass and dip our feet in water . It's a long time since I paddled in the sea. Though we are a long way from a beach here , So I will try the grass .     I went with my sister to two garden centres yesterday to buy a rose tree for our mums Birthday . First one the plants were poor , so we went further on and found some Beautiful, healthy bushes almost half the price and very healthy sop bought two. And I bought two for myself . So will find a spot for them today.